


How The Light Gets In

by givebackmylifecas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Actor Dean Winchester, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Assistant Castiel (Supernatural), Eventual Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Hurt Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, I promise, Implied/Referenced Abuse, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Self-Harm, With Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2019-06-27 01:26:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 72,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15675243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/givebackmylifecas/pseuds/givebackmylifecas
Summary: Dean Winchester is a successful actor, working on his latest movie. Cas is a new Cast PA on set, he's jumpy and nervous and has clearly suffered in the past. When Cas has a panic attack on set, Dean is the one who helps him through it and they start a tentative friendship. As Dean gets to know Cas and discovers just how deeply he has been hurt, he begins to fall for him, but getting together just won't be that easy.Moviestar!Dean AU with heaps of Hurt/Comfort!





	1. A mess of gorgeous chaos

**Author's Note:**

> First off, sorry for the weird, cheesy summary, I'm terrible at writing them.  
> Second, this will be a multi-chapter fic and I will continue to update it as much as possible.  
> Thirdly, Cas has been through a lot and while I'll include specific trigger warnings for each chapter, generally there are trigger warnings in effect for depictions of anxiety, depression, self-harm, panic attacks, internalised homophobia and later on there will be references to the specific abuse Cas went through although I can promise you now it will not be graphic. Also feel free to let me know if there are any TWs that you feel I should add.  
> Finally, I haven't experienced the kind of thing Cas has, but I am basing a lot of his mental issues such as his anxiety and depression off my own experiences.  
> I promise I don't write fics with sad endings so I'll tell you now that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and everyone who deserves it will get a happy ending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Dean's POV  
> TWs for panic attacks, swearing and internalised homophobia (very mild though)  
> The chapter title is from the Charles Bukowski quote: "She's a mess of gorgeous chaos and you can see it in her eyes."

Dean was tired. It had been a long, hard day of filming and all he wanted was to go home to his apartment and sleep for a solid twelve hours. Instead, he had to wait around for some studio big-wig to show up and say hi to all the actors – the guy wasn’t even on time for fuck’s sake!

He sighs and sinks onto the couch in his trailer. There were some perks to being the male lead in a major Hollywood movie and the luxurious trailer was certainly one of them. He puts his feet up on the coffee table and turns on the TV. The news is running yet another story on the Novak family – a show business dynasty if ever there was one. They had loads of kids and Dean was pretty sure every single one of them was somehow successfully involved with the entertainment industry, while their father Charles had run one of the most successful production companies in America until his untimely death, after which his wife Naomi stepped up to run it. He flicks through the channels, eventually settling on an old western just as there’s a knock on the door.

“Come in.”, he calls and the door opens quietly.

A young man with unruly, black hair steps in, holding a paper soda cup and a takeaway bag. “Mr. Winchester, I’m here to bring you your dinner as requested.”

“Thanks, just put it down over here.”, Dean says, gesturing at the coffee table. The man nods, keeping his eyes fixed on the floor. He’s clearly a PA but Dean’s never seen him on set before.

“Sorry, who are you again? I’m terrible with names.”, he says, flashing a charming smile at the man, who briefly looks up but steadfastly avoids eye-contact before looking back at his feet.

“We haven’t met, sir. I’m Cas.”, he says stiffly.

Dean frowns. “Cas? Is that short for something?”

The man makes an odd movement, as if he was going to nod, but then stopped himself. “No.”, he says. Then, as if realising that he came across a little rude, he adds: “Can I get you anything else, Mr. Winchester?”

Dean shakes his head. “Nah, I’m good, thanks Cas. And call me Dean.” He thinks he sees the corner of Cas’ mouth twitch but he can’t be sure with the way the man’s eyes are so focussed on the ground. He makes to leave, but Dean stops him. “Wait, Cas. Do you have any idea when the guy from Hellscape Studios is arriving? Not to complain, but I’m getting kind of tired.”

Cas freezes in his tracks. “Which guy? Who’s coming?”, he asks, his voice quavering a little, which Dean finds odd.

“Um, sorry, I don’t know. I was just told that it was some guy from the company. Shouldn’t you know which one it is?”, he asks and Cas nods, stumbling towards the door.

“Right, sorry.”, the PA apologises. “It’s not my place to ask, I’ll find out for you. Sorry. I’ll just – Sorry.” He leaves the trailer, still mumbling apologies.

Dean shakes his head at the weird encounter and digs into the food Cas brought him. His brother would kill him if he saw him having burgers instead of the salad crap he’s supposed to be eating, but he’s already done all his shirtless scenes and honestly one burger won’t ruin his physique.

He’s just finishing the last of the food, when there’s another knock on the door. He barely gets out the words: “Come in.”, when Cas enters his trailer again.

The man looks sweaty and pale and if Dean didn’t know any better, he’d say the man was shaking a little. “Um, Mr. Winches – uh Dean – Sir, I’ve been asked to let you know that the studio is very sorry for making you wait around but Mr. Lu– Lucifer De Vi– De Ville is unable to make it this evening. He will instead be visiting the set the day after tomorrow.”

“What the hell?”, Dean says angrily, he’d hung around for three hours for nothing. He gets to his feet, scowling and Cas flinches away from him. “Uh – Cas? Are you alright?”

The PA nods frantically, edging towards the door. “Yes sir, sorry. I’ll – um, I’ll go. I am very sorry about this. Um, have a good night. Again, I’m sorry.” And then he’s almost running out of the trailer and across the lot.

Dean watches him go, a little more than confused and sighs. He has another six weeks on set and if the studio is going keep him waiting like this and give him weird, twitchy PAs then it’s going to be a hard six weeks.

He calls for his driver and heads home, just about managing to kick off his boots and step out of his jeans before collapsing into bed. He falls asleep instantly and when he wakes up the next morning he’s still annoyed about the studio executive not showing up and has all but forgotten about the PA.

Except when he gets to set, the man is waiting outside his trailer with his coffee order and breakfast. Cas seems a little less jumpy this morning and greets Dean with an almost smile.

It’s easy to put him out of his mind as Dean goes over his lines and then heads out to have his make-up done.

Today he thankfully just needs the bare minimum to keep him from looking shiny, so he’s got a couple of minutes before the shoot to check his social media. There’s a couple of comments left by other actors he should probably answer on his Instagram, but he’s too tired to come up with witty replies, so he leaves his phone in his trailer and heads over to the set.

“You look like shit.”, his co-star Jo says, the minute she sees him.

He scowls. “Gee thanks, Joanna-Beth.”, he says and she throws him a filthy look.

“Don’t call me that.”, she growls.

“Settle down, children! We’re about to start!”, their director Crowley, yells at them and they take their positions at their first marks.

It’s a fairly simple scene, mostly dialogue as Dean’s character explains to Jo’s how they have to find the bomb before the enemy does. To be perfectly honest, it’s a simple film. There’s a lot of guns, a lot of explosions and a pretty girl – not Jo – to save and Dean really only did it for the pay cheque, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t going to try his damndest to make it a good movie.

Crowley is a bit of a sleaze ball, but he’s a good director – and unfortunately a perfectionist – so they find themselves reshooting the scene several times before he’s satisfied.

They break for lunch and Dean takes the time to catch up with the other actors.

“Hey Dean, looking forward to our scene later?”, Lisa asks and Dean winks at her in answer. While Jo is his partner in the film and undoubtedly very pretty in her own right, Lisa Braedon has the honour of playing the smart, beautiful damsel in distress and she’s taking every opportunity to flirt with Dean. Jo rolls her eyes at the two of them, then elbows Dean in the stomach.

“You don’t even swing that way.”, she mutters and he frowns at her. She knows better than to bring up his orientation in public. “Sorry.”, she immediately says and it reminds him of how much Cas had apologised last night.

“Did you see the new PA last night?”, he asks, wondering if he was the only one who had to deal with oddities on set.

Jo grins. “Yeah. Cas is kind of cute, right?”

Dean chokes a little on his drink. “You think so? I though he was kind of… weird? Twitchy that’s for sure. Couldn’t really see his face the way he kept staring at the floor.” He nearly chokes again when Jo smacks him. “What the hell Jo?”, he asks, rubbing his shoulder. He’d known her a long time – they’d both got into acting at the same time – so he knows she’s prone to violence, but usually he’s done something to deserve it.

She’s glaring at him. “Dean you’re such a dick. Can’t you see that he’s been hurt?” She looks like she wants to say more, but the bell rings and they’re being called back to set.

 

Five hours later, he’s sweaty, tired, covered in fake dirt and he can’t get Jo’s comment about Cas out of his head. What does she mean, that he’d been hurt? He didn’t have any injuries that Dean could see.

When Crowley finally lets them go Dean looks around for Cas but doesn’t see him, so he decides to just shower in his trailer and then head home. Freshly showered and in clean clothes, he heads out of his trailer to find his driver – a big, bear of a guy called Benny – and instead runs into Cas. The PA doesn’t notice him at first, he’s pacing up and down, muttering to himself.

“Just go – it’s fine – fine – why wouldn’t it be? – of course it is – just go in – say sorry and that’s it. That’s it – that’s all you have to do! It’s fine.”, Cas says as he walks to one end of the trailer, still muttering “it’s fine”, and jumps about a foot in the air when he sees Dean. “Ah! Mr. W-Winchester. I’m sorry. Do you need anything?”

Dean shakes his head, a little confused. It’s the first time Cas has looked up for any length of time and Dean has to admit Jo is right – he is cute. He has very clear, blue eyes, tanned skin and sharp cheekbones – he might be a couple of years younger than Dean. “No Cas, I’m fine. Do you… need anything?”

The man looks shocked although Dean doesn’t know why, and licks his lips a couple of times, before speaking. “Um yes. Sorry. I didn’t mean to um – well, I suppose it doesn’t matter if I meant to or not, but regardless. I wanted to apologise.”

Dean blinks at him. “Apologise for what?”

Cas nervously dry-washes his hands, and drops his eyes to the floor again. “It has been brought to my attention that I am… weird and um, twitchy, I think the word was.” Dean feels his stomach twist guiltily as the PA speaks. “And I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable. I wanted to apologise for that and let you know that I completely understand if you want me to be reassigned. If you would…” He trails off, swallowing hard a couple of times, before continuing. “If you would at least not fire me, I would be extremely grateful. Although if you do want to, then I understand that too, it’s just that I really need this job. I know that’s not your problem, but –“

Dean interrupts him before he can say anymore. He feels beyond guilty – Cas had clearly overheard him talking to Jo earlier – and the poor man looked genuinely terrified at the thought of being fired. “Cas stop, please!”, he says and the PA stops talking, his teeth audibly clicking with how fast he shuts his mouth. “I’m not going to fire you, geez. And you’re not being reassigned. I’m the one who should apologise. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You didn’t upset me.”, Cas says stiffly.

Dean raises his eyebrows. “Sure. Anyway, I shouldn’t have called you weird. I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were there.”

Cas meets his eyes finally, for a moment there’s a fire burning behind his blue eyes, but it’s extinguished almost as soon as Dean sees it and he lowers his head again. “That’s quite alright, Mr. Winchester, most actors don’t notice the PAs. Have a good night.” He turns and walks quickly across the lot, shoulders hunched and his hands shoved into his pockets.

Dean watches him go and wonders just why he’s letting this PA get to him so much.

 

When he gets home, he shoves some dinner in the microwave and calls Sam.

“Hey, Dean.”, his brother answers cheerfully.

Dean smiles at the sound of his voice. “Hey Sammy, how’s Stanford.”

“Same old, same old.”

He raises his eyebrows. “Yeah? And how’s Jess?”

Sam pauses, before speaking. “She’s good. She uh, she’s going to move in with me.”

“Really? Sammy that’s amazing!”, Dean exclaims and his brother laughs on the other end of the line.

“Yeah, it really is. What about you? Still pretending to be the macho, straight man or have you got your sights set on any guys?”, Sam asks and Dean can just picture the grin on his brother’s face.

He sighs, thinking about Cas. “Yeah, Sammy, about that. There’s this PA and he’s really cute…”

“So ask him out!”, Sam says, interrupting. “It’s not uncommon for there to be gay actors nowadays, I don’t see why this is still an issue for you.”

“Dad didn’t –“, Dean begins, but Sam cuts him off before he can finish his sentence.

“Dad’s dead, Dean. Who cares what he would have thought?”

Dean sighs. “Yeah I know, Sammy. It’s just hard. And this PA, he’s cute, but… he’s weird, y’know?”

“Weird how?”, Sam asks and Dean tries to picture Cas, twisting his hands together and constantly apologising.

“Well, he’s very… nervous.”, he says.

Sam huffs. “So he’s shy, that doesn’t make him weird, Dean. Honestly, I don’t see why you have to pick people apart all the time.”

He thinks about Cas, how he seemed almost… afraid of him, not just nervous and decides to get to know the PA before telling Sam anymore about him. “You’re right Sam. Now tell me how your classes are going.” Their conversation turns to other things, but eventually Sam has to go. Dean eats his dinner alone and when he finally goes to bed, he’s still thinking about Cas.

 

When Benny picks him up the next morning, the first thing his driver says to him is: “The studio big wig is coming this morning. Wants to have a sitdown with all the actors.”

“This morning?”, Dean exclaims. “We’re filming this morning, if we take time out to talk to this guy we’re going to be behind schedule!”

“Reckon it’s for funding, Crowley’s letting ‘im do whatever he wants.”, Benny says and Dean sighs. It makes sense, but he doesn’t like it. Dean likes acting, in fact he really enjoys it. It had started out as a way to make money for him and Sammy when their dad wasn’t around, but now it was his life. What he didn’t enjoy was all the grovelling and ass-kissing he had to do whenever a studio exec came around, but it was a necessary evil. If a studio blacklists him then he can’t work, and he’ll kiss as many asses as he has to if it means he gets to keep acting.

Benny drops him at his trailer and when he gets out of the car, he sees Cas already waiting for him, coffee in one hand, bagel in the other.

“Morning Cas, thanks for breakfast.”, he says, doing his best to sound cheerful.

Cas gives him the barest hint of a smile as he hands him his food. “Good morning Mr. Winchester, but you don’t need to thank me, this is my job.”

Dean shrugs as he takes a bite of his bagel. “Doesn’t mean I can’t thank you – and I thought I told you to call me Dean.”

“Sorry… Dean.”, Cas says, looking down at the ground again, the smile gone from his face.

Dean sighs. “You don’t need to apologise Cas, but I need to go to a meeting now, how about you walk me there?”

Cas nods and follows him towards Crowley’s trailer, but doesn’t speak. “It’s nice to have another guy on set.”, Dean says eventually. Cas looks up at him, a little surprised, but he remains silent. “Considering this is an action movie, it’s mainly just me and a lot of women. Not that they aren’t nice, it’s just they’re not really my thing, y’know?” He regrets saying that the instant the words leave his mouth. Cas takes a sudden step back from him, his eyes widening. “Sorry!”, Dean says, hurriedly trying to explain himself. “That came out wrong, I’m not hitting on you. I was just…”

“Making conversation?”, Cas offers and Dean smiles gratefully at him.

“Yeah. Honestly Cas, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I’m not the kind of guy who goes around hitting on PAs just because I’m an actor.”, he says and Cas actually gives him a small smile as they reach Crowley’s trailer.

“Yes, Dean. I know you aren’t.”

Dean wants to ask him how he could possibly know that, but then the door swings open and Crowley sticks his head out. “Winchester!”, he rasps. “Get in here, now! We’ve been waiting for you.”

Dean nods at Cas and follows Crowley into the trailer. Lisa, Jo and their other co-stars Hester and Gadreel are waiting inside, along with a blond man, he can only assume is Lucifer De Ville.

“Dean Winchester, this is Lucifer De Ville, head of Hellscape Studios. Mr. Deville this is our lead actor Dean Winchester.”, Crowley says, introducing the two of them.

De Ville gives Dean a cold smile and shakes his hand. Dean returns the handshake along with his most charming smile and then sits down next to Jo.

“I was just saying to your co-stars and Mr. Crowley that I’m very pleased with the footage I’ve seen so far. You’re all doing very well and if you don’t mind, I’ll be sticking around to watch you filming today.”, De Ville says and Dean knows by the way he’s smiling that the ‘if you don’t mind’ was only a formality and that if they had any objections at all, no one would care.

“Of course, we’d be glad to have you. Now, let’s get going. Dean, Lisa and Jo I want you on set in ten minutes.”, Crowley orders and they all hurry out of the trailer and towards the make-up artists’ trailer.

Lisa chats happily to her make-up artist Meg, as she is made up to look even more beautiful – if a little dishevelled – and Dean and Jo have streaks of ash painted on their faces. Today they’ll be crawling through a collapsed building to save Lisa and when they get to set, Dean’s lungs are already aching at the thought of all the dust that he’s going to be breathing in.

He emerges into the cool air three hours later, cursing Crowley up and down. The director had insisted they redo the scene ten times to get it right and Dean’s entire body was coated with the fake dust from the set they’d been crawling through.

“I brought you some water.”, a quiet voice says from beside him. He turns to see Cas offering him a bottle of chilled water.

“Thanks Cas.”, Dean says gratefully to the PA who actually flashes him a timid smile. “How has your morning been?”

Cas looks surprised at the question. “Cleaner than yours I suppose, but it wasn’t too bad. I got coffee for Gadreel a couple of times since he’s not on set until this afternoon. I got a midmorning snack for the girls in the make-up trailer. S-some of them are very nice.”, he says quietly and Dean raises his eyebrows.

“Are some of them… not nice?”, he asks and Cas shrugs.

“Meg is nice.”, he says instead and Dean nearly laughs out loud.

“Really?”, he snorts. “ _Meg_ is the one you think is nice?”

Cas narrows his eyes and Dean wipes the smile off his face. “Yes. She is kind to me.”

Dean nods. “Well good for you. She isn’t nice to anyone, so you must be doing something right. And don’t let Ruby or Lilith give you any shit, they’re just bitchy cause they wanted to be actresses but didn’t make it.”

Cas makes a little noise that Dean thinks might be a laugh, but then he goes pale, freezing when someone calls Dean’s name.

“Dean!”, Lucifer De Ville calls again and Dean smiles at the man, before turning back to Cas – except Cas is hurrying away from him as fast as he can.

“Dean, I was hoping you’d join Mr. Crowley and I for dinner this evening to discuss your options for further movies with the studio.”, De Ville says, giving Dean that cold smile again.

Dean desperately wants to go after Cas and see if he’s alright, but he can’t snub the executive, so he gives him his most winning smile and nods. “I would be honoured Mr. De Ville. I look forward to it, but if you’d excuse me, I have um.. some things to attend to.”

De Ville waves a hand dismissively. “Of course Dean, I know you’re a busy man.”

Dean throws him another smile and then hurries off in the direction he had seen Cas heading – towards the trailer village.

He checks in the hair and make-up trailer, the communal one the PAs use as a sort of common room, and the catering area but can’t find him anywhere. He’s about to give up when he hears a snuffling noise coming from behind his own trailer. He rounds a corner and sees Cas sitting on the ground, his head between his knees, sobbing harder than Dean’s ever seen anyone cry.

“Cas?”, he says quietly, but the PA either didn’t hear him or chose not to, so he carefully walks up to him, before saying his name again. This time Cas’ head snaps up so fast Dean is worried he gave himself whiplash. His blue eyes are wide and frightened and he only marginally relaxes when he recognises Dean, immediately pressing his face to his knees again. “Cas are you alright?”, he asks quietly, sitting down next to him.

Cas nods and gasps. “I’m fine Mr. Win- Dean. You should go. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.” He repeats the last words over and over and Dean isn’t sure whom he’s trying to convince, but he knows he isn’t going to leave Cas like this. Cas’ repetitions quickly devolve into desperate gasps for air and suddenly the man is sobbing and rubbing at his own face so hard that he’s leaving red marks and Dean isn’t sure what to do so he just reaches out and pulls Cas’ hands from his face and holds them in his own.

“Shh Cas.”, he says in his most soothing voice. “You’re okay. I’m here, you’re okay. I promise, you’re fine Cas.” He gently strokes Cas’ hands that are reflexively opening and closing as the other man continues to cry. Dean wants to hug him, but something about Cas tells him instinctively that maybe that’s the last thing that he should do. Instead he holds Cas’ hand as he cries and gives him soft-spoken assurances.

Eventually the other man calms enough to stop crying, and a few moments after that he pulls his hands from Deans’. They sit side-by-side in silence for a few moments and then Cas says: “Mr. Winchester I’m so-“

“Cas, don’t you dare apologise.”, Dean interrupts and Cas looks at him incredulously. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for. Except maybe for calling me Mr. Winchester again.”

“I’m sorry, Dean.”, Cas says quietly and Dean almost laughs. Almost. Cas’ face is still red, his eyes are swollen from tears and even though Dean isn’t holding them anymore he can see that Cas’ hands are still shaking.

“What was all that about, Cas? One minute we were talking just fine and the next you’re gone and like… this. What happened?”, he asks softly and Cas gets to his feet. Dean follows, not wanting to stay on the ground any longer.

Cas looks stricken, but he shakes his head. “I know I owe you an explanation but… I just can’t. Not today anyway. Thank you for your help, I appreciate it and I’m sorry you had to see me like that.”, he says the last sentence woodenly, as if he’s had to apologise for being upset before and Dean’s heart breaks a little as he watches him turn and walk away, shoulders hunched and hands that had been shaking moments before, stuffed in his jacket pockets.


	2. Searching for a darker place to hide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is written from Cas' POV, the chapters will alternate between Cas' and Dean's POV  
> TWs for mentions of panic attacks, swearing, references to self harm, eating disorder (kind of?) and a lot of self-hatred  
> The chapter title is from the Tom Walker song "Leave A Light On"

Cas should quit. He should just leave and find another job. He didn’t want to, some of the people on set were nice. Meg was – they’d been friends for years and she stood up for him against Ruby and Lilith when they made fun of him – Jo was nice too, she always said please and thank you when he brought her her food, and Dean… Dean was kind, but he knew, he had seen. He had seen how weak Cas was, how selfish. He couldn’t make it through three days in his new life without falling apart.

They were right, they were all right – he couldn’t make it alone. So he should quit. Of course, if he quits, what does he do then? How will he make a living? It had been hard enough to ask Meg for one favour, for this job – he can’t ask for another.

His alarm blares from the bedside table next to him and he considers turning it off and just going back to sleep – getting up has become progressively harder over the last few weeks – but he knows he needs the job. He rolls out of bed, shivering a little in the cold morning air and heads to the bathroom. He turns on the shower to give it a chance to warm up, before shedding his pyjamas, carefully avoiding looking in the mirror – there’s nothing it can reflect that he wants to see.

He climbs into the tub and sits under the spray, unable to stand. His legs are weak and he tries to remember the last time he ate – yesterday before work, maybe?

The water sluicing off him stings the little cuts on his arms and he tries so hard not to think of them and why they’re even there, that he loses time.

Eventually, he shuts off the water and climbs out of the bath, wrapping a towel around his waist and returning to his bedroom. He should probably eat, but his phone tells him he only has five minutes before he has to leave for work, so he just dresses quickly in a sweater and some jeans and then sprints his front door and out onto the street to catch the bus.

On his way to work he checks the list he’s sent every night, detailing the tasks of the morning. There’s the usual food orders - Jo would like a breakfast burrito and black coffee brought to her trailer, Lisa wants granola and a smoothie, Gadreel wants his usual rye and ham sandwich Hester isn’t in today and Dean isn’t needed on set until the afternoon so he wants soup and a coffee brought to his trailer at 12pm – and a list of errands he’s to run, mostly fetching things for the crew and then the daily request that he stay until all the actors have left in case they need anything.

He sighs as he looks at the breakfast requests, Lisa doesn’t like the smoothies the caterer provides which means he’ll have to get off the bus two stops early to pick up the drink she wants from an independent juice shop and then walk the rest of the way to work.

For a moment he thinks about telling her to just get a smoothie from the caterer, but then he realises he’s being selfish. He’s a PA, this is his job and it isn’t Lisa’s fault that his head hurts and his legs feel like they’re about to give out.

He gets off the bus early, trying to think of the crisp Chicago air as bracing rather than brutally cold and when he exits the smoothie-bar ten minutes later, he prays to whatever god may be listening that his fingers don’t fall off from carrying Lisa’s chilled drink all the way to the studio.

He picks up her granola from the caterer as well as Gadreel’s sandwich and then brings the two actors their breakfasts. Lisa gives him a brief smile and a nod of thanks, but Gadreel doesn’t even acknowledge him when he brings him his food. A tiny part of Cas is sad and even a little angry that he is treated that way, but it is overshadowed by the larger, and very right part that reminds him that he doesn’t deserve to be treated any differently.

He trudges back across the windy trailer village to pick up the breakfast burrito and coffee Jo had requested and then heads over to her trailer. He knocks lightly and she yells for him to come in.

“Good morning Miss Harvelle, I have your breakfast order.”, he says quietly, glancing up at her and then back down at his feet. She is sprawled across her sofa in a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie that his much too big for her.

“Oh my God Cas, you’re a lifesaver! You have no idea how badly I need caffeine today.”, she says, her voice light. He places her breakfast on the little coffee table and she immediately lunges for her coffee. He flinches at the sudden movement, but thankfully she doesn’t seem to notice, too engrossed in her food. He looks up at her, glad to see how happy she is with her breakfast. _Keep your face down! No one wants to see you staring at them with your big, ugly cow eyes_. He lowers his gaze – he’s already made one actor uncomfortable by being too twitchy, not to mention crying in front of them, he doesn’t want to be rude to Jo too.

“Is there anything else I can bring you, Miss Harvelle?”, he asks demurely.

She sighs. “Cas, I’ve told you before to just call me Jo. But no, I don’t need anything, thank you.”

 _You do not address your betters by their Christian names, as if you were their equal_. But Jo had asked him to… “I’m sorry. Let me know if you need anything… Jo.”, Cas says quietly, before leaving the trailer.

His morning passes relatively quickly, there’s always someone who needs him to get them a coffee, or to go and deliver a message to another crewmember and before he knows it he’s heading out to pick up soup and coffee for Dean at the high-end deli he likes.

Dean. Even thinking his name makes his stomach clench and twist with guilt. It’s bad enough that he has issues, but the fact that he forced someone else witness and burden them… that’s unforgivable. His mother had always told him that he makes people uncomfortable and he isn’t sure how he is to work with Dean after having so shamelessly used the poor man for a brief moment of comfort.

While standing in line at the deli he contemplates handing in his letter of resignation, but the strong smells from the food around him make his stomach lurch and his head spin and he can’t concentrate enough to even formulate the opening line.

By the time his number is called, he feels lightheaded and has decided to stay in the job for at least another week. When the cashier asks him, if he wants anything else, he briefly entertains the idea of getting a sandwich for himself but he knows he can’t afford a twelve dollar sandwich – he wants to keep the heat on after all – so he resigns himself to finding time to grab something from catering if he has time this afternoon.

He walks back to the studio as quickly as he can, desperate to keep Dean’s soup warm – it’s the least he can do – and tries to ignore the black spots in his vision. He knocks on Dean’s door a little too hard and nearly spills the coffee, but thankfully he’s asked in almost straight away. He climbs in and puts the actor’s lunch on the counter.

Dean is almost directly across the room from him – he can see his feet – and seems to be speaking, but there’s a loud roaring in Cas’ ears and he can’t quite make out what Dean is saying. The room is very warm and Cas opens his jacket in a weak attempt to cool himself down, but he’s sweating a lot and it’s hard to breathe and he should go. _No one wants to see you when you’re like that. Get the fuck out of here!_

He veers towards the door and almost gets it open before everything goes black.

 

“Jesus Christ!”

“Cas! Wake up.”

“What the hell did you do him?”

“I didn’t do anything to him, shut the fuck up! Cas, are you okay?”

The voices are loud and Cas groans as he comes to. He’s lying on the floor, but it takes him a moment to realise that it’s Dean’s floor, in Dean’s trailer. When he realises he’s lying on a famous actor’s floor like a useless piece of trash he sits up fairly quickly, making spots dance in front of his eyes, but he ignores them. He has to get up and out of here.

“Hey, hey. Where do you think you’re going Clarence?”, he hears a sardonic voice ask and he looks up to see Meg standing over him.

“Meg?”, he asks confused and she grins.

“Don’t know why you’re so surprised, when I’m the one who should be shocked to find you on the floor.”, she says and he groans, burying his face in his hands to avoid her pitying gaze.

He hears someone clear their throat and turns to see Dean looking at him, a worried expression on his handsome face. “Cas, are you alright?”, he asks quietly and Cas nods, his face flooding with colour. He looks down at his knees as Dean’s earnest green eyes bore into his. How could he have done this to Dean again? First he melts down in front of him, then he faints in the man’s trailer.

“Yes. I’m sorry for the inconvenience. I’ll just –“, he begins, attempting to get to his feet, but he is interrupted.

“Don’t apologize to him.”, Meg says.

“You don’t need to be sorry.”, Dean says at the same time, but he reaches out a hand and hauls Cas to his feet, guiding him over to the sofa. “But are you alright? Why did you collapse? Are you sick?”

Cas shakes his head. “No, I’m perfectly fine. Thank you for your concern.” The words send a wave of regret through him as they leave his mouth. He shouldn’t have said concern, now he’s made it sound like Dean cares about him. He shouldn’t be projecting his own feelings onto other people, no matter how needlessly kind those people have been in the past.

Dean frowns and Meg snorts disbelievingly. “Sure Clarence. Just answer this for me real quick: When was the last time you ate?”, she asks, her tone caustic and Dean frowns at her, although Cas can’t work out why – maybe he’s annoyed they’re hanging about, discussing Cas’ personal life in his trailer.

Cas hangs his head. Meg knows him too well for him to lie to her, but he doesn’t want to admit in front of someone like Dean that he doesn’t even have a handle on basic functions like eating. She sighs, and he knows she’s disappointed in him – he doesn’t really know why she still puts up with him after all these years. “I’ll go get you something to eat. Stay here.”, she orders and Cas shakes his head.

“No Meg, it’s fine. We couldn’t possibly impose on Mr. Winchester any longer.”, Cas says, noting the way Dean’s frown has deepened, before carefully training his eyes back on his lap.

“No please stay here. I don’t mind, I’m glad for the company to be honest.”, Dean says, and Cas thinks from his tone of voice that the man might be smiling.

“Thanks. I’ll be back in a minute.”, Meg says and Cas hears her leave, her heavy boots loud on the laminate flooring. There’s silence in the trailer for a moment and Cas tries not to edge away, when he feels the sofa dip beside him.

Dean sits next to him, but doesn’t say anything for a while and Cas just listens to his quiet breathing. What he said yesterday was true, he knows Dean isn’t the type of guy to just randomly hit on PAs – he’s been around men like that long enough to be able to tell – but nevertheless he finds himself wishing for Meg to return so he isn’t alone with Dean any longer.

“Why didn’t you eat?”, Dean asks quietly and Cas almost jumps, something tightening in his chest at the worry he can hear in the other man’s voice.

He shrugs, staring at his hands which are twisting in his lap almost of their own accord. “I guess I forgot.”, he mumbles.

Dean seems to take a moment to contemplate this and then says: “How long did you forget to eat for?”

“Not long, I just have low blood sugar.”, Cas lies. How do you tell a movie star that you’re in so much debt and earn so little that the food you can afford to buy turns your stomach? How do you tell him, that sometimes not eating is a way to trade the aching in your chest for much more welcome pain in your stomach?

“I don’t think you do.”, Dean says firmly and Cas head snaps up, looking at the other man. His green eyes seem sincere, but not angry. Yet. “Not a lot of people know about my childhood, but it was rough to say the least. I know from experience that you don’t get that out of it from not eating for a few hours. So when was really the last time you ate?”

Cas feels unbelievably guilty. He had no idea that Dean had such a hard childhood. He had been so wrapped up in his own issues that he never stopped to consider how much worse other people had it. Thankfully he is spared from having to answer by Meg returning with a cup of orange juice, a sandwich and a large cookie.

“Save the cookie for later.”, she instructs. “You know how you react if you have too much at once.” Cas grimaces as he takes the food, but she’s right. The way his stomach had cramped up the last time he had gone a few days without eating and then gorged himself on burgers had been almost unbearable.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Dean clench his jaw. “Are you telling me that you do this a lot?”, he demands and Meg scowls. There it is, the anger and disgust Cas had been waiting for.

As had always happened for the last five years, Meg comes to his defence. “It really isn’t your business.”, she says coldly and Cas risks a glance up from his sandwich to see that Dean is glaring right back at her.

“I think it is my business if my friend is going to be collapsing left and right, because he’s not eating properly.”, he spits and Cas freezes.

“Friend?”, Meg asks as Cas thinks the same thing. This man has known him for four days, two of which have been very, very bad days and he’s calling Cas his friend. _You don’t have friends. Who would want to be friends with someone like you?_

Dean gives Cas a shy smile. “Yeah, I think we’re friends, right Cas?”, he asks and Cas nods slowly, his brain still struggling to process what has happened.

“Um… yes?”, he says and Meg raises her eyebrows looking at Dean with something akin to respect.

“Right. Well, I need to go and get Lisa ready for her next scene. Can I leave you to watch over him?”, she asks, directing her question at Dean and Cas’ cheeks burn with embarrassment. How awful for someone like Dean to be put in this position. If he says no, he looks like an asshole, but Cas knows the actor would surely rather be doing anything but looking after Cas.

Dean doesn’t say anything, but he must have nodded because Meg leaves without another word. Cas remains on the sofa taking little sips of his orange juice and sporadically picking at his sandwich. Dean stays next to him and eats his own lunch in silence, but eventually Cas hears him sigh.

“Are you alright?”, he asks quietly, setting his sandwich on the coffee table and risking a glance up at the other man. “I’m really sorry Meg made me stay here. I don’t really feel like eating anyway, so I can just go. You must have a lot of things to do.”

Dean frowns a little and Cas prepares to be told to leave, but instead Dean says: “No Cas, you can stay. How many times do I have to tell you that it’s okay?” He sounds a little annoyed and Cas shrinks away from him into the side of the sofa. _We don’t want you here. Get out. I didn’t say you could be here!_

“At least once more.”, he says quietly and Dean huffs a laugh, leaning forward and picking up Cas’ sandwich which he hands to him.

"You need to eat Cas. God you’re worse than Sam – Lord know how that boy ever got so tall with how picky he is with his food.”

Dean sounds more fond than annoyed and when Cas looks up at him, the actor is smiling.

“Sam is your brother?”, he asks and Dean nods, his smile widening.

He pulls out his phone and shows Cas the lockscreen, which is a picture of him standing next to a tall young man, their arms around each other’s shoulders. “Yeah, that’s him. Like I said, don’t know how he grew up into such a moose considering he went through a phase where all he would eat was macaroni n’ cheese.” Before Cas knows it, a little laugh has escaped his lips and Dean turns his smile on him. “What about you, Cas? Got any brothers or sisters?”

A sick feeling settles in his stomach as he thinks of his family and he shakes his head. “No – well yes, but not biological siblings. I’m adopted. We all were. We are not… close.”

Dean nods. “That's okay, not everyone is close to their family.”, he says, but leaves it at that and Cas is grateful there aren’t any follow-up questions. Dean prods Cas and nods at the half eaten sandwich, so he takes another couple of bites until Dean is smiling at him, satisfied that he is eating.

“Cas?”, Dean says as Cas is washing down the sandwich with some juice.

He squints at Dean in confusion. “Yes?”

Dean looks a little nervous as he says: “Can I ask you something?” Cas nods and the actor swallows and continues. “Don’t take this the wrong way… but are you okay?”

Cas freezes, slowly lowering his cup. He shouldn’t be surprised, there’s no way he has been passing as well put together – not after everything Dean has seen. But he didn’t really expect the actor to want to delve any deeper. He should play it off. He can’t let this perfect man see what a terrible person Cas is – not anymore than he already has that is – so he should pretend that he’s fine or come up with some easy excuse. Instead what comes out, when he opens his mouth is: “It’s complicated.”

Dean nods earnestly and Cas knows he shouldn’t look him in the eye like this – like he’s worthy – but he can’t tear his gaze away from Dean’s. “It always is. I know it may not seem like it, but I know what it’s like to have a rough go of it and I know what it’s like when someone close to you is struggling.” Cas isn’t really sure what to say to that, so he just blinks as Dean cautiously reaches out and covers Cas’ hand with his own. “I know we don’t know each other that well, but if you ever wanted to come over sometime and talk…” He trails off as if he doesn’t know what else to say and something tiny, but warm flares in Cas’ chest – just for a second – before he smothers it. He doesn’t deserve this. If Dean knew, if he really knew what kind of person Cas is, there’s no way he would offer something like that.

He opens his mouth to tell Dean thank you, but that he can’t possibly accept his offer when there’s a knock on the door and Jo sticks her head in.

“Dean! Oh, hey Cas. Dean, Crowley wants you in make-up asap, he’s moved up scene 36 to this afternoon and he wants to get started as soon as possible.”, she says before disappearing again and Dean groans, pulling his hand off Cas’.

“Crowley is going to be the death of me. He needs to stop moving scenes about!”, he mutters, scrubbing a hand across his face. He gets to his feet and turns to Cas, an apologetic expression on his face. “Sorry, I’ve got to run. But I meant what I said. How about you come over tonight? No pressure, we can just order pizza and I can tell you about the awful dinner I was forced to go to yesterday. I’ll come find you when I’m ready to go and we can leave together, okay?”, he says and is out of the door before Cas can answer. If he didn’t know any better, he’d say Dean was a little nervous, but that doesn’t make any sense – he was probably just pumped up about going on set.

Cas slowly gets to his feet and tidies away the rubbish that had been left on Dean’s coffee table, before leaving the warmth of trailer. He needs to get back to work, he can’t spend all his time lounging on an actor’s sofa after all. And he needs to remember to eat so that something as embarrassing as this doesn’t happen again.

He’s not sure what to do about this evening – Dean can’t have meant it, right? Would he really want to spend a whole evening talking with Cas? Of course not. _You shouldn’t talk so much, you’re really not that interesting. Just shut up and look pretty – although I’m sure even that will be a challenge for you!_ He can feel the anxiety building inside of him and his skin starts to itch, but thankfully someone from catering calls him over to deliver Gadreel’s lunch and from then on, he is kept distracted enough to keep the anxiety at bay – for now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I only got two chapters up this week, I've just been super busy, but I hope to be able to stick to three chapters a week from now on!  
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter! xx
> 
> P.S. Can I just say to anyone who feels the way Cas does, that you are worthy and someone does care - even if it doesn't seem like it. You're doing your best and that's all anyone can ask. You are always enough and you're never alone. My Inbox is always open [(here)](https://hefellfordean.tumblr.com/) if you need to talk - I understand, I've been there.


	3. So brave and quiet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Dean's POV  
> TWs for panic attacks, swearing and some vague references to abuse  
> The chapter title is from the Ernest Hemingway quote "You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering.", from his book A Farewell to Arms

Dean is nervous. He knows it’s not a date – he hasn’t been on a date with a man in years, and besides he isn’t sure dating is the best thing for Cas right now – but still there are butterflies in his stomach as he heads off set and across to his trailer. He keeps his eyes peeled for an unruly dark head, but Cas isn’t anywhere to be seen. He’s just opened the door to his trailer when he hears a quiet voice saying his name.

“Hey Cas.”, Dean says, a little relieved – a small part of him had worried that he might not show.

Cas gives him a tense little smile, glancing over his shoulder at the make-up trailer he’d just come from. “Hello Dean, sorry I’m late.”

Dean flashes him a smile. “No worries Cas, I’m sure Meg’s company was sarcastic yet thrilling as always.”

Cas stiffens a little. “Actually Meg went home at three. I had to wash the make-up brushes.”

“The makeup brushes? That’s not your job, Cas.” Dean says, confused. He’d been around cast PAs for years now and he’d never known any of them to be responsible for that kind of thing. “Did Meg, ask you to help?”, he asks, secretly hoping Cas will say yes – the alternative is that he’s being forced to do things that aren’t part of his job by those two snipes Ruby and Lilith.

Cas looks down at his shoes and softly shakes his head. Dean sighs, but decides not to press the issue as just then Benny pulls up.

“Alright, Dean?”, the driver asks, getting out of the car and giving Cas a scrutinising look.

Dean heads to the car, gesturing for Cas to follow him. “Hey Benny, this is Cas, he’s coming with us today.”

Benny looks surprised, but to his credit he doesn’t say anything. He just nods at Cas who offers him a timid smile in return. Dean holds open the door for Cas, waiting for him to get in before shutting it and then heading over to the other side. Benny throws him a suggestive look at that which he decides not to react to. He slides into his own seat next to Cas who is dry washing his hands. Benny starts the car and the familiar sound of Dean’s preferred radio station fills the car.

“Where to boss?”, Benny asks from up front.

Dean turns to the still nervously fidgeting Cas – with anyone else he’d try to impress him, take him to a fancy restaurant, but he had promised Cas pizza on his couch and Cas wasn’t some date that he needed to show off to. “Just home please, Benny.” He sees Benny nod and then Dean does something he never has before, he raises the partition.

“How was your day, Cas?”, he asks quietly. Cas stops fidgeting long enough to look up at him and give him a tight smile.

“It was good.”, he says quietly. “Well… apart from fainting on your floor.” He says the last part with a hint of humour, but very carefully – as if he's afraid that he can’t joke about it.

Dean laughs. “Yeah I can't imagine that being the highlight of your day.”, he says, even though spending time with Cas was kind of the highlight of his. He doesn’t know what it is about the other man, but he feels this urge to be near him, to make sure he’s alright. When he first met him he thought he was attractive, but tightly wound and a bit odd. But now, he sees something behind that. Cas is clearly trying very hard to keep his emotions locked up, and Dean isn’t going to force them out of him, but he knows Cas will need to let them out and someone needs to be there when he does.

Cas shrugs, a short, jerky movement. “It wasn’t so bad, usually it’s…” He seems to think better of whatever he was going to say and Dean’s hands ache to reach out and touch, to comfort. Instead, he balls his hands into fists and nods.

“Yeah well, I’m not glad it happened, but I’m glad you were somewhere we could help you.”, he says sincerely. Cas flushes and lowers his head, but Dean can see that the corner of his mouth has lifted in a small half-smile.

“I am too.”, he says eventually, so quietly that Dean almost doesn’t hear him over the sound of the radio and the car’s engine.

Dean doesn’t actually live that far from the studio so he doesn’t get the chance to say anything else before Benny is lowering the partition to let them know they’ve arrived. Dean insists on getting out of the car and then running around to open Cas’ door for him and Benny smirks at him in the wing mirror, but really it’s just habit – after all, this isn’t a date.

Cas offers him that half-smile again in thanks and something inside Dean cracks at how shy it is, as if Cas is still afraid of him and how he might react – even after everything they’ve been through in the past few days.

Benny leaves after confirming with Dean that he’s to pick him up at 7am the next morning, and Dean guides Cas towards the front door.

There are three things in his life that Dean is extremely proud of, the first being his brother Sam. He loves that kid more than he’d ever verbally admit and the day Sammy got his acceptance to Stanford meant more to Dean than when he was nominated for his first Golden Globe. The second thing is his Baby, a black 67 Chevy Impala that he got from his dad when he was 18 and is his pride and joy although it’s impractical for him to drive it to work everyday - especially when he’s often so tired after work that he can barely see straight, let alone drive. The third is his house. He bought the townhouse in Chicago with the money from the first really big blockbuster he did three years ago and he spent three months redecorating it to create exactly the home he wanted. As he leads Cas through the front door and into the living room, he sees the other man looking around appreciatively – at least Dean thinks so – at the exposed brick walls, open fireplace and large, comfortable leather armchairs with a matching sofa.

“You like it?”, he asks and Cas nods.

“Yeah, it’s just…”

“Not what you expected?”, Dean finishes for him and Cas looks embarrassed. His cheeks are red and Dean is hit by the overwhelming urge to say 'Aww'. “It’s okay Cas, most people expect me to live in a mansion with marble and chrome everywhere.”

“This suits you better.”, Cas replies and Dean ducks his head at the compliment.

He looks around his living room and Cas standing in the middle of it and something warm spreads in his chest. “Shall we order that pizza then?”, he suggests, flopping onto the sofa and gesturing for the other man to join him. Cas does, carefully sitting on the edge of the sofa - although he's about as far from Dean as he can get.

Dean digs his phone from his pocket and after confirmation from Cas that he’s good with an extra cheesy pepperoni pizza, he places the order. “It’ll be about twenty minutes.”, he says and Cas nods.

They sit in silence for a moment and then Cas speaks rather suddenly as if he had been keeping in what he wanted to say. “You didn’t have to invite me over for dinner just because you feel sorry for me.” He doesn’t look at Dean as he says it and Dean can see the tension in his jaw and the way the fingers of his left hand are obsessively flexing open and shut around thin air.

Dean finally gives in to the aching urge in his hands and reaches out to gently touch Cas’ hand. He stiffens, but doesn’t pull away which Dean takes as a good sign, so he keeps his hand on Cas’. “I didn’t invite you over because I feel sorry for you. Yes, I am a little worried about you, but more than that… I actually really like you. I think you’re a good guy Cas and like I said earlier I don’t think you’re talking about the things that bother you and I want you to be able to.”

Cas swallows several times, but doesn’t say anything and Dean decides to leave it for now. “Well, I promised you pizza – which is on its way – and also that I’d tell you about the worst dinner I’ve ever been to. It’s so bad, I don’t even know how to put it in words, but then again you’ve met Crowley so maybe you understand.”, Dean says, actually pulling a little snigger from Cas, which seems promising so he continues. “So yesterday evening I arrive at this restaurant – which is one of those terribly expensive places where you need a different fork for every bite – and Crowley’s the only one there. He orders this ridiculously expensive wine, even though I’ve told him at least ten times that I don’t drink wine and insists on – get this – toasting to my future.” He shakes his head at the memory of Crowley rasping at him, glass of wine in one hand while the other is inching towards Dean’s knee. Cas is looking at him with rapt attention and Dean almost blushes at the intensity of his gaze – he doesn’t think the other man has held eye contact with him that long before and his eyes are really, really blue. “Anyway, so there I am, trying to get Crowley to stop toasting and this studio bigwig who was there yesterday – De Ville – arrives. And like, I’m used to kissing ass and having execs like that acting like I’m their property, but this guy was on a whole different level! Not only does he tell me how I should sign this contract tying me to his studio for another five years, but he hits more on me in the course of one dinner than Crowley has in the entire time I’ve known him. Seriously, the guy is so creepy, I swear his eyes flashed red at one point. The worst part was that when he offered me the contract, it sounded great and like everything I could ever want, but I felt –“

“As if you couldn’t say no.”, Cas interrupts him and Dean is suddenly very aware of how Cas’ breathing seems laboured and he’s dinging the nails of his right hand so hard into his left arm that there are tiny beads of blood blossoming from the skin.

“What did I say? Are you alright, Cas?”, Dean asks as he carefully tries to pull Cas’ hand away from his arm to stop him hurting himself anymore. Cas just shakes his head, his breathing strained. Dean tries desperately to remember what he had read about panic attacks after what happened to Cas the day before and takes both of his hands firmly in his own. “Cas, I need you to look at me. You need to try and calm down, okay? Breathe in; one, two, three, four. Hold it; one, two, three, four. Now breathe out; one, two, three, four. And again.” Dean exaggerates his breaths as he continues to count and Cas does his best to follow. His breaths are shaky and come too fast, but eventually, after breathing in and out about ten times they start steady a little and Dean stops counting and instead focusses on making soft, soothing noises. Cas still has one of his hands in a death grip and he seems much less averse to being touched this time so Dean pulls the hand that Cas has a laxer grip on away from him and gently rubs his back in a circular motion. “That’s it Cas, you’re doing so well.”, he says quietly. After another five minutes of them sitting like that, Cas slumps back into sofa cushions like a puppet whose strings have been cut, with Dean’s arm trapped between his back and the sofa. Dean realises he can either tug it out or… he slides a little closer to Cas and wraps both arms around the other man. Cas tenses a little and Dean almost pulls away again, but then Cas is returning the embrace. Dean tightens his arms a little and they’re so close that he can feel the erratic beating of the other man’s heart against his chest. Cas is the first to pull away, a dark pink staining his cheeks and he is back to staring at his hands and not looking Dean in the eye.

“I’m sorry.”, he says quietly and Dean thinks there might be a permanent fissure in his heart, put there by the look on Cas’ face when he apologises – like he hates himself for apologising but hates himself even more for what he’s apologising for.

Dean shakes his head. “Please. Don’t apologise, Cas. This isn’t your fault. I must have said something – done something – to trigger you. I don’t need an explanation, but maybe you could tell me what it was, so I can avoid it and try not to hurt you again.”

Cas looks torn, his fingers are compulsively opening and closing again, but eventually he nods. He looks pale and he actually looks like he’s shaking a little. “Okay.”, he breathes. Then the doorbell rings.

Dean is loath to leave him, but then it rings again and Cas frowns a little at him, as if confused as to why he’s still there. Dean hurries to the door and shoves a few bills at the delivery guy, before grabbing the pizza and returning to Cas.

“Do you want something to eat?”, he asks quietly and Cas shakes his head, but Dean hands him a slice anyway. “You should eat Cas.”

Cas takes the proffered piece with shaky hands and takes a small bite. He smiles a little at the taste, then takes a much bigger bite. Dean stifles a laugh at the sweet action and takes his own slice of pizza. They eat quickly, the silence stretching between them, but then Cas finishes his fourth slice of pizza and sighs.

Dean decides against eating more and turns to look at Cas, who seems to be working up the courage to say something. Dean decides to give him the time, but he inches slightly closer on the sofa.

Cas is contorting his fingers into painful looking knots again so Dean carefully reaches out and takes one of his hands. “It’s okay Cas, you don’t have to tell me.”, he says softly. Cas’ fingers briefly tighten around his and he takes a deep, slightly jittery breath.

“No, it’s okay. That’s why I’m here, right?”, Cas says and when he looks up at Dean for just a brief moment, Dean can see the resolve in his blue eyes. “The reason I… freaked out today and back on set was because… because of Mr. De Vi – because of Lucifer.”

Dean feels Cas shaking next to him and he thinks he might have started crying, but he has to ask. “How do you know him?”

Cas shakes his head, tears dripping down his long nose and into his lap. “I just – I want to tell you, but… not today. I’m sorry I can’t.” He draws a breath, but can’t quite hide the tremor in his voice when he speaks again. “I’m sorry, I know you deserve better but-“

Dean shakes his head. “Cas this isn’t about me or what you think I deserve. Tell me as much or as little you need to.”

“Thank you, Dean.”, the other man says quietly and Dean squeezes his hand again.

“You don’t have to thank me, Cas. But… De Ville, he hurt you right?” Cas stiffens a little and nods. “You don’t have to tell me what happened, but he said he wanted to keep an eye on filming so he might be around a lot and I don’t know how good that will be for you.”

Cas pulls his hand from Dean’s. “I can’t quit this job Dean. I know that you don’t have to think about money and how you live, but I can barely pay rent as it is. I haven’t had the heat on in a week. I can’t quit! I can’t, I can’t. I mean if you want to fire me I get it. That’s fine. Fine. I’ll just… well, that doesn’t matter to you. I’ll just go? I’ll go. Sorry. Thank you. Sorry.”,  he says, the words pouring out of him and he gets to his feet, nervously tugging at his sleeves.

Dean jumps up too, trying to placate the other man, but not wanting to startle him. “No, Cas no. Don’t go, please. Of course I’m not firing you and you don’t have to quit your job! I would never ask that of you.”

Cas stops in his tracks, already halfway to the front door. “You wouldn’t?”, he asks quietly timidly meeting Dean’s eye, his whole body jumpy and twitching as if ready to run.

Dean shakes his head. “Never. All I was going to suggest is that I ask for you to be reassigned from general cast PA to my personal assistant. That way, you can stay in my trailer when needed and more importantly avoid De Ville as much as possible.”

Cas looks like he might faint and in fact his knees do buckle a little, so Dean puts a gentle hand on his shoulder and guides him back to the sofa. “Why – why would you do that for me? I’m grateful – beyond that even – but – and please, please forgive me for saying this – but what’s in it for you? What do you want from me?”, Cas asks and he looks despondent as if afraid of Dean’s answer – and Dean can’t help but wonder what people had asked of Cas before, what Lucifer has done to make him so afraid and unwilling to accept help?

“I don’t want anything from you, Cas.”, he says, even as he ignores the tiny voice in the back of his mind that tells him he does want Cas. “I just want to help you, I swear that’s all. Will you let me help you?”

Cas looks at him for a long time and Dean is almost uncomfortable with the staring after being so used to so little direct eye contact, but eventually he nods solemnly. “Thank you, Dean.”

Dean smiles and decides not to say anything else on the matter. “How about we watch some TV? What do you like?”

“I don’t mind.”, Cas says quietly. Dean may be a pretty face, but it does not escape his notice that Cas has not once asserted his own preference for anything at all – almost as if he were afraid to. Dean is tempted to push just a little, to see what would happen if he handed Cas the remote and told him to pick, but instead he flicks on the TV and settles for a western he’d started watching the other day. He settles back into the sofa cushions, while Cas sits beside him, his back ramrod straight.

About twenty minutes into the movie, when Dean hasn’t moved at all, Cas relaxes minutely. He sags a little and leans back against the sofa. From the corner of his eye, Dean can see Cas watching him warily. He doesn’t acknowledge the other man’s wariness but he does keep track of how Cas loosens up more and more as the film goes on. Dean once again feels that terrible ache in his palms and the longing to touch Cas, to comfort him, so he stuffs his hands under his thighs to stop himself.

By the time the film ends, Cas has sunk back completely into the sofa and his eyes are half-closed. With the credit music playing softly in the background, Dean turns to Cas. “Hey, you okay?”

Cas nods, giving him a sleepy smile that makes Dean’s heart twinge. “Yes. I very much enjoyed this film.”

Dean shoots him a grin. “Yeah, Tombstone is a classic.” Cas nods and yawns and Dean looks at the clock on the mantelpiece. “Wow, it’s getting pretty late. I need to hit the hay.” He notices how Cas stiffens and immediately moves to placate him. “How about I call you a cab?”

Cas looks relieved and Dean pulls out his phone to book one, placing the call as quickly as he can, making sure the company just put the fare on his tab.

When he finishes, Cas clears his throat a little. “I um, I wanted to thank you Dean. I know… I know I’m not the easiest person to – well I- I know I’m difficult and I’m sorry. But you – you’ve been kind to me when you didn’t have to be. So… thank you.”, he says and Dean wants to wrap him in his arms and never let go. But he can’t. Not now. Not yet.

Instead, he gives Cas a small smile. “You don’t have to thank me Cas, not for something like this. I don’t think you’ve had a lot of experience with good people, but I need you to know that you can trust me. I’m never going to make you do things that you don’t want to do, or force you to talk to me – that being said, you can talk to me. Anytime, anywhere and I’ll listen okay?”

Cas nods, but asks: “Why?”

Dean sighs. “A while back – around the time my dad died – I was going through some stuff and I ignored the fact that Sam was too. He had it really rough and has only recently gotten back on the straight and narrow, but it was almost too late. I don’t want to make that mistake again.” It’s hard to think about, harder to talk about, just how bad Sam got when their dad died – and how Dean was too busy drinking and fucking to notice.

Cas looks at him with a tender sort of understanding, but he also looks perturbed. “I appreciate that, but Dean… I’m not your brother. You don’t know me.”

“I would like to.”, Dean says sincerely.

If he’s not mistaken, Cas is blushing slightly and the sight warms something inside him. His phone chirps loudly between them. “Cab’s here.”, Dean says, reading the notification he was sent and they get to their feet. “I’ll walk you out.”, he says and Cas follows him to the door.

The cab is idling outside and just as Cas makes to leave with an awkward little twitch of his hand, Dean reels him in for a hug. Cas seems a little startled, but returns it nonetheless.

“Goodbye Dean.”, Cas says when they let go of each other. He turns and walks towards the cab.

“Bye Cas.”, Dean calls after him. Cas gives him another twitchy wave as he gets into the cab and when the taxi pulls away, someone gets out of a car parked across the street.

“Lisa?”, he asks as the woman walks towards him.

“Hey Dean.”, she says, her pretty face contorted into a confused frown.

He stands in the doorway indecisively. It’s cold, but he doesn’t really want to invite her in. “What are you doing here?”

She flashes him what he’s sure she thinks is a winning smile, but actually comes off as rather cold. “Well, I came to see if you wanted to… run lines for our scene tomorrow, but now I think you might have been, ah, _otherwise occupied_.”

Dean narrows his eyes. “What are you implying, Lisa?”

She raises her perfect eyebrows. “I’m not implying anything, but to be honest I really didn’t take you for the time to screw the PA – especially not a male one.”

“What are you talking about? I’m not _screwing_ Cas!”, he says angrily and Lisa holds out her phone that has a slightly blurry picture of him hugging Cas moments ago on the display.

“Really? That’s not what it looks like to me!”, she says loudly.

He grabs her arm and pulls her inside. “Lower your voice!” He slams the door behind them and lets go of her. “What do you want?”

“I've been wondering why you didn’t do anything about us. It’s because you’re gay, right?”, she says and something sinks in Dean’s stomach. Of all the people in the showbiz world, only Jo and his driver Benny know of his orientation. If the newspapers found out they’d have a field day and he isn't sure he can face that.

He moves away from her. “That’s none of your business!”, he spits and her face twists.

“No, but it’s the studio’s. Workplace romance is strictly forbidden and I’m sure Mr. De Ville or Crowley would hate to hear that not only is their macho lead gay, but _fucking_ a PA!”, Lisa says and Dean’s stomach twists painfully. They wouldn’t fire him, but Cas… PAs are replaceable. They wouldn’t even care enough to investigate the rumour, they’d just get rid of him – and if Lisa told De Ville, that might bring Cas to his attention and although he doesn’t know the whole story, Dean’s fairly certain that’s the last thing Cas would want.

“You can’t.”, he says forcefully.

Lisa tosses her head dramatically. “Why shouldn’t I?”

“Why do you even want to?”

She sighs. “Look Dean, I don’t expect you to understand, but my career is in a bit of a slump. Dating you would have given my profile a huge boost.” Dean looks at her appalled. “Now seducing you is obviously off the table, I have a different idea. You date me – not really, just for the public – and in return, I won’t get your precious _Cas_ fired.”, she says and Dean honestly doesn’t know what to say.

He finally finds his voice. “You’re insane.”

“No Dean, Hollywood is insane. And if I’m going to continue to get movie roles, I need to be seen as desirable. Being with you will do that. Date me for three months, that’s all I’m asking.”, she says, her expression softening.

“No.”, he says.

“Just till the end of filming. Then we can say we had and amicable break-up.”

“That’s six weeks, Lisa!”

Her face darkens. “I need this, Dean! You either fake-date me for six weeks or I’ll send the photo to Mr. De Ville and the PA will be out of a job faster than you can say Golden Globe!”

Dean thinks about Cas, how he had begged Dean to let him keep his job twice now and panicked at even the mention of Lucifer's name. He thinks about how he can’t seem to get the blue-eyed man out of his head, how badly he wants to help him. He sags. “Okay.”

“Yeah?”, Lisa asks, far too happy considering she’s essentially just blackmailed him.

“Yes. Now get out.”, he opens the door and makes an unmistakable gesture asking her to leave.

She scowls. “Fine. But tomorrow, we’re going to The Syren for dinner and there will be photographers so dress nice.” With that she storms off to her car.

Dean closes the door and slides down onto the floor. He knows in his heart of hearts that he had no other choice, but by protecting Cas like this he also sees every possible chance of maybe someday being with him sliding down the drain. He’ll have to pretend to be with Lisa throughout filming and then he’ll move onto the next film – that might not be in Chicago – and then what if he doesn’t see Cas again? He struggles to his feet and trudges to bed with a heavy heart, and a knot in his stomach at the thought of having to work with her tomorrow. As long as Cas keeps his job, he thinks, it’ll all be worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to have to apologise yet again for not sticking to the upload schedule, but I've been out of the country at my uncle's wedding (so I actually have a good excuse this time!).  
> To make up for it this chapter was a bit longer than the others I have planned, so I hope you enjoyed it and the plot-twist!  
> Also, I love reading all your comments they legitimately give me life, thank you so much!!!


	4. Sit with me in the dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Cas' POV  
> TWs for panic attacks, swearing, self harm, offensive language  
> The chapter title is from the quote "I don’t need you to light up my world. Just sit with me in the dark." by askpristin on tumblr

Cas dreams of red eyes and unfulfilled promises. When he wakes up, his pyjamas are soaked with sweat and his apartment seems colder than it ever has before, but when he thinks of last night a warmth blossoms in his chest. A part of him is still worried that Dean wants something that he can’t give, but so far he hasn’t been able to see any ulterior motives. However, he’s sure that if Dean has any such motivations, they’ll show themselves in time – they always do.

It’s a little easier to get out of bed today, although there’s a scratch in his throat and an ache in his joints that doesn’t bode well, he really can’t afford to get sick now. His phone buzzes with what he assumes is his morning breakfast list, but instead he sees a text from Dean.

**_Dean >> Hey Cas, I got your number from the crew directory. Just wanted to confirm that you’ve been switched over to my personal PA and you only have to get me breakfast. If you want to get yourself something too that would be even better, because then we can eat together. See you later!_ **

His whole body floods with relief – a part of him was worried that all Dean had said last night wasn’t true, that he’d have to go back to dealing with requests from the mean make-up girls, walking miles to get Lisa her expensive smoothies and dodging _Him_ on set. Instead he only has to get Dean his favourite breakfast (bacon and eggs with a side of hashbrowns and black coffee from the diner right next to the studio) and he can even have something to eat with him. _He’s just being polite, nobody actually wants to spend time with you._

But Dean had seemed so genuine when they talked last night that just this once, Cas can ignore the cold, cruel voice in his head and thinks that maybe Dean does want to spend time with him – after all, he didn’t have to invite Cas for breakfast, he could just have his own brought and then send Cas away.

Cas’ fingers hover over his phone for a minute before he replies

**Cas << Hello Dean. I’ll be in work shortly, would you like your usual from Nico’s? – Cas**

The reply is instantaneous and Cas can’t help smiling.

**_Dean >> Yes that would be amazing! You’re the best! Don’t forget to get yourself something!!!_ **

Cas puts his phone down and heads for the shower. His head feels heavy as he steps under the warms spray, but for once he doesn’t feel like staying there until he has to rush into his clothes and out the front door. He actually wants to go work. He washes himself quickly, briefly drying his hair with a towel and dresses as warmly as he can.

When he steps out into the frigid air, he instantly regrets not drying his hair properly or at least putting on a hat. Since the diner isn’t as far away from the studio as the juice bar so he can stay on the bus until he’s only half a block from the studio. He shivers as he steps off the bus, but he only has to walk a few feet before he’s immersed in the warmth of the diner. The minute he enters one of the waiters, a friendly young guy called Alfie, comes rushing over.

“Hi Cas!”, he says excitedly. “Your order for Mr. Winchester will be right out.” He lowers his voice a little as he says Dean’s name and Cas has to smother a laugh. Alfie always acts as if he were making breakfast for the queen and Cas has to admit his enthusiasm is endearing. He remembers a time when he was like that and it makes his head ache a little to have to think about why he isn’t like that anymore. _You were never like that, never that cute or innocent. You’ve always been this cowering mess of a human._ But he hadn’t been. He remembers a time _before,_ when he laughed, and sang in the shower and went out dancing in clubs where he’d spend the night getting wealthy older men to by him drinks. _Yeah and even they could see that you were nothing more than a cheap whore._

He knows he was supposed to get himself something to eat too, but the pain in his head has spread to his chest and the gnawing in his stomach is a good distraction. He accepts the takeaway bag with Dean’s breakfast in it, pays and leaves the diner without asking for anything else.

He walks to the studio and to where Dean’s trailer is as quickly as possible in order to keep not only Dean’s food, but also himself warm. He knocks softly on the trailer door and is asked in immediately. Dean is sprawled on his sofa, feet up on the coffee table, but he jumps up when Cas shuffles in.

“Oh my god, that smells amazing!”, Dean says when he takes the bag from Cas. He rummages around in it and pulls his food out, followed by the coffee, then he looks back inside the bag in confusion.

“Sorry, did I forget something?”, Cas asks, his stomach clenching. _You worthless piece of crap! You had one job and you couldn’t even do that right!_

Dean shakes his head. “No, all mine is there. It’s just… where’s yours?”

Cas looks down at his feet. “Oh I um, had breakfast before you texted me. I didn’t think there was any sense in eating twice.”

Dean sighs. “Cas, you know you’re a really bad liar, right?”

 _Don’t lie to me Castiel, you know I don’t like it when you lie._ Cas’ hands are shaking a little. He doesn’t know what to do. The ache in his chest has spread and he doesn’t know if he can look Dean in the eye. “Why haven’t you eaten?”, Dean asks softly and Cas shrugs. His head hurts and his stomach is simultaneously growling and twisting and he thinks he might cry, but he can’t – not again, not in front of Dean. Then there’s a hand covering his. It surprises him just how calloused Dean’s hands are, considering he’s an actor. “It’s okay Cas. You don’t have to tell me.” His voice is quiet, reassuring and Cas is finding it harder and harder to remember that Dean is his boss first, and a possible friend second. “Here, they always put too much in this order and I shouldn’t be eating so much anyway.” He grabs two plates and two sets of cutlery from the trailer’s kitchenette and splits the breakfast from the diner evenly between the two of them.

Cas doesn’t say much while they eat, but Dean fills the silence by talking about his car, which he promises he’ll show Cas at some point. “Speaking of which, why don’t you come by again this weekend? We can just chill and watch a movie. If you want to, that is.”, the actor says, suddenly seeming a little unsure of himself.

Cas smiles carefully at him. “I would like that Dean.” It’s been years since he’s had a… friend like this. Meg took care of him, but she was sharp and prickly and sometimes she was too brusque and didn’t understand that Castiel was weak and pathetic and needed her to sand down her edges.

Dean opens his mouth to reply when there’s a delicate knock on the door and Lisa walks in.

“You know, it’s impolite to walk into someone’s trailer before they ask you to come in.”, Dean says before she can speak. Unless Castiel is mistaken, Dean is radiating cold hostility and it isn’t directed at him – he knows what that’s like.

Lisa shrugs delicately. She’s beautiful, Cas knows she is and she knows it too. He wonders if Dean knows it. He’d have to be blind not to. “I’m sorry, but I thought we should get a quick picture up on instagram at the very least – maybe Snapchat too?”, she says, pulling out her phone.

Dean scowls, but gestures for her to come over. She plants herself firmly between them and Cas shuffles to the side and Dean throws him an apologetic look over her shoulder. Cas offers him a small smile which slides right off his face, when Lisa lifts herself up and onto Dean’s lap, her slender arms wrapped around his neck. She glances back at a Cas and hands him her phone. “Here… Cas, was it? Take a photo of us will you?” Cas nods, taking her phone, but he does his best to avoid looking her in the eye, he’s not sure he can. He gets up from the sofa as Lisa cuddles up to Dean. He sighs as Cas raises the phone and then his face is illuminated with a wide smile and Cas feels his heart skip a beat. It really isn’t fair that some people look that golden and lovely. Cas snaps a couple of pictures and then Lisa turns and presses her lips to Dean’s cheek. This time Cas thinks his heart has stopped. He blindly takes a few more pictures and then hands the phone back to Lisa who seems disinclined to move from her current position. He feels like he wants to crawl out of his own skin. His arms are itchy and he tries to resist the urge to scratch – there are still some scabs that haven’t healed yet from the last time he couldn’t resist – and he balls his hands into fists.

“Okay you got your picture, don’t you have to be on set for your scene with Gadreel?”, Dean asks and Cas feels guilty. He’s clearly interrupting Dean’s time with… is Lisa his girlfriend? Lisa pouts, but leaves.

Cas shuffles towards the door, when Dean fixes his green-eyed gaze on him. “I’m sorry. You didn’t need to send her away.”

Dean grins. “Yeah, I really did. Now how about you help me get through the first season of Breaking Bad before I have to go on set. I keep lying in interviews and saying that I love it, but I’ve never actually seen it before.” He switches on the TV and pats the sofa cushion next to him invitingly. Cas cautiously sits down next to him and they manage to get through two and a half episodes before Cas gets a text asking him to escort Dean to set. Except when he opens the trailer door, he can see Lucifer walking across to set with Hester. Dean is marginally taller than him and saw him moments before Cas did and is shutting the door so that Cas doesn’t get more than a glimpse of _Him_.

“Why don’t you stay in the trailer?”, Dean asks. Cas twists his hands together. He would love to say yes, but the thought of how pathetic he must look to Dean keeps running through his mind. “Hey, I don't need you to do anything for me right now and we agreed this is what we would do, right?”

Cas can only nod. Dean _had_ said only last night that Cas could stay in the trailer – he just hadn’t thought that Dean actually meant it. Dean hands him the TV remote and says he’ll be back for lunch and then he leaves, although not without adding that Cas better have something to eat this time.

Cas puts on some sit-com and then sinks onto the sofa. He isn’t sure how he got so lucky, as to have someone like Dean be so genuinely kind to him, but what he does know for certain is that he doesn’t deserve it. _Of course you don’t deserve it. You’re nothing Castiel, you deserve nothing._

He isn’t really sure how long he sits there, but when he drags himself from his thoughts, he realises he only has fifteen minutes before Dean will be getting back for lunch. He hurriedly pulls on his jacket and rushes down to the deli.

The deli is blessedly warm and he seems to have got there just before the lunchtime rush. He orders potato-leek soup for Dean and asks for the cheapest soup they have – chicken-noodle – for himself. The girl behind the counter smiles at him and there’s a little heart on the receipt stapled to his takeaway bag. He tries to smile back, but he’s fairly sure it just comes out as a nervous twitch. Even that small interaction has his heart pounding anxiously and he’s pretty sure his hands are shaking. When he gets back to the trailer he knocks politely and hears Dean tersely say: “Come in.”

When he steps in, Lisa is sitting on the sofa and Dean is standing over her, his shoulders tense.

“I have lunch.”, he says quietly and Dean flashes him a smile.

“Thanks Cas.”, he nods at the coffee table. “Just put it over there. Spoons are in the drawer in the corner.” Cas carefully deposits the soup, going to fetch the silverware and he hunches over when Lisa addresses him.

She is holding the two cups of soup, looking at them critically as she speaks. “Why did you get two? Could you not remember Dean’s order?”

Cas’ mouth is dry and his head is still pounding and he doesn’t know what to say. Maybe Dean doesn’t want him to let her know that he is having lunch with his assistant? And he did pay for both of their lunches with the petty cash reserved for the actors’ lunches. He’ll have to put the money back, and that deli is expensive. _So you’ve been wasting money on yourself again? How typical of you Castiel._ Thankfully Dean says something before Cas has to.

“One of them is his, Lisa. PAs aren’t slaves, they’re allowed to eat too.”, he says snarkily.

Lisa shoots him a filthy look and then gives a long-suffering sigh. “I’m sorry Dean, I just thought that usually the PAs get food from catering and eat with the other crew-members and not with the talent.”

Cas hangs his head, his stomach twisting guiltily and mutters that he’ll go find Meg, but then Dean is beside him, a comforting hand on his shoulder.

He nudges Cas’ chin with a finger, making him look at him. “Hey, it’s okay. Stay here, I invited you, remember?” His eyes are sincere and there’s a burning hot patch of skin on Cas’ face from where Dean’s fingers had touched him, so he just nods. Dean smiles and then turns to Lisa. “You should go. I’ll see you later for dinner.”

She tosses her head, but walks over to the door. “Fine. I’ll see you this evening. Enjoy your… lunch.”

Dean huffs a relieved sigh when she leaves and collapses down onto the sofa. He grabs his food and gestures for Cas to join him. Cas does – a little apprehensive – and starts eating his soup. It’s really good and it soothes his sore throat a little. By now he’s almost certain that he’s getting a cold and he is dreading tomorrow, when it’ll be the weekend and he has nowhere to go but his unheated apartment.

Dean puts Breaking Bad back on again and as they eat together, Cas tries not to think about how perfectly Lisa fit into Dean’s lap and how disgusted she looked at the thought of Cas eating with Dean. Then again, he supposes that if he were with someone like Dean – _not that anyone like Dean would ever date you_ – he wouldn’t want them eating with some lowly PA.

Dean must be able to see some of his thoughts on his face, because he nudges him with his shoulder and flashes him a smile. Cas timidly smiles back and Dean returns his attention to the TV screen. It’s nice, just sitting like this and he’s surprised to find that he is actually relaxing. The trailer is very warm and his headache is finally dying down. He must drop off for a minute, because next thing he knows, he is sitting slumped sideways with his head on Dean’s shoulder. He sits up as quickly as he can and Dean laughs a little.

“You alright, sleepyhead?”, he asks and Cas flushes.

“Sorry.”, he mumbles and Dean smiles at him reassuringly.

“Don’t worry about it, you’ve only been asleep for about five minutes.”

Cas nods, relieved and also very surprised. He doesn’t even feel safe enough to sleep around Meg – let alone a man he barely knows. _You sleep when I tell you to sleep, Castiel. No one needs such a lazy piece of crap lying about the house._

Dean stretches and Cas does his best not to look at the strip of skin on his stomach that the actor is currently exposing. “Well, I had better get back on set before Crowley kills me.”, he says, glancing at his watch and Cas gets to his feet.

“Is there anything you would like me to do?”, he asks obediently and Dean shakes his head.

“Nah, I’m good. Actually you look a bit peaky, why don’t you head home and get some rest?” Cas starts to protest, but Dean waves him off. “Honestly Cas, the minute I’m done with this scene I’m heading home. I’m… busy this evening, but how about I text you tomorrow morning and we can arrange a time to hangout?”, he give Cas a hopeful smile and even though he knows he shouldn’t, Cas smiles and agrees.

He and Dean head to the door together and Dean even insists on sticking his head out to make sure Lucifer isn’t lurking about anywhere. Before they part, Dean pulls him in for a hug that definitely doesn’t last long enough. Cas can feel how warm the other man is, can smell his cologne and underneath that the scent of leather and motor oil.

“Goodbye Dean.”, he says when the other man lets go of him.

Dean pats him on the shoulder. “I’ll see you tomorrow Cas.”

Cas watches him go for a minute and then trudges through the lot and towards the bus stop. Just as he reaches the studio gates he hears someone call his name. He turns, thinking Dean has forgotten something he needs Cas to do – instead he sees Lucifer coming towards him.

“Hello Castiel.”, he says in his silky voice and Cas thinks he might throw up. His heart is pounding and blood is rushing in his ears. Lucifer looks at him pityingly. “So this is what you’re doing now? Wiping overpaid, talentless actors’ asses. Pathetic.” Cas wants to say no, wants to say that Dean is one of the most talented actors he has ever met, wants to say that he isn’t pathetic. But he can’t. His jaw is clenched so tightly he thinks he might never be able to open his mouth again and he can feel his legs threatening to give out beneath him. Lucifer gives him an appraising look and then smirks. Cas’ stomach clenches. He knows that look, it’s the one that means he’s figured something out – found another weakness. “Or do you do more than that? I heard Winchester requested you as his personal assistant. Why would he do that?” He steps closer and Cas knows where he’s going with this, but he doesn’t know what to do. “Is he fucking you, is that it? You always were easy, spreading your legs for anyone with a pretty smile.” Cas shakes his head mutely and Lucifer’s smile turns predatory. “No? He’s not fucking you? I bet he wants to though. I wonder if he knows. I wonder if he knows just what a pathetic slut you are, how you’d let anyone have you. How many times you let me have you.”

“I didn’t.”, Cas breathes through clenched teeth and Lucifer actually laughs.

“Oh no? What would you call it then?”

Cas swallows a couple of times and clenches his fists, his nails digging into the soft skin of his palms. “I didn’t give. You took it.”, he manages, his breathing fast and shallow.

Lucifer sighs as if bored with the whole conversation. “Oh Castiel, how much longer are you going to tell these lies? You wanted me and you know it. After all, I didn’t force you to marry me, did I?”

Cas wants to say more, wants to force himself to say something, but then Lucifer’s hand is gripping his chin. “Don’t worry. You can keep your little job with that B-movie actor, but trust me it won’t be long until Winchester is all over that ass and you know workplace romance isn’t allowed. The minute he makes a move, you’ll be out on the street. But it’s okay, I’ll be there to catch you when you fall.” He traces a finger along Cas’ lower lip and then lets go of him, stepping away nonchalantly. “I’ll see you on Monday.”

Cas watches him go, rooted to the ground in fear. He can’t go back to Lucifer, he can’t. When he left he barely escaped with his life, but Lucifer is right. If he loses this job he’ll have nowhere else to go but back to him or the streets. He thinks he might prefer the streets. At least he’s wrong about Dean, there’s no way he’d be interested in Cas. Lucifer may have been right about everything else, but he wasn’t right about that. Even though he is easy, Dean is straight – he won’t want what Cas has, even if he were offering it. He stumbles towards the bus stop, his stomach churning. He knew Lucifer was on set, had seen him a couple times even, but he had never dreamed that he would come and talk to him – let alone threaten him.

He sinks onto the bench at the bus stop and lets himself cry. His chest aches and his skin itches and he doesn’t know if he can continue existing like this. He knows he needs help, but he can’t call Dean, he can’t. His breath comes in short bursts and his hands are shaking so hard he can barely hold his phone. He unlocks it and just about manages to dial Meg’s number.

He doesn’t manage to say much more than “bus stop” when she picks up, but she’s there only a few minutes later. She doesn’t hug him, doesn’t say anything either. Instead she pulls a tissue from her pocket and softly dries his tears even as new ones start to fall again.

They sit there for too long. Cas misses three busses as he cries and Meg mops him up. Eventually, when he can’t cry anymore, his nose is running and his head is pounding, Meg wraps an arm around him. “Was it Winchester?”, she asks, her voice frosty.

He shakes his head and she arches an eyebrow. “It wasn’t.”, he insists and she nods.

“Was it something to do with that other guy?”, she asks carefully and when he nods in reply, she sighs.  “One day Clarence, you’ll have to tell me who he is and what exactly he did.”

He nods and she gets up, pulling him to his feet. “You should go home.”, Meg says and he nods, digging in his pockets for his bus pass.

They stand in silence as the next bus comes rolling in. Meg squeezes his hand and he gives her a smile, before getting on the bus. He feels numb inside and it scares him - nothing good ever comes from the numbness.

When he gets home the first thing he does his head to the bathroom. He looks at himself in the mirror. Acknowledges his too long nose, the way his eyes squint weirdly making him look even uglier. He strips and steps into the shower. He still feely empty, frozen as if Lucifer had scooped out anything alive inside him and left him nothing but an empty shell. The shower his hot and burns his skin. He lets it. He can’t be dead if there’s pain. His razorblades are still in the shower where he left them and when he presses one to his arm, slicing, waiting for the blood to flow, he relishes the stinging pain.

He makes another cut. It doesn’t need to be big, it just needs to remind him that he’s still there, that he isn’t a ghost. He cuts. Again and again and again until he runs out of skin on his forearm and the shower runs cold. He’s out of hot water. He shuts off the water and watches it mingle with his blood and run down the drain.

His apartment is freezing and he can see the heat coming off his skin in waves of steam. He’s too tired to get anything to eat so he just pulls on some underwear and collapses into bed.

When he wakes up six hours later with clammy skin, a pounding head and a runny nose he just accepts that he's ill and will probably feel even worse later, so he lets sleep take him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I hope you liked this, it was a bit darker than the other chapters and I promise you will get Cas and Lucifer's whole background in coming chapters! xxx


	5. Those with hidden wings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Dean's POV  
> TWs for swearing, homophobic language, some non-explicit sexual content, and references to self-harm and abuse  
> The chapter title is from the Stephen Dunn poem "Mon Semblable.", the full sentence being: "I look for those / with hidden wings, / and for scars / that those who once had wings / can’t hide."

Dinner with Lisa is… painful to say the least. Benny picks her up on their way to the restaurant and when they get out of the car there are at least 20 different photographers waiting outside.

“Want me to pull round back, chief?”, Benny asks and before Dean can say anything, Lisa jumps in.

“Absolutely not, right up front is perfect.”, she says and Benny raises his eyebrows at Dean, who nods resignedly.

When they get out, Lisa grabs his hand and there’s a storm of clicking cameras and flashes going off and people yelling their names.

“Lisa, look over here sweetheart!”

“Right here Dean!”

“How long have you two been dating?”

“Is it the real thing?”

“Why don’t you give her a kiss!”

Lisa smiles graciously at them and Dean plays his role by smiling and planting a soft kiss against her cheek. It’s all for Cas, he reminds himself. “We’ve been dating a few weeks now.”, he tells the journalists and there’s more clicking as Lisa wraps her arms around his neck and pulls him in for a kiss. Dean does his best not to pull away too quickly, but her lip gloss is unpleasantly sticky and all he can think about is how he’d rather have Cas’ rough stubble scraping against his skin. She finally lets go of him and they make it inside the restaurant, where they’re shown to a table in a private corner of the restaurant. The minute the waiter has taken their orders and left them alone, Dean drops all pretences.

“What the hell was that? I never agreed to any kissing!”, he hisses and Lisa rolls her eyes.

“Oh grow up Dean. If we’re pretending to be together, of course there’ll be kissing. Don’t worry, you can tell your little boyfriend that it’s fake, then his feelings won’t get hurt.”, she snipes and he clenches his jaw. Telling her that he isn’t actually dating Cas wouldn’t matter to her – she could still get Cas fired and maybe she’d even try to actually date him then.

“Fine, but I want warning next time and nothing further than handholding or chaste kissing, alright?”, he demands and she scowls, but nods. “After filming wraps up and we ‘break up’ I don’t want to have to see you again. We won’t work together and I’ll make sure that we aren’t on the press tour together.”, he continues.

Lisa sighs. “Alright, but I have to say you’re being very unreasonable about this whole thing. I can’t imagine you’d want the whole world knowing you’re… a gay and that you’re screwing your PA. In a way, I’m doing you a favour.”

“I’m not gay, I’m bisexual.”, he spits and she waves her hand dismissively as if it were irrelevant. Luckily for her the waiter arrives to bring their food.

They don’t speak during dinner. Dean doesn’t think he’s ever eaten steak so quickly, but he just wants the evening to be over. Lisa sips her wine delicately and eats her salad excruciatingly slowly. The minute the last leafy green disappears between her dark red lips, Dean signals the waiter and asks for the bill.

The waiter seems to sense that Dean wants to get out of there quickly, because he reappears after about 30 seconds with the cheque. Dean overtips and then rushes to the doors with Lisa hurriedly pulling her coat on and following him. Before he can leave, she entwines their fingers again. “For appearances.”, she says with a blinding smile, before stepping out in front of the cameras, dragging him along behind her.

Mercifully she doesn’t object to getting straight in the car and Benny doesn’t have to ask, he just drives straight to Lisa’s condo. She insists on taking a selfie with him before getting out and Dean thinks this is the biggest acting challenge he’s ever faced. He smiles as she squishes her face against his and the minute she’s satisfied with the picture, he asks her to leave. Her smile flickers for a moment and then she waves and says: “See you on Monday!”

Dean pulls the door shut behind her and sighs.

“Everything okay, chief?”, Benny asks from up front and Dean groans into his hands. “That bad, huh?”, his driver chuckles. “What happened to the other fella, Cas? You seemed pretty smitten.”

Dean groans again. “I’m not dating him.”

Benny snorts. “But you want to, right?”

“It’s not an option at the moment.”, Dean says and Benny stays silent for once.

Dean pulls his phone out and decides to text Cas.

**_Dean << My dinner was awful and finished early. Do you want to come over? I can send Benny to come and get you?_ **

He stares at his phone the whole way home, but Cas doesn’t respond. When he gets home he thanks Benny and tells him he probably won’t need him until Monday. His driver looks sceptical, but wishes him a good weekend. As he enters his house Cas still hasn’t answered and he feels like the smell of Lisa’s perfume is all over him, so he decides to go and shower.

Under the hot spray, he thinks about how he feels like he might finally be gaining some ground with Cas. The other man didn’t skip lunch, even though he was clearly uncomfortable with Lisa and did try to avoid breakfast, but he seemed more relaxed apart from that. He thinks about the warm weight of Cas slumped on his shoulder, when he fell asleep earlier and something warm unfurls in his chest. The warm feeling spreads further down when he remembers how Cas felt pressed against him, when they hugged, all hard lines and rough stubble against his neck.

But he shouldn’t be thinking that way about Cas. He doesn’t want to take advantage of him and the other man is… fragile. Except it’s a bit too late to tell his body that. He could switch the water from hot to cold, but that seems rather unfair. He pictures one of the models from the latest Sports Illustrated, busty and in an extremely small swimsuit as he slides his hand down his stomach and takes himself in hand. She had reddish hair and lovely brown eyes and he lets out a little moan as he thinks about her delicate fingers wrapping themselves around him. He moves his hand a little quicker as he nears release, but at the last second the hands in his mind go from soft and slender to bigger and calloused and her eyes go from brown to a startling blue as he comes with a gasp.

“Fuck.”, he swears, panting and trying to get the image of Cas’ blue eyes out of his head. He knows he’s attracted to Cas, but he also knows he can’t be with him. He feels guilty as he soaps himself down, but at the same time he can’t stop thinking about Cas. About how much he wants to protect him, to hold him and never let him go. How he wants to plant soft kisses along his strong jawline and angular nose. He shakes himself from his thoughts and gets out of the shower, towelling himself off carefully – he was half hard again just thinking about kissing the other man.

He gets dressed in sweatpants and a loose t-shirt and then checks his phone again – there’s still no answer from Cas. He settles down in front of the TV and obsessively checks his phone every five minutes until 11pm, when he decides that Cas isn’t going to answer and he might as well go to bed.

 

When he wakes up the next morning, the first thing he does is check his phone. There still isn’t a reply from Cas, so he decides to try again.

_**Dean << Hey Cas, guess you were already asleep when I texted you last night. I’m free all weekend, so you could still come over today or tomorrow, if you want? No pressure, if you’re busy though.** _

He hesitates for a second before sending the message. He isn’t sure if he’s coming off as too clingy, but at the same time he would really like to see Cas again outside of work. When Cas doesn’t reply within the next few minutes, he decides to have breakfast and call Sammy.

“Hey Sammy, how are you doing?”, he asks through a mouthful of toast, when his brother picks up the phone.

Sam makes a noise of disgust. “Gross Dean, I can hear you eating all the way from California.”

Dean snorts and swallows his bite. “Sorry. But really, how are you?”

“I’m good.”, Sam says happily. “Things are still going great with Jess. Although clearly not as well as they are for you.”

There’s a weird edge to his voice. Dean frowns. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about the pictures of you and Lisa Braeden that are all over her Instagram, not to mention the picture of you two kissing that’s on all the magazine covers!”, Sam says and he sounds slightly accusatory.

“Jesus, they’re on magazines already?”, he asks and Sam snorts in disdain.

“What do you mean already? According every single news outlet and gossip blog around you two have been going out for weeks. Why didn’t you tell me? And what about that PA that you liked? I thought you were going to ask him out? Were you already dating Lisa, when you told me about him?”

Dean sighs. “Slow down Sam. Lisa and I aren’t dating!”

Sam pauses. “You aren’t?”

“No. It’s fake. She’s using it to boost her profile.”, he says and Sam is quiet for a long time.

“What are you using it for?”, he asks.

Dean considers lying, saying he doesn’t want the pressure of an actual relationship, or that she’s his beard. But he has kept enough secrets from Sam in the past, he doesn’t want another one. Instead, he tells him everything. How he has slowly been getting closer to Cas, how the other man has been abused and suffers from panic attacks and clearly isn’t helping himself. About how Lisa saw them hugging and decided to blackmail him.

“But you and Cas aren’t dating!”, Sam says, sounding frustrated.

“It doesn’t matter. Even the allegation would be enough to get him fired and Cas seems adamant that he can’t lose his job.”, Dean says.

Sam sighs. “Obviously he doesn’t want to lose it. But the other thing, about her outing you… Please tell me that’s not the main reason for you doing this.”

Dean shakes his head, then realises that Sam can’t see him. “No of course not. I wouldn’t do it publically if I had the choice, but like you said last time: Dad is gone. I’m doing this for Cas.

Dean can tell Sam is smiling, when he speaks next. “I’m glad Dean – although I’m not glad that you’re now kind of dating her.”

“Yeah, I’m not either. Hey, you have a reading week soon, right?”

Sam laughs. “I love that you know that. Yeah, it’s this coming week.”

“How about I book you some flights and you and Jess can come and stay for a few days?”, he suggests and Sam jumps on it.

“Yeah that sounds amazing! This semester has been brutal, we could totally use a few days of R&R in Chicago.”, he says and Dean smiles.

“Great, just book the flights and use the card I gave you to pay for it. What about for Tuesday? You can stay till Saturday and then be back in Cali with enough time to settle in before heading back to classes.”

“Thank you so much Dean!”, Sam says. He pauses a minute and when he speaks again his voice is softer, but sincere. “You know I really appreciate all this. You paying for college and my apartment and now this. I’m really grateful and really proud of you.”

Dean sniffles a little, but he’s definitely not crying. “You’re welcome Sammy.”

“Listen Dean, Jess and I are about to head to the gym, so I have to go, sorry.”

Dean shakes his head a little at his health-conscious little brother. “Don’t worry about it Sammy, say hi to Jess from me.”

He can hear the smile in his little brother’s voice. “I will. And hey, keep me updated on the whole Cas thing. Are you seeing him this weekend?”

“Hopefully.”, Dean replies and he can’t stop the smile from spreading across his face.

“Jesus you’re sickening and you’ve only known him a week.”, his brother says cheekily and Dean rolls his eyes.

“Shut up, bitch.”

“Jerk.”, Sam says before hanging up.

Dean sighs and throws his phone on the table before remembering that he’s waiting on a reply from Cas. Sure enough, when he snatches it back off the table, there’s a message from the other man.

**Cas >> Hello Dean. My apologies for not replying to you last night. I would honestly love to hang out with you this weekend, but I seem to be a little ill and would hate to pass it on to you. – Cas**

Dean sighs, disappointed. He supposes illness can’t be helped, but he had really been looking forward to hanging out with Cas.

He taps out a reply, while he pours himself another coffee.

**_Dean << Aw no, I’m so sorry to hear that. Rest up this weekend and I hope you feel much better on Monday! x_ **

He adds the ‘x’ in a moment of madness and then spends the next minutes regretting it while Cas types.

**Cas >> Thank you Dean and again, I am very sorry that I cannot hang out with you this weekend.**

He’s a little disappointed until his phone pings with another message moments later.

**Cas >> :) x**

Dean smiles like an idiot and burns his tongue on his coffee.

 

He spends the rest of the weekend restlessly watching TV and worrying about Cas. By Sunday afternoon he’s so fidgety that he decides to for a run. Except when he has jogged a couple of yards down his street he suddenly finds himself surrounded by photographers.

“Dean! Where’s Lisa today?”

“Can you tell us more about your relationship with Ms. Braedon?”

“Where are you off to?”

Dean gives them a friendly wave and then pumps his legs faster to put as much distance between himself and the paparazzi as possible.

He does about three miles and then decides to turn around and go home. He doesn’t want to risk going past the photographers again, so he takes a slightly longer way home and comes up to his house from an alley that runs along the back of the garden. He’s thankful that he remembered the keys for the garden gate as he walks through it and lets himself in the back door.

After he showers, he tries to watch TV but finds his thoughts drifting, so instead he decides to go over his lines for tomorrow. He rereads his pages again and again until he’s satisfied he knows his lines and that the delivery is good too. When he’s done, he makes himself an omelette for dinner and then heads to bed with Cas still on his mind.

 

* * *

 

 

He is waiting for Benny to pick him up the next morning, when he gets another text from Cas.

**Cas >> Dean. I a verry sory but I wnt be abe to come to wk todayy. I a stil unwel. Sor – C**

Dean squints at the message for a good five minutes, before he manages to decipher it. It looks like Cas is so ill he can barely type and it worries him greatly. If Cas doesn’t remember to eat on a normal day, how good is he going to be at looking after himself, when he’s got a fever or something else?

Dean is quiet on the car journey to set – too busy worrying about Cas – and once there he messes up his scene so many times that Crowley threatens to kick him off set if he doesn’t get it right within the next three takes. He finally delivers his lines to Crowley’s satisfaction and is then told that he’ll not be needed for the rest of the day, or until he can “get his fucking head on straight”. He flat out ignores Lisa when she tries to talk to him and instead heads straight to the make-up trailer. He knows what he needs to do: get Cas’ address and go see if he’s okay.

He barges in and gestures for Meg to join him outside.

“Where’s Cas?”

“He’s sick.”, Meg says sharply.

“Yeah I know that. I need his address.”, he says urgently

She narrows her eyes at him suspiciously. “Why?”

Dean sighs. “Because I have the afternoon off and you don’t and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have anyone else willing to take care of him.”

Meg looks at him appraisingly for a very long time and then digs something shiny out of her jacket pocket. It’s a key. “Here. When I spoke to him this morning he sounded really sick, so I’m not sure he’ll be able to answer the door. He gave me a spare key for emergencies. You can have it, but I’m warning you Winchester, if you hurt him in any way I will make your life a living hell!”

He takes the key from her and raises his chin defensively. “I won’t, I promise.”

She looks at him like she did when he helped Cas after he fainted, with respect but also mistrust. “Good. He lives at N° 749, Lebanon Street. Apartment B, it’s on the ground floor.”

Dean nods at her and then rushes off to find Benny. His driver looks a little surprised as he reels off the address, but doesn’t say anything as they drive to Cas’ neighbourhood.

It’s not the worst neighbourhood in the city, but it’s still dodgy enough for Dean to be concerned about Cas living there. His apartment building is shabby and rundown looking, with bars on all the windows and weeds growing between the cracked concrete slabs leading to the front door. Said door’s lock seems to be broken so he walks right in. Apartment B is to the left of him and he takes a minute to calm himself before going any further.

Dean knocks on Cas’ door even as he lets himself in with Meg’s spare key.

The first thing he notices as he steps into the apartment is that it is tiny. The second is that it is freezing. “Cas?”, he calls. “It’s me, Dean. I just came to see if you were okay.”

“Bedroom.”, a tired voice croaks from deeper within the apartment.

Dean follows the sound of Cas’ voice past an open door that upon further inspection leads to a tiny bathroom and through the only other door leading off from the living room. Cas is lying under a small pile of blankets, his pale face shining with sweat even in the gloomy light filtering through the blinds.

“Hey buddy, how are you feeling?” Dean asks as he carefully sits on the edge of the bed.

Cas wiggles his flat hand above the blankets in a so-so gesture. “Not too bad.”, he says hoarsely and Dean frowns, grabbing his hand.

“Geez Cas, you’re freezing! Do you have the heat on?”

Dean is sure Cas would have flushed if he weren’t so ill. “Can’t afford it.”, he says miserably.

Dean thinks for a second then gets to his feet. “That’s it, you’re coming to stay with me.” Cas starts to shake his head, but Dean isn’t having it. “No protests, Cas. You’ll catch your death if you stay here.”

Cas looks too exhausted to argue so eventually he nods. He crawls out from under his mountain of blankets, shivering as he does and Dean is at least slightly pleased to see that he’s wearing thick socks and a wool jumper in addition to his pyjamas.

“Where’s your coat?”, he asks and Cas points shakily to the closet built into the wall. Dean opens it and pulls out a battered and definitely too thin jacket, but he doesn’t see anything else so it will have to do. Next, he helps Cas into the boots he finds by the front door and then grabs his phone off the nightstand. “Anything else you need?”, he asks and Cas looks around, before shaking his head.

Dean bundles Cas out of his front door, grateful that the man lives on the the ground floor. Benny is outside, leaning against the car but he quickly opens the back door when he sees them emerging. Cas can barely stand, let alone walk and Dean is basically carrying him by the time they get to the car. He helps Cas onto the backseat and then slides in after him.

“Benny?”, he calls as his driver starts the car and pulls away from Cas’ building. “Could you stop at the pharmacy on the way back to mine? Just run in and get everything for a cold and fever that they sell. Oh and turn up the heat please.”

He sees Benny nod up front. “Will do, boss.”

Cas is quiet and Dean sees his eyes drooping. He nudges him. “Hey buddy, you can sleep when we’re back at the house, but try and stay awake for now, okay?”

Cas nods sleepily and shivers. “M’cold.”

Dean fights the urge to wrap his arms around him. “I know buddy, was it that cold in your place all weekend?”, he asks and Cas nods. Dean sighs. “Why didn’t you say anything? You could have stayed at mine much earlier.”

“Didn’t want to be a burden… m’always a burden.”, Cas mumbles and this time Dean can’t stop himself from reaching out and wrapping an arm around Cas’ shoulders. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Benny raising the partition.

“You’re not a burden Cas, you never could be.”, he says quietly. Cas is still shivering and Dean rubs his arm, trying to warm him as best he can.

The car stops and Benny’s voice comes through the intercom system. “We’re at the pharmacy now boss. I’ll be as fast as I can.” Then he hears the driver door open and shut. When he looks down at Cas he sees he’s fallen asleep and Dean just doesn’t have the heart to wake him.

True to his word, Benny is back in under five minutes and he lowers the partition again to hand Dean a large paper bag.

“This is about as much as they’d sell me, but it should do the trick – although if I were you, I’d get him in a hot shower.”, the driver advises and Dean smiles gratefully.

“Thanks Benny.”, he says as the car is switched on again and they make their way to Dean’s house.

They’re within sight of Dean’s house, when Benny speaks again, tones hushed so as not to wake Cas. “Uh boss, the paps are still here.”

“Fuck!”, Dean swears, twisting to look out the window and seeing that there are in fact still about seven photographers waiting outside his house. “Go round the back please Benny, we’ll go in through the garden. Benny nods and reverses enough to turn into the side street leading to the alley behind Dean’s house. He parks as close to the garden gate as he can and Dean gently nudges Cas awake. The other man whimpers a little in protest, but eventually opens his eyes.

“Hey buddy, we’re here. Want to get out?”, he says quietly and Cas nods slowly. His eyes are glazed over and despite his skin being cold to the touch, there are beads of sweat along his hairline. Dean shuffles out first, then helps Cas out. The minute he’s out of the car and the cold air hits him, Cas’ knees buckle and Dean has to grab him under the arms to stop him from falling. He just about gets him to the gate, but then Cas goes limp in his arms, falling into a dead faint.

Dean swears and gestures for Benny to come over. “Here, take the keys and go ahead, opening and unlocking everything. I’ll carry him.”

“You sure?”, the driver asks and Dean nods, handing him his keys. Dean hoists Cas up into his arms and staggers after Benny, through the garden and into his house. He just about manages to reach the living room where he deposits Cas on the couch, pulling his shoes off for him.

He tells Benny he can leave and then goes to fetch a damp wash cloth. He gently wipes Cas’ face and calls his name softly. The other man’s eyes slowly blink open.

“Dean?”, he asks quizzically and Dean smiles.

“Yeah, buddy. You’re at my house, remember? Are you still cold?”, he asks and Cas nods.

“Okay, you need to get warmed up.  Shower, now!”, he orders and Cas nods, struggling to his feet. Dean isn’t convinced Cas will make it upstairs, so he guides him to the downstairs bathroom, which is basically a large shower room. He positions Cas on the tiled bench that’s built into the wall just outside the shower and sprints upstairs to get him a towel and fresh clothes. He picks some of his oldest, softest sweatpants, a band-shirt and a hoodie, adding underwear to the pile at the last minute and then runs back downstairs again. Cas is thankfully still conscious and upright against the wall, but he looks tired.

Dean leaves the pile of clothes and the towel on the bench next to Cas and then helps him to his feet. “Cas, you need to get in the shower. Can you undress yourself?”

Cas nods and starts to undo the buttons on his jacket with trembling fingers, but he can’t even get the first one open. Dean gently brushes his hands away and does it for him, helping him to shrug out of the jacket. When that's done he decides to just help him with the rest too. “Arms up.”, he directs and Cas does as he's told. Dean pulls the man’s jumper and pyjama shirt up over his head. Cas pushes his own trousers down, steadying himself against Dean as he steps out of them and then kicks his socks off. He looks uncertainly at his boxers and then makes a move towards the shower that leads to his legs giving way again and Dean having to catch him.

“I hate to say it Cas, but I don’t think you can do this alone.”, he says and Cas looks at him apprehensively.

“I’m just dizzy.”, he says quietly.

Dean sighs, taking off his own shirt. “I know buddy, but I don’t want you falling and splitting your head open. Leave your boxers on, I will too and you can put on dry ones after, okay?”

Cas nods and Dean kicks off his trousers and socks, trying not to be too self-conscious, before realising that this is the first time he has seen Cas – who is leaning against the shower door with his back to him – in anything but long sleeves - and it’s obvious why. There are cuts on both of his arms and there's a tattoo stretching up and down his back.

It starts with a couple of singed looking feathers tattooed on the backs of Cas’ legs and as Dean’s gaze travels upwards he can see that there’s a trail of them, leading from wings that are tattooed on his shoulders, the tops of his arms and back. They’re not feathered though. The wings are bare, skeletal, and painfully burned looking. When Dean looks closer, he can see thick, ropy scars underneath the ink. He lets out a slow breath at the thought of what sort of pain must have been inflicted to leave wounds like that.

“Sorry.”, Cas says quietly as Dean helps him into the shower, an arm wrapped around his waist. “I know it’s not nice to look at.”

Dean turns on the water and has to take a steadying breath. “Cas I know I’ve told you before that you don’t need to apologise, but when it comes to this you have no idea how much I mean it. Never apologise for this – for what was done to you.”

Cas shakes his head, his hair matting with the water. “I mean me… generally. I know I’m not nice to look at and most of that is my own doing.”

Dean sucks in a sharp breath. “Not the ones on your back though?”, he asks a little desperately and Cas shakes his head. “Was it him?”, Dean asks and he's not sure which answer he'd rather hear.

The way Cas stiffens is answer enough and even as he contemplates finding and killing De Ville, Dean pushes Cas a little further under the hot water. His skin still feels too cold against Dean’s and he tightens his grip on Cas’s waist. “You um… you are nice to look at by the way.”, he mutters quietly. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Not when we’re…”

“Basically naked? It’s okay.”, Cas says as Dean hands him shower gel. He carefully soaps himself up and Dean tries not to watch, very aware of how his wet underwear is clinging to him. They stand like that for a while, Dean's arm around Cas in the hot water, until Cas sags and leans heavily against him, the little energy he had seeming to leave him. “Sorry.”, he mutters and Dean sighs at his unnecessary apology.

“It’s okay, Cas.” He makes sure most of the suds are off Cas and then helps him back out of the shower. He lets go of him long enough to hand him a towel and then helps him shuffle over to the bench. “There’s clothes there for you, I’m just going to get my own, okay?”

Cas nods and Dean hurries up to his bedroom. He dries off and dresses in pyjama pants and a sweatshirt as quickly as he can, before going back down to Cas. The other man is just pulling the hoodie over his head, covering up the last of his bare skin.

“Right, medicine, food and then bed. Sound good?”, he asks as he helps Cas back to the sofa.

Cas offers him a small smile. “Yes thank you Dean. But you really don’t have to –“

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence, Cas!”, Dean says, interrupting him and Cas looks down at his feet. “I just mean that you don’t have to thank me. We’re friends, that’s what friends do.” Cas nods, although he looks a little doubtful.

Dean digs out some of the pills Benny got and hands them to Cas, then goes to get a glass of water from the kitchen. While he’s there, he empties a can of soup into a bowl and shoves it into the microwave.

He returns to the living room, handing Cas the glass of water and watches carefully as he swallows all of the medicine. “Food should be done soon. Tell me honestly though Cas, when was the last time you ate?”

Cas refuses to meet his gaze, when he says: “Saturday evening.”

Dean groans. “Jesus, Cas. That’s nearly 48 hours.” Cas looks guilty and upset enough as it is, his face still pale and his nose red, so Dean decides not to lecture him again.

Instead, he props Cas up with lots of cushions and an extremely fluffy blanket draped over him and then goes to get the soup. Cas looks a little uncomfortable at Dean keeping such a close eye in him, but Dean still insists on watching him until he finishes all of his food. By the time the bowl is empty, Cas’ eyes are drooping again.

Dean bought the townhouse for its size, but despite that, it only has two rather large bedrooms and as he helps Cas up the stairs it suddenly occurs to him that Sam and Jess are arriving tomorrow and will need somewhere to stay too. But there’s no way he’s letting Cas go back to his freezing apartment, so if needs be, Dean’ll just sleep on the couch. For now though, he settles Cas in his own bed - he'll take the guest bedroom tonight - and after making sure Cas has everything he needs, he heads downstairs to the living room. Then he texts Sam.

_**Dean << So Cas might be staying with me this week.** _

Sam texts back two minutes later.

** Sam >> OMG! Does that mean I’ll get to meet him?? **

_**Dean << Yeah. But be cool, he’s sick.** _

** Sam >> Aw no. Hope he feels better. But why is he staying with you? **

_**Dean << I’ll explain tomorrow.** _

** Sam >> Okay, see you tomorrow, bitch. **

_**Dean << Jerk.** _

When he eventually heads to bed he checks in on Cas one last time. The other man is fast asleep, burrowed under the thick quilt. For just a moment, Dean allows himself to think that he could used to the sight of Cas sleeping in his bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one day! I was very inspired and also I'm a sucker for sick!Cas caretaker!Dean, in case you couldn't tell! Also, be prepared because Sam arrives in the next chapter xx


	6. I'd die to not remember

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Cas' POV in the beginning, then switched to Dean's  
> TWs for panic attacks, swearing, mention of self harm, offensive language, mentions of abuse, touch starvation, mentions of rape  
> The chapter title is from the Carly Pearce song "Every Little Thing"

Cas wakes up disoriented and dying of thirst. He’s in an unfamiliar bedroom with a lot of expensive-looking wooden furniture and thick rugs on a gleaming hardwood-floor. He slowly pushes himself up in the bed that’s not his, taking in the thick, red and black duvet that seems impossibly soft in comparison to the scratchy sheets he’s used to. Glancing around, he sees a glass of water on the bedside table and he reaches for it with shaky hands, greedily swallowing the cool liquid. His throat stings and his nose is extremely congested. He struggles out of bed and finds he is dressed in clothes that are certainly not his. He isn’t sure what day it is, but he’s got a feeling that he’s been asleep for a while and he’s got the vague feeling that he showered, because his hair feels like it’s been washed and left to dry. He staggers across the room on unsure legs and opens the door, walking out into a bright hallway. He can hear voices – male voices – talking and a wave of fear and nausea washes over him. It doesn’t sound like Lucifer, but it could be some of his henchmen? He knows the security in his building is basically non-existent and that he’d been signed off sick from work – it would be all too easy for someone to come and take him back…

There’s a staircase at the end of the hallway and he cautiously makes his way down, mentally preparing himself for the possibility that he might have to fight his way out – but he won’t let himself be kept here, he won’t! Just as he quietly sets his foot on the bottom step, one of the voices suddenly gets louder and then there’s a ginormous man with shoulder-length brown hair standing in front of him – a new recruit?

“Um… hi.”, the strange man says and Cas blinks. None of Lucifer’s men ever said hi to him, but he doesn’t let himself relax yet – this could still all be a trick.

“Sammy, where the hell is my coffee?”, a vaguely familiar voice asks and then there are footsteps coming towards him. Cas tenses as the person comes around the corner.

“Cas! You’re up!”, Dean says, his green eyes shining and all of the tension oozes from Cas’ body. He slumps a little and Dean hurries forward to wrap a supportive arm around his shoulders. “Hey, how are you feeling?”

Cas isn’t quite sure what to say, he’s actually a little lightheaded with relief, but thankfully Dean seems to understand, because he steers him away from the stairs and into a room Cas recognises – Dean’s living-room, where they’d had pizza together.

“We’re at your house?”, he asks and Dean frowns a little as he plants Cas on the sofa, flopping down next to him.

He pulls a blanket off the back of the sofa, handing it to Cas. “Here, you look cold. Yeah, we came here yesterday afternoon. You don’t remember?”, Dean asks and Cas silently shakes his head. “I went to check on you yesterday when you didn’t come into work and your flat was freezing, so I took you here. You’ve had some medicine and food and um… a shower. You were relatively lucid for that and then I put you to bed. You’ve been asleep for about… Jesus, nearly twenty hours. You must be starving!”

Cas frowns and a hazy memory comes to his muddled mind, him in the shower… with Dean’s arm wrapped around his waist and the other man’s tawny hair darkening in the spray. “We showered together?”, he asks and Dean goes an interesting shade of red.

“We were wearing underwear!”, he sputters, just as the same enormously tall man from before enters.

The man wrinkles his nose in disgust. “Gross Dean, I didn’t need to hear that.”

Cas feels hot shame flood his stomach and he looks down at his hands. His fingers look thinner than usual – he’s not sure if that’s good or bad.

Dean flips the other man the bird. “Shut up, Sam. Cas, this is my little brother Sam – Sam, this is Cas.”

“I figured.”, Sam says and Cas gives him a terse nod, doing his best to smile.

“How’s Jess doing, still tired from your flight?”, Dean asks his brother as Cas tries to make himself as small as possible – he’s clearly intruding on family time and Dean has done more than enough for him already. He tries not to think about the fact that if Dean helped him shower, then the other man has seen him, has _seen_ his ugliness. How Dean could even touch him earlier is beyond him. He zones out a little, not bothering to pay attention to the brothers’ conversation, it’s none of his business anyway, but then Dean prods him gently. Gentle, why are all Dean’s touches always so gentle? _You like it rough, right Castiel? You were practically begging for it._

“Cas? I asked if you wanted some breakfast.”, Dean says and Cas feels even more guilt settle in his stomach – how much more can he ask Dean to give him?

He shakes his head. “Thank you, but I sh-should be getting home, you’ve been more than kind and done more than enough.”, he says and Sam raises his eyebrows, but Dean just shakes his head.

“Nope, we’ve been over this. You’re staying here till you’re better. You do so much for me every day, at least let me make you breakfast.”

Cas hacks a painful cough that leaves him breathless for a minute, then wheezes. “That’s my job Dean. This isn’t your job.”

The actor looks like he wants to argue, but then Sam butts in, throwing Cas a commiserating look. “Dude, don’t bother. I’ve spent my whole life trying to stop him from motherhenning.”

Dean glares at Sam and Cas shrinks away from him a little. Rationally he knows this is what sibling relationships should be like – that the way his brothers and sisters treated him was abnormal – but it’s still hard to understand that the anger isn’t real and especially that it isn’t directed at him. The brothers argue and Castiel tries not to let their voices remind him of others, much more aggressive ones who used words to hurt and whose ire was always directed at him – but it’s hard. Those voices stay with him even now and they’re always there.

 _God Castiel, why do you always have to ruin everything? Just don’t fuck up for once. You’re pathetic, useless. If you were stronger, we wouldn’t have to do this. Just man up and take it. Aw Jesus, don’t cry you pathetic little worm. Better than when he just stares like some kind of robot though._ He can’t escape them – shouldn’t escape them. He needs the reminders of just how little he’s worth, even if they make his chest ache and his skin itch. He loses himself in them, remembers how his skin would bloom with colourful bruises and how he’d slink off to find ice, their jeers ringing in his ears.

The voices have gone silent. Not his voices, the Winchester’s voices. Oh no, how long has he zoned out for? He blinks and sees that Sam is gone and Dean is kneeling in front of him, a very concerned look on his face and his hands holding both of Cas’. Cas frowns at him and a smile spreads across Dean’s face.

“Hey, there you are.”, Dean says, giving his hands a gentle, but firm squeeze.

“Where’s Sam?”, Cas asks, a little worried that he might have scared off the younger Winchester.

Dean offers him a reassuring smile. “He went out to get us breakfast. He decided my house doesn’t have anything healthy enough, so he’s getting us the good stuff and himself some rabbit food.” Cas nods and then looks down at their still intertwined hands questioningly. Dean seems to get it, for he says: “Ah yeah, you were um… scratching. I didn’t want you to open any of the scabs.”

Cas feels ice in his stomach as he remembers that Dean knows about his… wounds – has seen him naked even. He flushes with embarrassment, but then Dean is letting go of his hands to cup his jaw with a feather-light touch.

“I’m sorry.”, he breathes and Dean shakes his head.

“Don’t be sorry. I’m the one who’s sorry. Some of those looked new… I hope – I hope I didn’t cause any of them. But either way, I want to know what did.”

Cas wants to tell him everything, about his family, his marriage, he wants to let all of it out, but a selfish part of him wants to keep Dean’s friendship just a little longer – before he rejects him.

His breath catches in his chest as he tries to tell Dean that something so small – just having a conversation with _Him_ – set him off, sent him spiralling and that he was weak and he gave in to his self-destructive urges. He opens his mouth to tell him, but nothing comes out but a sob and then the tears are falling no matter how hard he tries to blink them away. He reaches up to wipe his face but his hands are shaking and then there are other hands on his face – warmer, steadier than his – Dean’s hands, and they’re wiping his tears for him. The touches are almost unbearably soft and careful, like Dean is treating him like fragile goods and he doesn’t think anyone has ever been so… _kind_ to him.

“S-sorry.”, he breathes and Dean shakes his head, still stroking Cas’ face.

“Shh. It’s okay. You’re okay. You never, ever need to apologise to me.”, Dean tells him, his green eyes earnest and sincere.

Cas shakes his head and tries to pull away. “I do. I need to. I’m sorry for being so – I’m so…” He needs Dean to know everything, but he isn’t sure he’s ready to lose him.

“You’re so what?”, he asks and he looks so whole, so good – can Cas really sully him? He’s not sure he can and Dean just puts a hand on nape of Cas’ neck and starts rubbing slow circles into his skin.

Cas takes a deep breath that’s more of a sob, if he’s being honest. “So broken.”, he manages to say and once he gets that word out, it’s like the rest just comes pouring out. “So dirty. I’m bad Dean, I’m a bad person. I know you’ve seen… seen my _ugliness_ and it’s my fault I’m like that. My fault and you’ve been so nice and I don’t deserve it. I don’t – you don’t understand that I don’t deserve it. I don’t. I don’t. I don’t. I d-“ He can’t say anymore because he’s overwhelmed by his sobs and he pulls away from Dean, burying his face in his knees so he doesn’t have to see Dean’s face as he rejects him. His chest feels like it’s on fire and he wants to scream, wants to rip off his own skin and get away from this dirty body that betrayed him on so many occasions and has broken down now after all it has been through. Not only has he let himself be ruined, but he’s dragging Dean down with him – the kindest, most talented man he has ever met and who deserves so much better than him. His hands are in his hair, tugging – not hard enough to rip any out, but enough to cause acute pain and he needs it, he does, needs it to keep him in the moment, because he can feel himself getting cold and he needs to know he’s alive.

But then Dean’s hands are around his wrists, pulling his hands away from his hair and he’s saying something, but Cas doesn’t know what. Suddenly he’s surrounded by warmth and he’s crying too hard to see exactly what has happened, but he knows Dean is holding him. He can feel gentle fingers – not his own, they’re too soft, Dean's then – running through his hair and Dean is saying something to him, he knows because he can feel the vibrations in the other man’s chest. He lets himself be held - like no one ever has since he was a child and his dad was still alive - and he sobs, soaking Dean’s t-shirt with his tears.

Eventually he calms enough to listen to what Dean is saying – except he’s not speaking, he’s singing an old song.

“Don’t carry the world upon your shoulders

For well you know that it’s a fool who plays it cool

By making his world a little colder

Hey Jude,

Don’t let me down…”

Dean stops when Cas sniffles and looks up at him. Cas realises that his legs are on Dean’s lap, and he has the other man’s arms wrapped around him. He knows he should move, but he doesn’t know if he can take this last comfort away from himself.

“Cas?”, Dean asks quietly. Cas doesn’t answer, but he can feel Dean sigh, tightening his arms almost reflexively, before he speaks again. “You are _not_ broken. You are _not_ dirty, or undeserving, or any other negative thing you just said. You’ve been hurt, but that isn’t your fault and you did nothing to deserve it.” Cas wants to shrink away from Dean’s sincere words and the openly honest look on his face, but the other man won’t let him. “I don’t know what happened to you Cas, but I don’t need to, to know that you couldn’t have been at fault.”

“You don’t know that! You – you don’t know everything!”, Cas protests, moving back a little and for the first time he sees a little frustration flash on Dean’s face.

“Then tell me, Cas. You know I don’t want you to tell me things that you aren’t ready to, but you need to at least help me understand a little.” His voice sounds almost pleading and guilt twists in Cas’ stomach.

“We were married. L-Lucifer and I.”, he says, the words tumbling out and he feels Dean take a sharp breath. “I was… it was – my family wanted me to.”

“You were forced?”, Dean asks, enraged and Cas flinches at his tone. “Sorry, I’m just… How old were you?”

Cas remembers his “wedding day”, he remembers how he thought he was in love, how he was stupid, how he thought it couldn’t get better than that. “We got married the day after my eighteenth birthday.” He feels Dean’s hands reflexively tighten on his waist and he tries not to remember other hands, bruising hands – to distract himself he keeps talking. “It was a business deal, for a studio merger. He was paying, but he wanted a guarantee. He wanted…”

Dean lets out a sound close to a whimper. “You?”, he asks and Cas nods. “But a studio merger – who is your family, Cas?”

Cas doesn’t like to think about his family, it’s why he shortened his name, why he doesn’t mention his surname. “My full name is Castiel Novak.”, he says and a sort of realisation dawns on Dean’s face.

He looks at Cas, his eyes wide. “Oh my God. Novak? Of the _Heavenly Studios_ Novaks? That’s why the merger with _Hellscape_ a few years ago fell through?”

It’s the same as what his family always told him _You ruined this deal, Castiel. It’s your fault. You worthless slut, couldn’t you have stuck it out a few more weeks. Who cares what he did, it’s all you’re good for anyway._

He nods and he can feel the tears starting to well up again with the self-loathing. “It was my fault, I ruined the merger. I just – I couldn’t take it anymore. He wa-wanted too much. I know I should’ve just –“

“Just what, Cas? I saw those scars and I’m glad that you left and I don’t give a fuck about that merger. What he did was – it was wrong and disgusting and you _did not deserve it!_ ”, Dean says fiercely, interrupting him, high spots of colour on his cheeks.

Cas shakes his head – the guilt is almost overwhelming him now, he spent so long suppressing any thoughts about the merger and now they’re all spinning around his head. “If I had held out a few months…”, he whispers.

Dean lets out a little noise of despair and suddenly Cas is being crushed to his chest in a desperate embrace. “No Cas. From what I’ve seen he could have – fuck, he could have killed you. The world doesn’t need some stupid fucking merger, it needs you – _I_ need you.”

Cas has never been told that anyone needs him. His family only cared about him during the merger and once that fell through they turned their backs on him. And now this… this beautiful man who is so ridiculously far out of his league is saying he needs him. _Yeah, he needs you to bring him coffee. More like, he needs you to spread your legs._ For once he ignores the voices and asks: “You do?”

The other man seems to relax when Cas asks his question, but he doesn’t let go of him. “Yeah Cas, I do. And I don’t mean that I need you to be my PA and go and get me things… I mean that – and I know that we really haven’t known each other that long, but… you’re pretty damn special, Cas.” Cas makes to protest, but Dean speaks before he can. “Maybe you can’t see it now. But you are.”

Cas doesn’t know what to say – he can’t see how what Dean is saying is true, but he knows that the other man won’t let him disagree and to be honest, he’s just tired. His head is pounding from the dehydration caused by his crying and he feels so drained. He knows his cold is still lurking behind all that too and Dean is so very, very warm – just radiating heat – and Cas is basically still on his lap and eventually he gives up trying to say or do anything. He feels safe and that’s not something he’s been able to say for years, so when he feels his head drooping against Dean’s collarbone and the other man just holding him fast, he doesn’t move or squirm, he just closes his eyes and breathes in the way Dean smells like leather and expensive cologne.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean isn’t all too sure how it happens, one minute he’s confessing to Cas how special he thinks he is and the next, Cas is fast asleep with his head wedged under Dean’s chin. As Cas takes laboured breaths – clearly his cold is still affecting him and frankly Dean’s surprised he felt well enough to even have this whole conversation – Dean tries to sort through all the new information he’s learned in a relatively short space of time.

The first and most important thing he has learned is that Cas is clearly doing a lot worse than he thought. But now he knows why. The cutting, the scars, the self-esteem issues, the not eating, the panic attacks – even the touch starvation he clearly has if the way Cas is clinging to him is anything to go by - are all because of his fucked-up family basically selling him to a man who abused him for who knows how long, when he was devastatingly young. But now Dean has all this information, he isn’t sure what to do. He needs to help Cas, that much is for sure, but how? He’s only got today off, because he phoned Crowley and said he had family issues and the director agreed to rearrange the filming schedule as long as Dean takes a pay-cut. But tomorrow he’ll have to go back on set – and then what? He goes back to pretending to date Lisa, taking disgustingly romantic Instagram pictures and tries to pretend that he doesn’t know what Lucifer has done to Cas? And what does he do about Cas? He’s still sick, so he might be able to persuade him to stay at Dean’s house for now, but what about after that?

Cas shifts in his sleep and lets out a little whimper that even to Dean’s non-medically-trained ears sounds congested. Dean looks down at his dark head and decides he’ll talk to his brother, Sam knows what it’s like to struggle with your emotions – although nowhere near to the same degree as Cas. A few minutes later, he hears his brother let himself in through the front door and head to the kitchen, so Dean very carefully manoeuvres Cas into lying on the sofa and manages not to wake him.

Then he joins his brother, who is currently plating the food he picked up from the diner.

“Hey, where’s Cas?”, Sam asks, looking up as Dean enters the kitchen.

Dean sits at the breakfast bar and buries his face in his arms. “He’s sleeping on the sofa.”, he mumbles and he can hear Sam coming to sit next to him.

“Jesus, what happened to you?”, his brother asks, nudging him with his elbow until Dean looks up again.

He sighs and scrubs a hand across his face, as Sam looks on a little worriedly. “You know how I said Cas was very um… nervous? And then I told you how Jo said something bad happened to him?”, he asks and Sam nods, gesturing for him to continue. “Well… she was right and Cas isn’t just nervous. He’s – fuck Sam – he’s been fucking wrecked. I’m not a psychiatrist, but he’s definitely depressed, he seems to have no interest in taking care of himself, he’s had more panic attacks in my presence, than conversations with me and he just told me that it’s all because…” He trails off, partly because it isn’t his secret to tell, but also because he isn’t sure he can.

Sam is looking genuinely concerned now. “Because of what, Dean?”

“He was abused.”, Dean says through gritted teeth. “By his ex and God, I think it fucking destroyed him.”

Sam shakes his head. “It didn’t. Victims are never completely destroyed by their experiences, they're stronger than that, but they are still hurt. From what you’ve told me, it is very likely that Cas is depressed and has some form of PTSD from what he’s been through, but he can get help for that.”

Dean can feel tears pressing at his eyes. “What if he doesn’t want help, Sam? He still thinks it’s all his fault – god, the things he said about himself – how do you convince someone who doesn’t even think they have the right to exist in this world, that they deserve to be whole and that they deserve to be helped?”, he asks desperately, trying not to think about the expression of absolute conviction on Cas’ face as he told Dean how little he thinks he is worth, how undeserving he thinks he is.

Sam looks at him a little sadly. “All we can do is love them.”

“I’ve only known him a few weeks.”, Dean says. He doesn’t love Cas – you can’t fall in love that fast, can you?

His brother has a pitying look on his face. “Time is of no consequence in that kind of thing Dean – even if you’re not in love with him, you care. That’s all he needs. He needs someone to _care_ and to – to drag him out of his own personal hell. Can you be that person? Because if you can’t, you need to get out now, or risk hurting him further.”

This time Dean is the one who feels a little pitying. He huffs a sardonic laugh. “I think it’s a bit late for that, don’t you? I couldn’t get out, even if I wanted to.” Sam gives him a commiserating smile. “So what now?”

Sam frowns, then says: “Let me talk to Jess. Her dad was a therapist at a VA in Palo Alto – he might be able to recommend a therapist who deals with trauma or abuse victims here in Chicago. When Cas is better, you can try and convince him to go.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea.”, he says and then feels his phone vibrating in his pocket. He digs it out and then groans when he sees who the text is from and what it says.

_ Lisa >> I heard your brother is in town. We should all go out to dinner together. Tonight, 8pm at Oktober’s? xx _

**Dean << How did you hear that? And no, I’m not dragging my brother into this.**

_ Lisa >> You have paps outside your door, his picture is in the online magazines already. _

_ Lisa >> And need I remind you, that you don’t get a say in this? I gave you the weekend off to play with your little PA. Dinner. Tonight. With your brother. _

Dean groans again, thumping his head against the marble counter top. He texts back a “fine” and then looks up at Sam. “We have to go to dinner with Lisa tonight.”

Sam rolls his eyes. “How do I always get involved in your bullshit?”

Dean glares and flips his brother off. “Shut up, bitch, you know you love it.”

“Jerk.”, Sam fires back.

They laugh and Dean smiles at his brother. “I’m really glad you’re here Sammy.”, he says and his brother offers him a sincere smile in return.

“Me too, Dean.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I am so, so, so, so sorry that it's taken me so long to update. I've just had my first two weeks back at uni and on top of that I didn't have wifi, so it was very hard for me to update (yeah, I know I uploaded another fic, but I went to starbucks to do that). But from now on, I've got a handle on my life and hopefully I'll be able to update regularly again.  
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, it offered a bit more insight into Cas' past life and I promise you will get a more detailed explanation of everything that happened in the past. Also Jess will actually be in the next chapter so hooray for that!


	7. Not being empty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Cas' POV  
> TWs for panic attacks, swearing, mention of self harm, mentions of abuse,  
> The chapter title is from the quote: "It was not the feeling of completeness I so needed, but the feeling of not being empty." from Jonathan Safran Foer's "Everything is Illuminated"

Cas wakes up to loud banging on a door. He bolts upright, his head fuzzy and his eyes still unfocussed as his heart begins to race.

“Hey, it’s okay.” Someone says from beside him and he sees Dean getting up from an armchair adjacent to the sofa he’d fallen asleep on. “I’ll go see who it is.”

Dean leaves the living room and Cas lets himself relax back into the sofa cushions. He’s okay, he’s safe, he told Dean a little about his past and he didn’t seem angry, didn’t kick Cas out. His relaxed state of mind vanishes as he hears raised voices and angry footsteps storming towards him. He cowers as the living room door is flung open and covers his face with his hands.

He feels someone sit down next to him and then there’s a hand on his knee – gentle, that means Dean. “Cas, Meg is here to see you.”, the actor says quietly and Cas peeks out from behind his fingers to see that Meg is in fact standing in front of him, wearing ridiculously intimidating boots and a fear-inspiring expression.

“Clarence, good of you to let me know you’re alive.”, she says acerbically and Cas looks down at his hands. He knows this is her way of showing that she cares, but after the conversation with Dean this morning he feels like he’s been worked over with sandpaper and Meg’s presence is… chafing.

“Sorry.”, he mutters and Dean gives his knee a comforting squeeze as Meg plonks herself into the armchair Dean had previously occupied, dragging it forward a little to be able to see him better.

“Don’t apologise.”, both Meg and Dean say at the same time and Cas almost smiles as he sees one of Meg’s eyebrows quirk up in an expression which he knows means that she’s mildly impressed. The expression vanishes as she looks down and sees Dean’s hand on Cas’ knee.

“Winchester, I’d like to speak to Castiel in private.”, she demands and Dean looks at Cas for his confirmation, before nodding.

“I’ll go get you some food, Cas.”, he says, before retreating to the kitchen.

Meg watches him go before rounding on Cas. “Quite the little house-husband you’ve got there.”, she says pointedly and Cas looks down at his hands again to avoid having to meet her eye.

“It’s not like that.”, he says quietly and he hears her shuffle her feet as she drags the armchair even closer to him.

“It better not be, Clarence. I’ve had to literally peel you bleeding, off the floor once. I don’t think I can do it again.”, her voice wavers a little on the last words and Cas looks up to see an unusually earnest expression on her face. “I’m glad you finally trust someone apart from me, but I need to know that you’re sure he won’t hurt you. And you need to make him aware of the fact that if he even looks at you without your consent, I will make his life a living hell – I don’t care whether he understands that or not.”

Cas nods. “He um… he does understand. I t-told him.”

Meg looks shocked. “You told him everything?”

“The basics. That I was married, that it wasn’t g- that it was awful.”, he says and Meg sinks back into her chair.

“Jesus Clarence, this guy really must be special, huh?”, she asks and then rolls her eyes at the smile spreading on his face. “God, you’re head over heels already.”

Cas shrugs off her teasing tone, glancing down at his hands. “I just… I feel safe with him.”

When he looks up again, Meg has a soft smile on her face, which she quickly wipes off. “I’m happy for you Clarence, I really am. But be careful, okay?”

He nods gratefully and a moment later, Dean is walking back into the living room with a veritable mountain of bacon, eggs, and hash browns piled on a tray with a steaming cup of tea and what looks like half a pharmacy.

“Well at least the service here is good.”, Meg drawls and Cas’ stomach growls loudly at the sight of food. He feels like he hasn’t eaten in days and this time it isn’t intentional.

Dean flashes him a grin as he positions the tray on Cas’ knees. Cas grabs the fork that’s lying on the plate, but Dean pushes his hand down. “Meds first, then food.”, he orders and Meg snorts.

“Who died and made you his doctor, Winchester?”, she asks and Dean throws her a filthy look as he starts shaking pills out of their packets and into his hand. When he has about ten different pills in his palm, he hands Cas a glass of water that had been sitting on the coffee table and watches as he takes the assortment of medicines. When Cas has finally swallowed all the tablets, Dean hands him his fork again.

“Dig in.”, the actor says and Cas does. Meg starts another conversation with Dean that seems to consist mainly of insults being thrown back and forth, as Cas wolfs down two thirds of the mountain of breakfast food and his entire mug of tea.

“Damn Clarence.”, Meg says, when Cas carefully moves the tray from his lap to the coffee table.

Dean offers him a soft smile that counters Meg’s sarcasm. “Sam went to the good diner a few blocks away, I just reheated it.”, he says and Cas does his best to return the smile. His chest aches, but he doesn’t think it’s just because of his cold.

“Thank you.”, he murmurs and Dean reaches out to give his hand a gentle squeeze.

“Any time, Cas.”, he says and his green eyes look so warm and compassionate in a way that Cas thinks he’s never seen on another person, that he loses himself in them for a moment. That moment is broken when Meg clears her throat loudly.

Cas looks over at her, his hand still in Dean’s and she smirks. “Well, that’s my cue to leave.”

She gets to her feet, but surprisingly Dean asks her to wait a moment. “I have an um, business dinner to go to this evening – one that Sam and Jess have to go to as well. If you want you could come over here and stay with Cas – you guys can order in and watch movies.”, he says and Meg’s mouth actually twitches in an approximation of a genuine smile.

“Sure, why not.”

Cas frowns at the two of them. “I don’t need to be babysat.”, he says as fiercely as he can with a stuffy nose.

Meg just rolls her eyes at him, but Dean’s face falls and he looks genuinely concerned. “Of course you don’t.”, the actor says worriedly, his fingers almost reflexively moving to skim Cas’ jaw. “I just want someone here in case your fever spikes again. You were pretty out of it yesterday Cas, I just – I want – I don’t want you to get even more ill with no one here to help you.”

Cas nods, feeling the careful pressure of Dean’s fingertips as he ever so slightly leans into the other man’s touch.

“Okay.”, he says and Dean smiles that warm smile again.

“Yeah?”, the actor asks.

Cas nods. “Yeah.”

There’s a loud retching sound from the doorway as Meg fake gags. “I’ll be back at six.”, she calls over her shoulder, stomping out of the room. Cas blanches at the sound of the front door slamming, but he’s used to such noises from Meg and Dean is still holding his hand, which is nice in a way Cas hasn’t thought anything was nice since he was seventeen.

“So what kind of dinner are you going to this evening?”, Cas asks, there’s a small pit opening in his chest at the thought that Dean might have to dine with Lucifer.

Dean sighs as he strokes a thumb over Cas’ knuckles. “It’s with Lisa.” The pit opens to a gaping maw, at the mention of the actress’ name. Of course, Dean would want to spend time with his girlfriend, would want to introduce her to his family instead of sitting at home with some coughing PA. He carefully pulls his hand away from Dean’s – he doesn’t really want to let go and he certainly doesn’t want to offend the actor, but he shouldn’t be holding hands with someone else’s boyfriend. He feels jealousy twist in his gut and along with it a little flutter of something he hadn’t felt in years – feelings for another person.

Dean frowns a little and asks if he wants to watch some TV until Sam and Jess get back from their trip to the gym. Cas just nods silently, he doesn’t know if he can speak without Dean realising what an idiot he’s being. Why would the other man holding hands with him – or even showering with him matter? Dean is just an exceptionally kind person – the kindest Cas has ever met – who feels sorry for him, that’s all. But of course, like an idiot, Cas has to go and develop... feelings for him.

Dean flicks on the TV and settles back into the sofa, throwing Cas worried looks that only disappear when he too, leans back. Only Cas didn’t realise that Dean’s arm was thrown along the back of the sofa behind him, so when he sinks back into the sofa cushions, Dean’s arm automatically curls around him, his hand resting comfortably on Cas’ shoulder. For a moment, Cas considers shrugging it off, but then he decides that Dean would know if he were doing something that Lisa would be uncomfortable with. Quite selfishly, he thinks that maybe he is allowed to have this, it’s just a friendly arm around his shoulders after all.

So he lets himself be submerged in Dean’s warmth, his scent, and his sarcastic commentary on the film they’re watching until he’s almost forgotten about Lisa and the little flutter in his chest has grown, it’s developed proper wings that feel like they're beating in tandem with Dean's heart.

He finds himself drifting in and out of sleep, but every time he wakes up again, Dean’s arm is still around him. He startles awake when he hears people coming in through the front door. Dean seems to sense his unease – Cas knows it’s because his whole body has gone stiff – and moves the hand that has been on his shoulder to carefully cup the back of his neck. Dean moves his thumb in slow circles on the base of Cas’ neck and he feels himself relax ever so slightly.

The voices come towards the living room and then Sam is standing there with a blonde woman that Cas hasn’t yet met, both of them holding large paper bags.

“Hey Cas, how are you feeling?”, Sam asks with a friendly grin.

Cas feels himself blush, knowing that the last time Sam saw him he was zoned out and most likely aiming to hurt himself. “I’m fine, thank you.”, he says without looking up from his lap.

“How was the gym?”, Dean asks his brother, not moving his hand from the back of Cas’ neck.

“It was fun! I beat Sam on the treadmill.”, the woman’s voice says.

Dean laughs and they’re sitting so close that Cas can feel the vibrations in his own body. “That’s my girl. Oh by the way, this is Cas. Cas, this is Jess – Sam’s girlfriend.”

“Jessica Moore, it’s very nice to meet you!”, the blonde says and when Cas looks up, he sees that she has her arm extended, waiting for him to take it. Cas carefully shakes her hand and she smiles. “Sam was telling me you managed to catch an awful cold, I have a really good smoothie recipe that will really boost your immune system if you’d like one for breakfast, tomorrow?”

Cas smiles in gratitude and Dean snorts beside him. “I doubt you’ll find anything in this house to make your gross smoothie with.”, he say and Cas thinks it’s odd how proud Dean seems of that fact.

Jess grins a little devilishly and nods at the paper bags she and Sam are holding. “Ha, that’s what you think. We went shopping on our way home and tomorrow while you’re at work, I’m going to throw out all your junk food.”

Dean whines, sounding a little like an upset puppy and Jess just laughs, before heading to the kitchen, bags of food in her hands. Sam follows her and then reappears moments later, empty handed and flops into one of the armchairs.

“So, what do I need to know about this dinner tonight?”, he asks and Cas tries to ignore the ache in his chest at the mention of the cosy evening Dean will be having with Lisa. Dean makes a weird noise, but Sam just continues to talk. “I mean yeah, I’ll be civil, but to be honest I don’t like her.”

“Sam!”, Dean says in what seems like a warning tone.

Sam ignores him. “No Dean, I don’t like her and I won’t pretend to. She’s blackmailing you into fake-dating her and that’s not right!”

“What?”, Cas hears himself ask loudly.

Sam’s jaw drops a little and all the colour suddenly drains from his face. “Shit!”, he says as Cas pulls away from Dean, shuffling into the corner of the sofa.

Dean looks appalled and mortified simultaneously and the hand he’d had on Cas’ neck is dangling limply from the back of the sofa. “She’s blackmailing you? Why? With What?”, Cas asks, horrified. Dean is in a relationship against his will and hadn’t told him – when he should know that Cas of all people would understand!

Dean makes an abortive gesture with his hand as if he wanted to touch Cas, before thinking  better of it. “I’m sorry.”, he whispers and Cas shakes his head. He can feel his heartrate picking up – is that why Dean understands him so well? Because Lisa is doing the same thing that Lucifer did to him?

“Don’t be sorry, if you don’t want to be with her – it’s still wrong if it’s a woman! Y-you can get help, you know. I was weak, but you can still get out!”, he says and Dean pales.

This time when Dean reaches out, he does touch him, cupping Cas’ face with both of his hands. “No Cas, that’s not. It’s not like that. She has um – a picture that I’d prefer no one else seeing and we’re faking a relationship for the tabloids. That’s it. She isn’t hurting me or, or doing anything like that. I promise. It isn’t anything like what happened to you.”

Cas nods, trying to slow his breathing. “I’m so sorry, I thought you knew.”, Sam babbles from the other side of the room, but Cas can’t look at him – all he can focus on is Dean.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”, he asks when his chest has loosened a bit.

Dean’s jaw clenches a little as he seems to try to get the right words together. “She has a picture of you and I – it was from that time we had pizza – we’re just hugging, but it could be misconstrued.”

Cas nods. He understands why Dean wouldn’t want something like that getting out. “I understand. You don’t want people thinking you are sleeping with a PA.”

Dean shakes his head, both of his thumbs stroking along Cas’ cheekbones. “No. I mean, I don’t but not because of you or your job – not even cause I don’t want to be outed. It’s because…”, he can’t seem to finish the sentence.

Sam has no such qualms. “It’s because Lisa was threatening to show it your bosses to get you fired.”

Cas stiffens. Dean did this to protect him? “You shouldn’t have.”, he says quietly and Dean sighs.

“Yeah I know, trust me I don’t want to be in this situation either, but I wasn’t going to let her get you fired.”

Cas shakes his head. Dean doesn’t understand. “No, I mean that you should have let me fired. I’m not worth this Dean – you shouldn’t have to be with this woman if you don’t want to be.” He gently pushes Dean’s hands away from his face, curling in on himself and pressing his face to his knees.

He hears some hushed voices and then Sam leaves the room – his footsteps are easy to identify – but Dean seems to still be there. “Cas, I told you I’d help you – how would getting you fired be sticking to that promise?”, Dean says quietly.

Cas looks up and sees that the actor looks on the verge of tears. “I just…”, Cas starts and Dean slides closer to him.

“Just what, Cas?”, he asks and his eyes look so very, very green when there are tears sparkling in them.

Cas takes a breath. “I just don’t understand why you’re doing this. I know what you think, but I’m not worth it – any of this.”

“You are though, that’s why I do it. You’re worth… everything Cas.”, Dean murmurs.

“Why?”, Cas asks and the look on Dean’s face makes his heart crack a little - it's so desperately, sincerely tender.

The other man looks a little lost for words, but he doesn’t look away from Cas. Eventually Dean says: “Because I really, really like you. I know it’s too early for words like love yet – hell it’s probably too early to date – but you’re so very important to me Cas. I can’t explain it, and I know it’ll be hard for you to accept, but it’s true.”

Cas feels stunned. What Dean just said can’t possibly be true – and yet… he looked so very earnest when he spoke. He can’t imagine he’s lying, but at the same time this man has only known Cas a couple of weeks, he can’t begin to understand the amount of damaged he is.

“I don’t understand.”, he breathes.

Dean smiles, that soft, painfully gentle smile. “It’s okay. You don’t have to understand it. As long as you know that it’s true for me. Just know that I care about you and that I won’t ever hurt you, okay?”

Cas nods slowly. “Okay.”

“Can I – can I hug you?”, Dean asks and although Cas nods, he doesn’t move until Cas audibly assents. He wraps his strong arms around Cas, burying his face in the crook of his neck in such a trusting fashion that Cas audibly gasps – because he doesn’t even trust himself, so how can Dean? Cas returns the embrace and they sit, intertwined for a few peaceful moments. “I’m sorry I lied to you.”, Dean says and although Cas didn’t like it, he does understand.

“It’s okay.”, he murmurs against Dean’s hair. He likes being the one to hold the other man – for once he isn’t the weak one needing comfort. When Dean eventually pulls away, he does so slowly. For a brief moment, their faces are only millimetres apart and in that brief moment Cas forgets himself and presses the lightest of kisses to the corner of Dean’s mouth. It’s the first time he’s kissed anyone in years and the fact that it isn’t immediately followed by tearing fabric and searing pain surprises him somewhat, but Dean just smiles, strokes the back of Cas’ neck with one hand and pulls away. It isn’t a rejection; the way Dean slowly raises a hand to his own mouth proves that.

“Sorry.”, he says quietly and Dean gives him a soft look that spreads warmth in his stomach.

“It’s okay, just… not yet. Alright?”, the actor asks and Cas nods. Dean is right, Cas is nowhere near ready for any kind of relationship – but the possibility is there. Lucifer had taken away any kind of future from him – even Meg had only been able to push him into the present, and his hold on that was tenuous. But Dean. Dean gives him a glimpse at a future he had never even hoped to imagine.

“What are you going to do about Lisa?”, Cas asks as Dean takes his hand again. He likes it, he can deal with hand-holding, he doesn’t have any negative associations with the action – it isn’t something Lucifer ever did.

Dean looks at him seriously. “What do you want me to do? I don’t care about being outed, I care about you getting hurt.”

Cas looks down at his lap. “I don’t want you to be with Lisa if you don’t want to be.”, he says and Dean nods in understanding as Cas continues. “But… Luc-Lucifer said…. When I saw him on set, he said that if I didn’t have a job, I’d end up on the streets, that he’d come for me then.”

Dean squeezes his fingers with his hand and then uses the free one to nudge Cas’ chin until he’s looking at him. Even that small action is so different – Lucifer’s hands were always rough, inflicting pain wherever possible – he would wrench Cas’ head up by his hair, when he wanted him to look at him. “Cas.”, Dean says sincerely. “You know we’d never let that happen – no one would. Not me, or Meg – not even Sam or Jess, and they’ve only just met you.”

“You don’t know him. He’s powerful. He’s got connections everywhere.”, Cas says tremulously.

“Yeah? Well so do I.”, Dean says determinedly. “If I broke up with Lisa this evening and she went through with making you lose your job, all that would happen is that you’d stay here instead of your cold flat – which you’re already doing – and we’d help you get another job.”

Cas shakes his head. “It’s not that simple. He blacklisted me – the only reason I got his job is because Meg helped me. Nowhere else would take me – not even the temp agencies, he got to everyone in this town and I don’t want to leave, not again!”

Dean squeezes his hand again. “Trust me when I say that he hasn’t gotten to everybody in Chicago. I can get you a new job, Cas.”

“I don’t know…”, Cas says uncertainly.

“You don’t have to decide today.”, Dean reassures him. “So until then, I’ll keep up this… ruse with Lisa to protect your job and the minute you decide you want out, I’ll fake-dump her. But either way, I will never, ever let you go back to Him, alright?” Cas nods and Dean smiles. “Good, now how about you pick a film this time and I’ll go get us some tea - it should help with your throat.”

He hands Cas the remote and the minute he leaves the room, Sam enters looking endearingly apologetic.

“Cas, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know that Dean hadn’t told you about the whole Lisa thing – I hope I didn’t mess up anything between you two – um, I mean… um. I just hope you two are okay. He really likes you.”, Sam says, flushing at his last admission as he takes a seat in the armchair he had only recently vacated.

Cas offers him the first genuine smile the younger Winchester has caused. “It’s okay Sam, Dean and I are… alright.”

Sam grins. “Great! I hear you’ll be staying with Dean while Jess and I are here. He has to work tomorrow, but maybe you can hang out with us, if you’re not well enough to go back either?”

“Sam, leave the poor man alone – can’t you see how tired he looks?”, Jess chastises, entering the room with Dean, each of them holding two steaming mugs.

Sam looks a little put out, but brightens up when Jess puts her mugs down on the coffee table and flops onto his lap, planting a little kiss on his cheek.

“Ew.”, Dean says, pointedly rolling his eyes as he rejoins Cas on the sofa. Sam flips him off, but Dean ignores him, turning to Cas instead. “So, what have you decided on?”

Cas hadn’t actually had the chance to look at what was on, so he flicks through a few channels until he settles on a rerun of Brooklyn Nine-Nine. “Nice, I love this show.”, Dean says and Cas smiles at the praise. He puts the remote on the table and Dean tugs on his arm a little, encouraging him to lean back, sliding into the space between Dean’s side and his arm.

“Hey, didn’t you meet Stephanie Beatriz at the Emmy’s?”, Jess asks and Cas feels Dean nod.

“Yeah, she was pretty rad.”, he says and Cas can’t help but smile at how right watching TV with Dean and his family feels.

He starts to nod off halfway through the second episode, his body still trying to fight off the cold that put him in this house in the first place – and with Dean rhythmically stroking his hair, how could he possibly stay awake?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I said I'd update 3 times a week, lol? Yeah, once again I have to apologise for the lack of and the late update - I've been absolutely swamped with uni work, but I've got a lot more of this fit planned out, so hopefully the gap between updates won't be so long next time!  
> Stay tuned for more Meg, more Sam and Jess, and... Gabriel???? Yes. I love him and he will be turning up within the next few chapters.  
> As always thank you for reading and I love every one of your Kudos and Comments xx


	8. Than not with you at all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Dean's POV  
> TWs for panic attacks, swearing, offensive language, mentions of abuse, coming out, homophobia  
> Chapter title from the quote "I don’t want to be broken, but I’d rather be broken with you, than not with you at all." by @theforestsecrets on tumblr

Leaving Cas to go to dinner with Lisa is hard. The other man fell asleep on him while they were watching _Brooklyn Nine-Nine_ and Jess and Sam had teased Dean awfully. Cas didn’t wake up until Meg arrived, all stomping boots and sarcasm, and Dean had a hard time leaving Cas’ presence long enough to shower and change.

Before they leave, he insists on making sure Cas has enough blankets and has taken his medicine – in fact, he dithers for such a long time that Benny honks three times and Meg threatens to kick his ass in his own house before he can be convinced to leave.

Flashes from the ever present paparazzi and their cameras go off as they leave the house and Dean does his best to give them friendly smiles.

Lisa is already in the car, when Dean, Sam, and Jess get in and she smiles winningly at them all. “Sweetheart, why don’t you introduce me to your brother?”, she says, leaning forward to give Dean a kiss on the cheek. He pulls away, managing to avoid her touching him.

“You can drop the pretence Lisa, they know this is fake.”, he says and she glares at him.

“What?”, she hisses. “That wasn’t the deal.”

Dean glares right back at her, as Sam squirms uncomfortably in the seat beside him. “What, you expected me to lie to my own family?”

Her expression darkens. “They would never have had to know! I don’t understand why this is so difficult for you – maybe you are just as dumb as all the producers said – but let me reiterate it for you again: You are to play the perfect boyfriend in front of the cameras or –“

“Or what?” Dean aggressively cuts her off.

She frowns. “Wow, forgetful as well as dumb. If you don’t do this I will out you to the entire world – see how many action movie deals you get then.”

Dean flashes her a cold grin. “Go right ahead darlin’. I’ve been waiting for a chance to finally get out of the closet – now seems as good a time as any.”

She looks a little lost for words, her cheeks flushed with anger. Then a thought visibly crosses her mind. “The PA – Casteel or whatever his name was. I’ll get him fired.”

Dean growls and she shrinks back a little. “Why, Lisa? Are you so desperate to boost your image that you’ll ruin an innocent man’s life?”

She actually laughs – it’s high and false and it grates on his every nerve. “Innocent? You should hear the things that studio head had to say about him – the make-up artists were talking about it – by the sounds of it he’s spread his legs for every actor and wanna-be in the city.”

Dean feels white-hot rage flood his body and for the first time in his life, he is tempted to strike a woman. “Turn the car around!”, is what he yells instead. “I’m not doing this anymore.”

“Will do boss, we’re only down the street from your place.”, Benny says from upfront. Dean feels the car turn and Lisa openly gawps.

“What do you mean, you’re not doing this anymore? You don’t have a choice!”, she shouts.

This time Dean laughs at her. “Yes I do, and I’m choosing to not do this. Out me if you want, but leave Cas the hell alone – or I will ruin you.”, he says as the car comes to a stop outside his house. He gestures for Sam and Jess to get out first and then roughly grabs Lisa by the arm, pushing her out after them. “Get the fuck out of my car.”, he spits and she is pale and visibly shaking with rage.

“Ms. Braedon, what’s going on?”, one of the reporters asks, running towards them with a microphone in his hand – closely followed by about ten others doing the same thing – as Sam shoulders his way through them, guiding Jess back to the house.

Dean throws Lisa a warning glance, hoping she’ll not act vindictively – of course he’s wrong to hope that. She tosses her hair and then turns to the crowd of reporters.

“I’ll tell you what’s going on. I cared very deeply for Dean, but I just found out that he is gay and has been fucking his assistant!”, she shrieks.

The cameras flash wildly as the reporters clamour for more information. Dean can hear them yelling his name, but he focusses on getting back to his house. One of them follows him into the front garden, still yelling questions.

“Dean! Dean! Can you confirm that what Lisa said is true?”, he yells and Dean turns to face him.

“No.”, he says and for a brief moment he thinks about how easy it would be to deny everything, to go on pretending to be the straight, macho man he isn’t – one thought of Cas waiting inside for him wipes any suggestion of denial from his mind. He leans forward, making sure the reporter’s mic is picking up every word he says. “I’m not gay. I’m bi, bitch. Now get the fuck off my property!”

With that, he turns on his heel and stomps into the house, slamming the door behind him.

When he turns around, he sees that Sam, Jess, Cas, and Meg are all standing in the hallway staring at him. None of them say anything, the silence stretching between them until Jess snorts a laugh and says: “I’m bi, bitch?”, before dissolving into giggles.

Sam joins in, as does Meg and even Cas cracks a smile, so Dean can’t help it – he laughs too. Except then his laughter turns a little hysterical and then he’s panicking, _because he just came out in front of a herd of reporters_ – and oh God, _what would his dad say if he were alive?_

It’s getting hard to breathe and he’s fairly sure that he’s hyperventilating, but then there are a man’s arms around him – not tall enough to be Sammy – Cas’ arms and he’s being wrapped in a tight hug.

Cas just holds him tight, softly whispering into his ear as he does so. “You’re okay, Dean, you’re okay.”, he says. “You were so brave, so very, very brave.”

Dean isn’t quite capable of speech yet, so he just nods and lets himself be held. Eventually he disentangles himself from Cas who turns away suddenly to cough and Dean smothers a laugh at how cute he looks when he scrunches up his nose.

“Thank you.”, he says, when Cas has finished coughing. The other man smiles a little.

“I owed you that, I think.”, he says quietly.

Dean shakes his head, taking Cas’ hand in his. “You don’t owe me anything.” Cas smiles and Dean finds himself getting a little lost in his startling blue eyes.

“Well, that was disgustingly cute.”, Meg says loudly, effectively ruining the moment and causing Dean to realise that in fact, it isn’t just him and Cas in the hallway.

Sam laughs and Jess makes a face that seems to be her silently cooing at them. Dean rolls his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Sorry I ruined your evening, guys.”

His brother sobers. “You didn’t, we’re incredibly proud of what you did.”, he says and Jess nods.

“Yeah Dean, it was really brave. I’m glad you had the strength to get away from that awful woman!”, she says emphatically.

Meg raises an eyebrow. “It’s going to make being on set tomorrow very awkward, that’s for sure.”

Cas throws him a worried look and Dean tries to smile reassuringly at him. “Who cares? It’s her who behaved like a dick, not me.”

“Preach.”, Sam mutters, like the California hipster he is. He glances over at Jess who seems to be trying to tell him something with her eyes. Sam nods, then turns back to Dean. “Yeah, um, Jess and I were thinking – even if we’re not going to dinner with Lisa, Oktober’s is supposed to be amazing and it would be a shame to waste those reservations…”

Dean sighs. “No offense Sammy, but I don’t really feel like going out.” Sam nods, looking a little disappointed. “But hey, why don’t you and Jess go anyway. The reservations are under Winchester, just put whatever you order on the credit card.”

Both Sam and Jess light up. “Thank you so much, Dean!”, Jess enthuses, darting forward to give him a kiss on the cheek. Sam pulls out his phone to order a taxi, as Jess tries to work out what she did with her scarf.

“Guess, I’ll be heading home then.”, Meg mutters, but she doesn’t look too upset.

Dean frowns. “You can stay here if you want and have dinner with Cas and I.”

Meg laughs sardonically. “Yeah, no thanks. As much as I love Clarence and tolerate you, I don’t want to spend all evening watching you guys mooning over each other.”

Dean feels himself blush to his roots and by the way Cas’ hand has tightened on his, he feels similarly embarrassed.

“Taxi’s here!”, Jess says, as a car honks outside.

She heads to the door and Dean smiles at her enthusiasm, but his brother stops her from going out. “Are you sure you’ll be okay, Dean?”, Sam asks.

Dean nods. “I’m fine, Sammy. Go have fun.”

Sam flashes him a smile and he and Jess bound out the front door, Meg trailing behind them, giving Dean and Cas a mock salute on her way out.

Dean closes the door behind them and sighs, heading for the living room, dragging Cas with him. He collapses onto the couch and Cas joins him – he still hasn’t let go of his hand.

“How are you feeling, Dean?”, Cas asks quietly and Dean can’t help but feel a sense of oddness at Cas being the one who’s worried.

He shrugs. “Fine. I don’t think what I’ve done has really sunk in yet and I’m sure I’ll feel different tomorrow. Right now, all I can think about is what my dad would think if he were alive.”

Cas caresses his knuckles gently with his thumb and Dean relaxes a little at the touch. “Did he know?”, he asks and Dean swallows at the memory of his dad finding him with another boy.

He nods. “He did… he, uh, didn’t take it well. I was fifteen, he walked in on me kissing another boy – scared the living daylights out of me because he wasn’t supposed to be home. He sent the boy home and…” Cas has stiffened and Dean doesn’t want to cause him any pain, but the way he’s looking at him, he knows Cas wants to know. He sniffles a little, but pulls himself together enough to say: “Long story short, he thought he could beat the gay out of me. Don’t think it worked – do you?”, he adds jokingly, trying lighten the mood, but suddenly he has an armful of Cas and he’s being clutched tightly to the other man’s chest.

“I’m sorry.”, Cas says into his hair and Dean snakes his arms around his waist, holding him just as tightly.

Dean shakes his head. “S’not your fault Cas.”

“It doesn’t make it right, though.”, Cas counters.

“No. It doesn’t.”, Dean sighs and Cas tightens his arms a little.

Eventually they break apart and Cas fixes him with a penetrating stare. “Why did you do it?”

Dean shakes his head. “The things she was saying Cas, I just couldn’t pretend any longer. She was just threatening to hurt me and you and I couldn’t take it. I needed out. I uh, kind of threatened her so I don’t think she’ll actually get you fired.”

Cas strokes a hand down his face. “I’m glad you did it for you not me, I just hope the blowback isn’t too bad.”

Dean shrugs. “Eh, who cares if they don’t want to hire me for blockbusters anymore. I’ve earned more money in the last few years than most people make in a lifetime – I think I’m overdue to do an Indie film.” Cas smiles gently at him and Dean pulls out his phone. “What do you say, we order in and watch more of the greatest show ever?”

“Sounds good.”, Cas says and there’s a rare, genuine smile on his face. Dean has never wanted to kiss him so badly, so instead he buries himself in the takeaway menu on his phone.

They decide on Chinese and when Dean has placed the order, they settle down to watch more TV. Cas fits himself into Dean’s side like he has always belonged there and Dean is fairly sure that this is what home feels like.

 

* * *

 

 

Three hours later, Dean’s woken by the sounds of Sam and Jess coming home – Cas remains blissfully unconscious. They both seem fairly tipsy and giggle a lot as they tell Dean about their dinner in hushed tones. Dean is glad they had a good time, but he’s secretly glad when they head up to bed. A glance at the clock on the wall next to the bookshelf tells him it’s nearly eleven o’clock, so he gently nudges Cas until he sleepily blinks awake.

“Hey.”, he says, yawning and Dean smiles.

“Hey, it’s getting pretty late. I thought you might want to take your meds and then head to bed.”, he suggests and Cas nods. Dean hands him the assorted medicines and Cas takes the dutifully, then Dean pulls him to his feet. “C’mon, I’ll show you back upstairs and give you some fresh PJs since you spent all day in those ones.”

Cas nods sleepily and follows Dean up the stairs. Once in his bedroom, Dean digs through his drawers until he finds a fresh pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt and hands them to Cas.

“This is your room?”, Cas asks and he nods. The other man frowns. “Why am I staying here?”

Dean blushes a little. “Oh um, there’s only two bedrooms. Sam and Jess are in the guest room and I wasn’t going to let you sleep on the sofa – that’s my prerogative.”

Cas’ frown deepens. “You can’t sleep on the sofa, Dean.”

“Um, I think you’ll find I can, Cas.”, he says snarkily. Cas looks down at his feet and Dean regrets his tone of voice – right up until Cas speaks again.

“You could stay here.”, he says quietly and Dean is ready to protest, until he says: “With me. We could, um share, I mean.”

Dean smiles. “You’d be okay with that?”, he asks and Cas nods.

“Yes. I – uh, I’ve slept better when I was near you in the past few days than I have in the last couple of years.”, he admits and there’s that ache in Dean’s chest again – how can he possibly say no?

“Okay, as long as it’s what you want.”, he says, grabbing his own pyjamas from the dresser. He changes quickly and tries to keep his eyes to himself as Cas does the same. It’s hard though, the tattoo is mesmerising.

“It’s okay. You can ask.”, Cas says softly, as he moves towards the bed, Dean moving towards him like a boat to a lighthouse.

Dean feels a wash of shame flood him, but he can’t not ask. “What are the wings for?”, he asks as he slides into bed, folding back the covers so Cas can do the same.

Cas settles in beside him and Dean flicks off the lights, immersing them in darkness. “When I was younger my family used to say I was their good luck angel – after everything with… Him, I felt so dirty. I felt like a fallen angel and I – I wanted something to help cover up the scars. One of the jobs I found in the beginning paid well enough to save up for half of this – the studio gave me a discount because the artist was still a trainee.”

Dean turns over on his side, Cas is facing him – his eyes visible by the way they catch the dim streetlight filtering in through the blinds. “It’s beautiful.”, he whispers. “You’re beautiful.” He wouldn’t need to see, to know that Cas is frowning in disagreement, he reaches out to smooth the line between his eyebrows. “You might not see it, but I do.”, he tells Cas.

Cas is so still and silent for so long, that Dean worries that he’s irrevocably messed up, shutting his eyes in embarrassment. But then in the darkness he hears the rustling of the sheets and when he opens his eyes again, Cas is much closer than before. He reaches out a hand, cupping the back of Dean’s neck and Dean thinks his heart must be beating so loud it’ll wake the whole damn house. Cas leans in and presses an unbearably soft kiss to his lips and Dean doesn’t do much more than let it happen – Cas doesn’t say anything, but Dean knows this is how he is speaking without words. They stay like that for what feels like an eternity and when Cas moves again, it’s just to turn over so he’s positioned a little more comfortably with his back pressed to Dean’s chest. Almost automatically, Dean’s arms wrap around him and he burrows his face into Cas’ hair.

He feels unbelievably content and no matter what tomorrow brings, he thinks he’ll be able to face it, if it ends exactly like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooh, look at that I managed to update twice in two days. This chapter is a bit of a filler, but it had to be written for the story to progress.  
> I hope you liked it and as always thank you for reading xxx


	9. Sorry I let them break me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, this chapter is a lot darker, so I have updated the fic tags. Please be aware of the TWs and I will post a description of the chapter in the post-chapter notes for those who want to skip it. The scene containing the non-graphic rape is the bit written in italics and if you want to scroll past it there's a line dividing the two parts.
> 
> This chapter is from Cas' POV  
> TWs for panic attacks, swearing, depictions of abuse, descriptions of rape (not graphic), coming out,  
> Chapter title from this quote: "I’m sorry I can’t understand just like everyone else. I’m sorry I’m not like them, though I try so hard to be. I’m sorry I’m not clever like them, I’m just not. I’m sorry I’m not really that good at anything, I wish I was. I’m sorry I’m not whole. I’m sorry I let them break me. I’m sorry I’ve ruined it all, I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry I can’t kill the voices in my head, that I taint everything I touch. I’m sorry I can’t believe soft words. I’m sorry I can’t fight like I’m supposed to. I’m sorry I’m not enough. I’m sorry."

_“I do.”, Cas says and Lucifer smiles at him. He has an interesting smile, kind of… mischievous? Cas can’t really express it in words. He’s handsome though, his mother is right, he could do a lot worse._

_They sign the marriage certificate and it’s done. Lucifer presses a kiss to Cas’ cheek and he feels his whole body heat up – who would have thought that he would be so lucky as to be married by eighteen and helping his family at the same time?_

_“Family and your duty to them are everything, Castiel.”, his mother had always said and she was right. It was him who was helping with this merger, him who was sealing the deal. He was the one his family were depending on. He’s happy as his family congratulate them, as Lucifer keeps a hold of his hand, as they cut a simple cake together._

_After the party Lucifer hands him the key to their house and tells him he’s been called away on a business matter, but that he should make himself at home. Cas does and he is happy._

_He’s happy until Lucifer gets back, until he finds out just who he has married._

_He tried at the beginning, he really did. Thought that if he did everything Lucifer asked of him the man would relent, would stop the beatings. He doesn’t._

_Whatever Cas does is wrong and is punished. After the first week he can barely see, his face is so swollen and he’s afraid to speak, because Lucifer told him his voice is grating._

_After three weeks, he calls his mother. “Please come and get me. I… I can’t stay here. He – he’s so cruel.”, he tells her in hushed tones, Lucifer is somewhere in the house and Cas can’t risk him hearing._

_There’s a long moment of silence on the other end, before his mother finally speaks. “I’m sorry Castiel, but what two people do within the confines of their marriage is none of my business. He’s your husband, I suggest you talk to him. I’m not going to risk this merger just because your personalities differ.”_

_“No, please, you don’t under-“, he starts and is cut off by the dial tone – she hung up on him._

_Then there’s a hand grabbing his collar, turning him to look at its owner. Lucifer stares down at him, his eyes doing that eerie thing where they look red in a certain light. “What were you doing?”, he asks._

_Cas feels his stomach turn to ice. “N-nothing.”, he says and Lucifer grins._

_“Really? Well Cassie, it seems you’ve forgotten our lesson on lying to me. Bedroom. Now.”, he says and Cas can’t, he won’t let this happen again._

_“No.”, he says as defiantly as he can with a shaky voice._

_The smile drops from Lucifer’s face. “No? You disobedient little cunt, you don’t get to say no to me!” He snaps his fingers and one of his, what he claims are bodyguards, comes running in. He has a high, nasally voice and Castiel thinks he hates him almost as much as he hates Lucifer. “Alistair, take care of this for me. I don’t think the lesson quite sunk in last time.”_

_Cas tries to run, but he has nowhere to go and then Alistair is dragging him kicking and screaming to the spare bedroom. There’s chains on the bedframe and Cas writhes, trying to escape as Alistair attaches them his wrists and ankles so that he’s face down on the bed. His shirt is roughly torn off him and he can hear the fabric tearing more than he can feel it. There’s a long moment where nothing happens and he thinks wildly, that maybe they’ll leave it at that._

_But then Lucifer talks and that hope is dashed. “You deserve this Castiel. You’re bad, you’re worthless. You’re no better than a whore and at least they’re good fucks.” There’s a whistling noise and then there’s pain exploding across Cas’ back. He chokes back a scream and he hears someone laugh. “You know you deserve this, don’t you?”, Lucifer asks and Cas groans in pain. “Wrong answer.”, Lucifer says and there’s another lash of the whip across his back. This time Cas can’t hold back the scream. He’s never felt pain like it, it’s like his back is on fire and he wants it to stop. “Say you deserve it.”_

_He doesn’t deserve this though, no one does. “No.”, he gasps and Lucifer tuts. There’s another lash, then two more in quick succession and Cas screams so loudly he thinks something in his throat might tear._

_“Look at you, your family whored you out to close a merger. You’re worthless except for what’s between your legs and you know I could get that wherever I want. You deserve everything that is happening to you, don’t you?”, Lucifer asks, but Cas can’t bring himself to answer. Alistair swings the whip again and again, and Cas screams again. He can feel blood coursing down his back, stinging the skin that has split open like overripe fruit._

_“You’re a slow learner Castiel. You bore me. You can stay here until you’re ready to tell me what I already know - that you deserve this.”, Lucifer says and Cas hears a single set of footsteps retreating and the door opening and closing. He groans as the throbbing in his back intensifies, the sharp sting of the impacts receding to give way to a bone-deep ache._

_“The boss had high hope for you, you know.”, Alistair says conversationally, his oily voice penetrating Cas’ mind like toxic sludge. “He liked the look of you, thought you’d be perfect for his needs. You still can be you know, you’re just a little headstrong, need some breaking in. That’s what I’m here for.” He laughs a little and Cas feels every hair on his body stand on end as the other man crouches down beside the bed, his face level with Cas’. “I’ll break you in and by the time I’m done with you, you’ll be the perfect toy for the boss. No resistance left in you. Well…. Maybe in some areas.”, he says and Cas feels a wave of nausea wash over him as he feels his pants being pulled down and a rough finger pressing at his hole. “No, this bit here I’ll leave alone, that belongs to the boss. He wouldn’t like anyone else playing with it.”_

_Alistair laughs again, withdrawing his finger and Cas wants to throw up. The other man leaves and when the door finally shuts behind him, Cas lets himself cry. He sobs as the pain washes over him in waves and for a brief moment he prays that he dies._

_He eventually passes out which seems like a blessing until he wakes up to someone on top of him, roughly entering him with no lubrication whatsoever. He screams, his voice hoarse and raspy, and then there’s a hand on the back of his head, shoving his face onto the mattress. “Shut up.”, Lucifer orders. “I don’t want to hear your pathetic whining.”_

_Cas can barely breathe, let alone scream and as Lucifer continues taking him, he prays to whatever God may be listening that he dies here and now._

_When Lucifer finishes, leaving him sticky and shaking, Cas feels empty, hollowed out. He feels like a corpse, cold and dead and festering, and he wonders if maybe he has died. Maybe this is hell. If it is, then Lucifer is right, he’s here because he deserves this._

_A pattern develops. Alistair will be with him in the day, inflicting any manner of pain he chooses – although he tends to prefer his spiked whip. In the evenings he’ll be let off the bed to wash himself and eat – not too much though, he’s already too fat – and every morning he wakes up to what Lucifer calls his “husbandly duty”. Every day, Lucifer will ask him to say that he deserves this and Castiel will refuse – at least at the beginning. Eventually, he can’t stand it anymore and says it._

_The moment the words leave his lips, Lucifer drags him up into a gentle kiss that makes Cas want to recoil, but he’s so very confused and his body hasn’t had affection in so long. “There now.”, Lucifer says softly. “That’s all I wanted to hear. It wasn’t so hard, was it?” Cas shakes his head and Lucifer slaps him. “Speak when you’re spoken to, Castiel.”_

_“Yes sir.”_

_Lucifer smiles appreciatively. “Very good. Now, I think you should be rewarded for your good behaviour. I’ll allow you to move about the house – accompanied of course. Isn’t that nice of me?”_

_Cas nods and flinches when Lucifer raises his hand again. “Sorry sir. Thank you for your kindness, sir.”_

_Lucifer nods and pushes him towards the bathroom. “Go and clean yourself up. You’re filthy and good whores are supposed to be clean.” He slaps Castiel on the ass as he goes, and he has to bite the inside of his cheek to stop himself from screaming._

_He makes his way to the bathroom, stringently avoiding the mirror. He hates the way he looks, how sunken his eyes are, how he can see Lucifer’s presence in them. He showers, numb to the sensation of the water rushing over him – he’s been numb for a while now. He’s a walking corpse and corpses don’t feel, don’t deserve to feel._

* * *

 

 

He wakes up, disoriented, to something nudging his ass. Something hard. His whole body stiffens and the man behind him groans, tightening his arms around Cas’ waist.

Cas feels ice flood his stomach, because this isn’t his husband and no one else should be touching him. He belongs to Lucifer – and he’s going to kill him when he finds out. On the other hand, maybe this is another one of Lucifer’s friends. He squeezes his eyes shut. If that’s the case he’ll just have to let it happen, the last time he refused that, he couldn’t sit for a week. The man grinds his hips against Cas’ ass and Cas knows he should just let it happen, but he can’t – he can’t have yet another person taking that from him. His eyes fly open and he rolls out of the bed, crawling across the floor and into the corner.

He tries to make himself as small as possible as the man in the bed sits up, making a confused noise. His heartrate is out of control as he tries to orientate himself. This isn’t his room at Lucifer’s house and it doesn’t look like a hotel room, so where the hell is he?

“Cas?”, the man in the bed asks quietly, his voice is familiar and something about it tells Cas that he isn’t in any danger, but the panic has overtaken everything and he can’t think clearly. He digs his nails into his forearms and feels a brief moment of relief as a sharp spike of pain goes through him. He’s not numb, he’s not dead.

The man gets out of the bed and then looks down at himself, seeming to notice the significant bulge in his lose pyjama pants. “Fuck.”, he says, and slowly pads across the floor. “Cas, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to – fuck, no don’t do that sweetheart.”

He’s right in front of Cas now, and his warm hands are covering Cas’ pulling them away from the skin they’re clawing at. Cas doesn’t want to look at him, doesn’t want to see the look on this man’s face. “Please don’t tell him…”, Cas whispers. “I’ll – I’ll behave now. I’m sorry.” He staggers to his feet, and fumbles with the drawstring on his pants. They seem nice, maybe if gets them off now, they won’t get ripped and he’ll be allowed to keep them.

“No.”, the man says sharply. Cas understands, he wants to take them off himself. “Cas, I need you to look at me. It’s me, Dean. You’re at my house, you’re safe. I don’t want you to – I don’t want anything from you.” There are hands on his face, forcing his head up and Cas opens his mouth, reflexively getting down on his knees. “Cas! Look at me, please. I don’t want that.”, the man says and Cas forces his eyes open – sometimes they wanted to see him looking at them.

The man in front of him looks achingly familiar, his eyes are green and warm and – oh god! He’s not with Lucifer. He’s with Dean. Dean who he’d just offered himself to like the cheap slut he was!

“Oh god!”, he says and Dean’s eyes widen in concern. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Dean. I didn’t. I’m sorry. I did- didn’t know it was you. I didn’t mean to. I know you don’t want me. I should go – oh god, I’m so sorry.”, he stutters, his breaths panicky. He knows what Dean must think of him, he must finally understand what a whore Cas is and Cas isn’t sure he wants to see Dean’s expression of disgust. He closes his eyes, tears trickling down his cheeks – Dean is sure to kick him out now.

Instead Dean asks. “Cas, can I touch you?” The questions surprises him, but he supposes after what he’s just done there’s no point in saying no. He nods and then Dean’s strong arms are around him, just holding him. Cas’ breath catches in his throat as Dean rubs a gentle hand up and down his back. “You’re okay, Cas. I’m here and you’re safe.”

Cas shakes his head. “It’s alright, Dean, you can tell me to go – I know what you must think of me.”

Dean pulls away, fixing Cas with a gentle frown. “All I think of you Cas, is that you are unbelievably strong. I’m much more concerned with what you think of me. I’m so sorry about this morning – it’s just… it’s been a while since I’ve shared a bed with anyone, but it was completely unintentional. I know we’re not in that place at the moment.” He looks a little embarrassed and Cas nods, but there’s a guilty feeling in his stomach. He shouldn’t be making Dean feel bad for having a normal bodily reaction, just because Cas is a freak. Something must read on his face, because Dean says: “It’s not your fault, Cas.”

Cas nods again and Dean smiles. “I’m going to go shower, Benny will be here soon. Why don’t you head downstairs and we can have breakfast.”

Cas follows Dean out of the bedroom and then makes his way downstairs to the kitchen. When he gets there, Sam and Jess are sitting at the breakfast bar, a stack of newspapers and magazines in front of them, being lectured by an extremely hyper looking rehead.

“Morning, Cas!”, Jess says brightly and the redhead turns, fixing Cas with a wide grin.

She bounces towards him, stretching out a hand. “Hi, I’m Charlie! It’s a pleasure to meet the man who made Dean yell ‘I’m bi bitch’ at a crowd of reporters!”, she says enthusiastically and Cas doesn’t think she’s being sarcastic. He hesitantly shakes her hand.

Sam laughs. “Cas, this is Charlie – Dean’s agent. Charlie, Cas is…”, he trails off, looking a little uncertain and Charlie grins even wider.

“Ooh they haven’t DTRed yet, exciting! Anyhoo, do you know where Dean is, because I have some things to discuss with that rascal!”, she says and Cas feels a little overwhelmed, but manages to mutter that Dean is in the shower.

Charlie makes an extremely lascivious face at that, but thankfully Jess rescues him by asking him to come pick some tea.

“Sorry about her.”, she whispers. “She honestly is lovely, and the best agent out there but she’s a little… excitable.” Cas offers Jess an understanding smile, which she returns.

They return to the breakfast bar with their hot drinks, where Charlie is listening to Sam talk about his preparation for the LSATs and thankfully doesn’t ask Cas any more questions.

Dean announces his arrival with a loud: “The hell, are you doing here?”, when he enters the kitchen in jeans and a t-shirt, hair still damp and Charlie promptly launches herself into his arms. “Hey, Charles.”, he wheezes and she lets him go, a faux-stern look on her face.

“We have a lot to discuss, mister! I thought you were going to tell me before you come out, so I can do damage control.”, she says reproachfully and Dean groans, crossing the kitchen to sit on the stool next to Cas.

“It was an impulse decision.”, he mutters and Sam snorts.

Charlie pushes the stack of publications towards him. “Well the good news is that you’re in every single daily paper and magazine and ‘I’m bi bitch’ is trending on twitter. There’s the usual homophobes calling you disgusting and some who want you to quit the film you’re working on, but they’re a minority.”

Dean takes one look at the top newspaper, which has a picture of him last night splashed across the front pages and buries his head in his arms. Cas feels immeasurably guilty and reaches out a careful hand to comfort Dean – it is his fault this happened after all. He gently strokes the back of Dean’s head and neck, surprised when the actor relaxes a little, and flashes him a brief smile from between his arms. “So what do I need to do?”, he asks, his voice muffled.

Charlie gives him a sympathetic look, then pulls out her phone. “Well, I’ve booked you on with James Corden for this Friday which means you have a few days to get yourself sorted. Apart from that, you’ve had two offers for super cute indie movies – before you ask, yes they’re gay roles – and also…..”, she trails off as her phone bleeps loudly three times. She groans, then says: “Okay, so Crowley just texted. He says Lisa is refusing to come on set today, because you’ll be there. He’s firing Cas and he wants you to come see him at 12 today and you better ‘give him a bloody good reason not to fire you’. Sorry guys.”

Dean groans, but he raises his head from the bar. Cas’ stomach is roiling and he thinks he might throw up the spicy, Asian tea Jess had made him. He slides off the barstool and staggers out of the kitchen. His head is spinning and he needs some air. He staggers to the front door and wrenches it open, gasping in the cool air. He has about five seconds before there are camera flashes going off in his face and then Dean is pulling him back inside.

He lets Dean hug him and buries his face in the actor’s chest. “Sorry.”, he says against his shirt and Dean just strokes his hair.

“It’s okay, Cas. It’s not fair that they’re always out there. And I’m sorry you got fired, even though I promised you wouldn’t.”, he says quietly and Cas tightens his arms around Dean’s waist.

“S’not your fault.”, he says. “Lisa was never going to let me stay.”

Dean huffs a laugh. “Yeah, apparently she’s not going to let me stay either.”

They stand there for a moment, until Cas jumps about a foot in the air at the sound of high-pitched squeal. “Oh my God, you guys are so cute!”, Charlie yells as Cas tries to get his heartrate to normalise. Dean rubs the spot between his shoulder blades and he relaxes a little.

They follow her into the living room, where Sam is showing Jess something on his phone.

“Guys look, you’re already on Twitter!”, he says, thrusting his phone at them. Dean takes it and shows Cas. There’s a picture of Cas alone on the front steps looking panicked, then another one of Dean appearing behind him looking worried. Then there’s a third picture of him, tucked under Dean’s arm, being led back inside. The caption states: “Dean Winchester comforting boyfriend after fight. #couplegoals”

“We didn’t have a fight.”, Cas says quietly.

Jess laughs. “Yeah the captions are always amazing.”

“And always lies.”, Dean adds, making Sam and Charlie laugh. “Well, I guess I don’t need to go into work yet. What about you, how are you feeling today Cas – cold wise, I mean.” Cas actually does feel better and when he tells Dean so, the actor beams at him. “Good, I’m glad! Does that mean you’d be up for going to see the friends of mine who’ll be able to give you a job?”

He feels nervous, thinking about meeting yet another new person, but Dean is doing this for him, so he just nods and enjoys the brief flutter of warmth that the smile sends through him.

“Where are you going to take him?”, Sam asks curiously.

Dean grins. “Oh you’re coming too Sammy, you’ve not been to see Ellen in ages.” His smile must be infectious because Sam and Jess start grinning too.

“Amazing! We’ll go get dressed.”, Sam says, sprinting out of the living room, dragging Jess behind him. Dean laughs, reaching out to rub Cas’ shoulder and Cas thinks he’s never going to get over the casual, gentle touches and how good they feel. “What about you, want to go for a shower? I can lend you some of my clothes, or we can go past your place and you can get your own.”

“I’d like to shower.”, he says quietly. “And get some of my own clothes. But I should be going home soon anyway. I’ve imposed on you long enough.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Charlie slinking out of the room, throwing them a wave, as Dean plants himself in front of him. “Cas, I thought we agreed that you’d stay here?”, he asks, his eyes wide and worried.

Cas can feel the anxiety and guilt building in him. “Dean, I can’t keep… scrounging off you. And I am not a good person to – to live with. Look what happened this morning!”, he says, his voice a little shaky.

“Cas that wasn’t your fault. And we won’t have to keep sharing a bed, once Sam is gone you can have the guest bedroom and until then I’ll sleep on the sofa! And it’s not scrounging, you’ve not taken anything I haven’t wanted to give!”, Dean says passionately.

Cas can feel his hands shaking and the urge to run and hide is rising. “I don’t – it’s too much – I can’t take all this from you. I need to… I can’t give up everything of my own – not again. I don’t know why you can’t understand that!” Dean looks hurt and Cas is the one who did that, but he can’t owe someone so much again, he can’t. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry Dean, I didn’t mean to.” He backs away from the actor, raising his hands defensively as Dean takes a step towards him. “I’m sorry, I’m such… I shouldn’t have said that. You’re… I’m… I didn’t mean to.”

“Cas, it’s okay.”, Dean says soothingly, looking at him like he’s a skittish animal – and to be honest, Cas feels like one. “I shouldn’t have pushed so hard, but I’m not trying to take anything away from you… I’m just trying to help.”

Dean takes a step toward Cas, but he looks uncertain and Cas hates that it’s because of him. He can feel that emptiness inside him again and he’s afraid that it might be all-consuming and Dean is looking at him like he can see the corpse Cas really is – that Lucifer made him – and like he doesn’t know why Cas is still here. So Cas starts to back away, to get away before Dean tells him to go, but then Dean is stepping towards him again.

“Cas, don’t do this to yourself. This – what we have – is… good. Just… let me help you, you can decide how much you want to take. I won’t force you into anything you don’t want, but don’t throw it all away just because you’re… scared.”, Dean says and his words swirl around Cas’ head like a vortex.

“I’m not scared when I’m with you.”, Cas says, and he knows in his heart that it’s true, even though he’s spent so long being scared that he almost doesn’t remember what it feels like not to.

Dean reaches out and takes Cas’ hand. “I can’t tell you how much that means.”, he says quietly and then he’s reeling Cas in for a hug. Cas accepts it, his whole body still wracked with tremors. “If you don’t want to take this job, then you don’t have to. And you don’t have to move in with me… I was just trying to help you, but I understand if it’s too much.”

Cas shakes his head. “It’s okay. I know why, I just… he controlled everything, Dean. I can’t have that happen again, I just can’t.”

Dean sinks onto the sofa and Cas joins him, twisting his hands together nervously. “I didn’t know that’s what I was doing.”, the actor says.

“You aren’t, Dean, I swear. I would like to meet your friends and see if they have a job for me.”

Dean looks up hopefully. “Yeah? And what about living here?”

Cas’ stomach tightens. The last place he moved into before his shitty apartment, was a place he left broken and cracked. “I need to think about it.”

“Okay, I get that.”, Dean says, squeezing his hand again. He’s still gentle, even after everything Cas said to him and that makes Cas a little brave. He slides a closer to Dean, close enough that their legs are pressed together. His stomach flips and when he turns to look at Dean, he finds he’s already looking right back at him.

“Cas.”, Dean says quietly. “I would really, really like to kiss you.”

Cas can feel his breath hitch, because he doesn’t understand why Dean would want to – after everything that has already happened this morning. He can feel Dean’s breath on his face, and he leans in a fraction, so close that their lips almost touching.

“Hey Dean, when do you want to go?”, Sam yells, bursting into the room as they jump apart. “Oh, sorry.”

Cas blushes and Dean looks a little flustered. “Um, I think Cas wanted to shower first.”, Dean says and Sam looks a little embarrassed.

“Right cool, well let me know when you want to go.”, he says, backing out of the living room.

Dean laughs. “That moose has never had good timing.”, he says and Cas huffs a laugh too. “Do you want to go shower?”, he asks, stroking the back of Cas’ neck.

Cas nods and gets up. “Can we still go past my flat so I can get different clothes?”

Dean flashes him a smile. “Sure. I’ll get you clothes to wear on the way there.”

Cas heads to the downstairs shower room, and strips out of his shirt, then nearly jumps a foot in the air when the door opens. Dean walks in with the fresh set of clothes, which he immediately drops to cover his eyes.

“Shit, sorry.”, he says and Cas can’t help the laugh that escapes him.

“Dean, it’s nothing you haven’t seen before.”, he says.

Dean uncovers his eyes and looks at him a little sheepishly. “Yeah, sorry. Well, um… enjoy your shower.”, he says before shuffling out of the room.

Cas showers quickly, trying to ignore the fact that the last time he was in this shower was with Dean. When he dresses and heads back to the kitchen, it’s to find that Dean has made him breakfast.

“Thank you.”, he says as Dean hands him a plate of eggs.

He eats and listens to Sam tell some story about losing his shoe on a night out. When they’ve all had breakfast, Dean goes and gets him a coat – not his own, this one is a sheepskin lined leather one. “Sorry, it’s freezing outside and yours is pretty thin.”, Dean says and Cas takes it gratefully.

He wraps himself up while the others do the same and they get ready to head out. Except when Dean opens the door, there’s someone already standing there, his hand poised to ring the bell.

“Hello Cassie.”, the person says and it sends ice through his entire body.

Dean looks between him and the man in the doorway. “Cas? What’s going on?”

Cas isn’t sure he can speak, but eventually he forces out: “Dean, this is Gabriel. Lucifer’s brother.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Gasp* Cliffhanger??? yes! I love them and I love Gabe, tune in soon for how that whole thing works out! And thank you for reading xxx
> 
>  
> 
> Chapter description:  
> Flashback to Cas marrying Lucifer. He is happy at first and Lucifer goes away on a business trip immediately after the wedding. However when he returns the relationship turns abusive. When Cas calls his mother, she refuses to help him. Lucifer regularly rapes Cas and has his bodyguard Alistair whip and beat Castiel.
> 
> Castiel wakes up, disoriented and then panics when he feels an erection pressing against him. He can't remember where he is and thinks he's back with an associate of Lucifer's to whom he has been loaned for sex. Dean calms him down and the two go downstairs to find Dean's agent, Charlie there and Dean's coming out across every media outlet. Charlie tells them that Cas has been fired and Dean needs to meet with Crowley to discuss his place on set. Cas panics and goes outside where he is immediately photographed by the paparazzi.  
> Dean offers to get him a new job like he said previously and for him to move in. Cas feels guilty and lashes out, however Dean is understanding and agrees to let Cas decide how much help he wants to accept. Cas agrees to meet Dean's friend Ellen to interview for a job and the two almost kiss, but they're interrupted by Sam.  
> Just as they are about to leave, a man turns up looking for Castiel. Cas introduces him as Gabriel, Lucifer's brother.


	10. The things you've lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Dean's POV  
> TWs for swearing, offensive language, mentions of abuse, mentions of past suicide attempts,  
> Chapter title from the quote "Sometimes the things you've lost can be found again in unexpected places" by Daniel Handler

“Dean, this is Gabriel. Lucifer’s brother.”, Cas says and Dean feels ice flood his stomach.

“Get out.”, he growls at the man standing in his doorway, instinctively putting himself between this Gabriel and Cas.

Gabriel smirks and raises his eyebrows in amusement. “Quite the guard-dog you’ve got there, Cassie.”

Dean takes a menacing step towards him, but stops when he feels Cas take his hand. He turns and sees Cas slowly shaking his head. “Cas?”, he asks confused.

“It’s okay, Dean.”, Cas says quietly. “He um, he won’t hurt me.”

Gabriel snorts. “Yeah, I’m not a great big bag of dicks like my brother. Speaking of dicks, either of you boys thought about doing some… adult entertainment?”, he asks, grinning lecherously at Sam and Dean. Jess laughs and Dean feels Cas squeeze his hand in what he hopes is a gesture of support.

Dean offers Cas a little smile and he returns it before turning to frown at Gabriel. “What are you doing here, Gabe?”, he asks and Dean chokes on his own spit at the casual nickname.

A slightly sobered expression crosses Gabriel’s face. “After everything that happened, you kind of disappeared off the face of the earth Cassie. I was worried. But then I saw the paper, and some actress was claiming that you were sleeping with her boyfriend and I had to come and see you.”

“I didn’t disappear, you left!”, Cas says, stepping around Dean and it’s the closest to genuinely angry Dean has ever seen him. His hands are balled into fists and his chest heaving, as if he’s struggling to breathe. He puts a soothing hand in between Cas’ shoulder blades and Gabriel looks a little deflated from his earlier arrogance and nonchalance. “You couldn’t take the pressure anymore and you ran… you ran and left me.”

“I thought you’d be okay. I got you away from him. That was all that mattered and once I’d done that, I thought you’d be fine.”, Gabriel says quietly.

“Well I wasn’t. I’m not.”, Cas spits, before turning on his heel and pushing past them all and up the stairs.

Dean watches him go, before turning back to Gabriel. “What do you mean, you got him out? Out from where?”

Gabriel sighs. “Look buddy, if Cassie hasn’t told you about my brother, then I’m not going to be the one to tell you.”

Dean glares. “He has told me. He’s just never mentioned you.”

“Huh, usually everyone mentions me.”, Gabe says and he looks genuinely surprised. “Well the TL/DR of it is that I went to visit my brother, saw Cas, got him alone, figured out what was happening. Then I devised a stunningly clever plot to get him away, and then helped him file divorce papers.”

Dean feels a flash of warmth for Gabriel; if what he says is true, he’s responsible for getting Cas out of Lucifer’s clutches. And yet, Cas was still very clearly angry at him. “What happened then?”

Gabriel sighs. “Look, Lucifer knew it was me who helped out Cas, he was burying my company in law suits - i had to go to take care of that. I gave Cassie some cash and left him with a prepaid hotel room, I thought he'd be fine.”

“And then, what? You never thought to check up on him?”, Dean growls, and Sam has to grab his arm to stop him from squaring up to Gabriel.

To his credit, Gabriel doesn’t look all that impressed, but he does throw up his hands defensively. “Hey man, I squared all my shit away and came back to the hotel and he was gone. He even left the cash – god knows why, the divorce bankrupted him. Lucifer’s conditions were that Cas hand over all his assets including his trustfund and he gave it up without a fight. But yeah, Cas left and I spent months trying to find him. Eventually I just figured he didn’t want to be found.”

Dean feels another chill at the thought of just how much Lucifer had robbed Cas of. Gabriel seems sincere and Cas had initially let him in, after all. He looks at Gabe and decides he can’t kick him out… yet. “How about Sam and Jess take you to the living room and I’ll go check on Cas.”

Gabe nods, smiling gratefully and follows Sam and Jess. Dean turns and heads up the stairs. Knocking quietly, he opens the door to his bedroom. Cas is sitting on the bed, his legs crossed and his hands nervously twisting around each other. He looks up at Dean with slightly watery eyes and that’s all it takes for Dean to cross the room and gather Cas up into his arms. Cas doesn’t cry, just sniffs a little and returns the embrace.

“Are you okay?”, Dean asks and Cas huffs a little laugh. “Right, stupid question.”, he answers himself and Cas just buried his face deeper in the crook of his neck. Dean shivers a little as he feels Cas’ breath ghosting across his neck, goosebumps erupting and he buries the fingers of one hand in Cas’ thick hair, the others curving around his waist. They sit there, wrapped around each other, their hearts beating in synchronicity for an indeterminate amount of time.

“I’m alright, Dean.”, Cas says quietly, his lips moving against Dean’s skin. Dean shivers again at the sensation and he’s pretty sure Cas smiles.

Dean disentangles himself from Cas just enough so that he can pull back and look at him. “You sure?”

Cas nods, his eyes painfully sincere. “Yes, Dean, I’m sure.” He smiles just a little, his tongue darting out to lick his lips as he does and Dean’s breath hitches. He knows he’s staring but he can’t stop, because after all that happened to him Cas still manages to be so kind, so beautiful, and still smile. Before he knows it, Dean is leaning forward, his lips millimetres from Cas’. Just in time he remembers himself. This is Cas, and despite how strong he is, Dean can’t be the next person to take advantage of him – he just can’t.

“Sorry.”, he breathes, starting to move away from Cas, but then Cas’ hand is in his hair, holding him in place. “Cas?”

“It’s okay, you can kiss me.”, Cas says, so quietly Dean almost think he imagined it, if it weren’t for the way Cas is looking at him, and the way his heartrate picks up.

Still, he doesn’t move. “Are you sure? I don’t want to take advantage of you.”

Cas smiles. “The fact that you’re even thinking about that, proves that you could never take anything I don’t want to give.” Then he’s leaning in again and pressing his lips to Dean. It’s not like the last time - a quick peck in the dark. This is chaste, but slow and so full of emotion that Dean almost doesn’t think he can bear the ache in his chest it causes. Cas still has a hand on Dean’s neck, and the other reaches down to guide Dean’s arms that are still firmly by his sides. Dean lets Cas lift first one arm, then the other, both coming to wrap around his waist, never breaking the kiss. Dean holds Cas, careful not to hold him too tight, so he can feel like he can break free if he needs to.

Cas’ lips move against his in a rhythm that sends fire through Dean’s veins and he has to refrain from attempting to deepen it. Eventually though they separate and Dean can’t look away from how Cas’ cheeks are a little flushed and his eyes seem bluer than they did before. Then Cas smiles at him beatifically and Dean thinks his heart might beat right out of his chest.

Ever so carefully, Dean strokes a hand through Cas’ hair and the other man leans into the touch.

“Gabriel’s still here. Do you want to go down and speak to him, or should I tell him to go?”, Dean asks.

Cas frowns, tilting his head to one side, the shakes it. “Don’t make him leave. I’ll talk to him.”, he says quietly.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, Dean. He did mean well, but…”

“But he left.”, Dean finishes for him.

Cas nods. “I know he had to deal with Lucifer, but – but I wasn’t ready to deal with anything then, even less than now and… I guess I blame him for leaving me alone and maybe even for what I did when I was alone.”

Dean’s stomach is churning and he reaches out and takes Cas’ hand. He strokes his thumb along the back of Cas’ hand, just as Cas twists his arm so it’s wrist up. There’s an ugly, ropy looking scar running lengthwise up his arm, disappearing under his long-sleeved shirt. Dean chokes a little, unsure how he hadn't noticed it before as Cas holds up his other arm to show him a second, matching scar. “Cas.”, he breathes, lifting Cas’ wrist up to press a gentle kiss to the scar.

Cas shudders and reaches out his free hand to cup Dean’s face. “It’s okay, Dean.”, he says and Dean shakes his head.

“This is what you did?”, he asks, and Cas casts his eyes down.

He strokes his thumb along Dean’s jaw in a strange reversal of who should be comforting whom. “I thought Lucifer was going to find me and... and take me back. I couldn’t - I won't let it happen. Housekeeping in the hotel found me just in time.”

“Jesus.”, Dean breathes, turning his face to press a kiss to Cas’ hand. “But the others, on your arms… do you still?” He can’t bring himself to finish the question, but Cas seems to know what he’s asking.

“No.”, he says. “They’re not… I’m not… I – I don’t want that anymore. But sometimes… it’s just too much and I feel – I feel like I did when I was with him. Just… hollowed out and empty – and I can’t tell if I’m alive – or what’s real anymore.”

Dean feels sick at how pained Cas looks when he tells him, how afraid of Dean's judgement he seems. “I’m sorry Cas. But you know it isn’t good for you right? You know you need help.”

Cas tenses a little, but he nods. “I know.”

“And you know I’ll help you get that, right?”

Cas smiles. “I do now.”

Dean takes his hand, getting to his feet and tugging to get Cas to join him. “You know I’m happy to kick Gabe out.”, he whispers to Cas, who grins.

“Let’s go.”, Cas says, leading Dean out of the room.

When they reach the living room, Cas’ hand still clasped in his, the first thing Dean sees is Jess bent double, shrieking with laughter. Sam is bright red and Gabriel looks very pleased with himself.

“Dean, you’re back!”, Sam says, sounding disproportionately grateful to see him. Gabe looks over at them and a mischievous grin spreads across his face.

“Good to see you again Cassie, did you two enjoy your ‘alone time’? Some ‘wink, wink, nudge, nudge’ in the bedroom?”, Gabriel asks as Jess bursts into helpless giggles again.

Dean nearly growls – surely Gabriel of all people must know how inappropriate that is to say to Cas – but Cas surprises him by flipping Gabriel off.

“Shut up, Gabe.”, he says and Gabe raises his eyebrows.

“Ooooh must not have been great, if you’re still that pissed off. Dean, don’t you know how to keep your man happy?”, he says provocatively and Cas tightens his grip on Dean’s hand, as if sensing the actor’s discomfort. They move to sit on the sofa beside Sam, and Dean is grateful that Cas seems to feel comfortable enough to sit next to him with his body pressed to Dean’s, shoulder to thigh.

“Why are you here, Gabe? And don’t tell me it’s just to reconnect.”, Cas says and Dean can feel the vibrations from his deep rumble in his own body.

Gabriel sighs, looking momentarily serious. “I did want to see you, the minute I saw your name in the paper, I wanted to see you. But the paper also mentioned the film and the director –“

“And the producer.”, Dean finishes for him and Gabe nods. Dean rubs a soothing hand between Cas’ shoulder blades when he notices him starting to tense up.

Gabe gives him an odd look, which Dean chooses not to interpret, before saying: “I just wanted to make sure he didn’t get you back. Looks like you found something better though.”

Cas puts an unsure hand on Dean’s knee, flashing him a careful smile. “I think I have.”

Gabe claps his hands together and gets to his feet. “Good, well I best be off, I'm a very busy man after all. I’ve given Sammy here my number in case he ever wants to get into my line of work, but it’s also for you to call me. We’ll go out for coffee or something, okay?”

Cas nods and Gabe winks at a blushing Sam, throws a kiss at Jess, and a mock bow at Dean, before heading out of the living room. A moment later they hear the front door slam and Sam sighs.

“He was… something.”, he says, sending Jess into hysterics again for reasons unknown, which earns her a very dirty look from her boyfriend.

“I’m sorry about him.”, Cas says sincerely, but Sam waves him off.

“Don’t worry about it Cas.”, Dean says. “But after all that, are you still up to going to meet my friends? I think we have enough time before I need to go meet Crowley.”

Cas nods. “Sure, maybe we’ll actually make it out the door this time.”

“That’s the dream.”, Jess says, having finally stopped laughing at Sam.

She heads into the hallway, Sam trailing after her and Dean can hear the rustling, signifying them getting their coats back on.

“Can we still go past my flat for clothes?”, Cas asks quietly and Dean nods - he's not convinced he could deny Cas anything right now.

 

By the time they’re all bundled up against the weather, Benny has pulled the car up outside. They make their way through the horde of paparazzi outside and Dean can’t help but smile into his scarf when Cas refuses to let go of his hand despite the cameras that are very clearly pointed at them.

They all slide gratefully into the warmth of the car and soon Benny is taking them across town to Cas’ apartment building. Sam and Jess are asked to wait in the car, but when they get to his flat Cas seems reluctant to even let Dean inside.

“I’ve been here before, Cas.”, Dean reminds him gently and Cas nods, before letting them in. The flat seems almost colder than the frigid air outside and Dean thinks once again how grateful he is that Meg trusted him enough to let him look after Cas, instead of leaving him here.

Cas hurries into the bedroom, leaving Dean in the dingy living area. The couch looks worn and stained, but there’s a colourful blanket thrown over the back and there's a pile of well-loved paperbacks on the rickety coffee table. It warms Dean a little to know that Cas’ life clearly had some small moments of homeliness in it.

When Cas comes back out, he’s dressed in the same slacks he’d worn to work when Dean first met him and a thick, blue, cable-knit jumper that really brings out his already mesmerising eyes. He’s also carrying a duffle bag.

“You packed some of your stuff?”, Dean asks eagerly.

Cas nods. “Yes, provisionally.”

“Right. Provisionally, of course.”, Dean says seriously, but he can’t help the grin spreading across his face.

Cas locks up his flat and together they return to the blesses warmth of the car’s interior. Sam is babbling to Benny about something while Jess looks on fondly, so Dean is content to just settle back into his seat, resting his head on Cas’ shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I'm so sorry this is just a little baby chapter and that you had to wait so long for it. I've been swamped with uni work (I had to write an essay about Holy Sonnets - ew), but hopefully after this weekend I'll be able to post longer/more regular chapters. For now, I hope you liked this little shmoopy, Gabriel filled interlude and yes Ellen will finally appear in the next chapter, I promise! (Also this isn't the last you'll see of Gabe ;) )
> 
> Also a massive shoutout to swedish_short_snout who very helpfully pointed out to me that I'd actually already made Charlie one of the actors on set. That actor is now called Hester, so we can keep the fun agent!Charlie, whom I greatly prefer!
> 
> As always thank you for reading xxx


	11. Until the rubble feels like home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Cas' POV  
> TWs for swearing, offensive language, mentions of abuse, mentions of sexual abuse  
> Chapter title from the song "How You Learn To Live Alone" by Jonathan Jackson (Nashville Cast)

_Five months. That’s how long Cas lives in hell. His mother has told him – in the last phone call they ever have, two months after the wedding – that she doesn’t care how “uncomfortable” he is, as long as he sticks it out for the six months it takes to complete the merger. After four months and three-and-a-half weeks of their marriage, Lucifer gets a visitor. He never usually allows people to stay over in the house – if they want Castiel, they get as long as they need to get off and do their deal with Lucifer and then they have to leave. But one day, as Castiel looks up at Lucifer, watching as he pulls his trousers up, Lucifer speaks to him. Properly speaks to him, it’s not just to hurl insults this time._

_“My brother is coming to stay this weekend.”, he says and Cas is glad he has gotten so good at schooling his expression, otherwise he undoubtedly would have shown surprise – and the bruise on his jaw had just faded. “He’s insufferable, but he is family. You will be on your best behaviour, understood?”_

_Cas nods, but somewhere deep inside he feels himself reach another level of fear. What if Lucifer’s brother is just as bad as him? “Do you want me to behave as if this is… a business deal?”, he asks quietly, keeping his eyes lowered so that he’s looking at the mattress. Lucifer snorts at Cas’ use of the code – it means that in order for Lucifer to close a business deal he’ll let some of his shadier associates use Cas for… well, whatever they want really, whatever they can’t get from anyone else. He casually backhands Cas and looks down at him pitilessly._

_“No, you little whore. Gabriel… he won’t understand that kind of relationship - our relationship. Just get him whatever he wants in the way of sweets and I’m sure he’ll be satisfied.”, Lucifer says, shaking his head as he walks out of the room._

_Cas cheek stings, but it’s overpowered by the thought that maybe there’s one man that he won’t have to let touch him._

_Lucifer is different when Gabriel arrives, he still seems powerful and dangerous, but also more guarded. He doesn’t order Cas around as much, lets him put on clothes and even sit on the sofa next to him. Over the days leading up to Gabriel’s arrival, Lucifer makes sure there are no new wounds any higher than Cas’ collar, or lower than mid-length shirtsleeves – it’s almost as if he’s worried. True to Lucifer’s word, Gabriel seems mostly uninterested in anything that eating sweets in front of the TV all day and going out partying all night. That seems to suit Lucifer as it means he still gets to “spend time” with Cas, but despite Lucifer’s nightly visits, Cas is relatively happy. Because with Gabriel’s constant presence in the flat, Alistair hasn’t been allowed near Cas and he finds himself wishing that Gabriel will never leave. But eventually he has to. The evening before Gabriel’s departure, Lucifer is out on “business” and Gabriel for once decides to stay in. Cas has been ordered to attend to his needs so he hovers awkwardly in the living room while Gabriel lounges on the couch, stuffing his face with chocolate buttons._

_“Hey Cassie?”, Gabriel asks eventually. “Why don’t you come sit down here?” Cas doesn’t like Gabriel’s nickname for him, but who is he to object? He does as he’s told, wincing as a sharp stab of pain goes through his backside. “So what’s it like, being married to my brother?”, Gabriel asks casually._

_The question catches Cas off-guard. No one has ever asked him that, but there’s no way this isn’t a test. “I – he – he’s p-perfect. I l-love him ver-very much.”, he says quietly, hating himself for the way he stutters over what should be a simple answer._

_“Uh-huh.”, Gabriel says, turning back to the TV. Cas watches him from the corner of his eye, wondering when the punishment will come – there’s no way he was convincing. Eventually Gabriel sighs and flicks off the TV. Cas’ whole body tenses as the other man gets off the couch to stand in front of Cas. “Lift your shirt up.”, he orders and just for a second, Cas hesitates – Lucifer had said that Gabriel wouldn’t want this, but not that Cas shouldn’t do it if asked. So he shuffles forward on the sofa, lifting his shirt off over his head as he slowly sinks to his knees._

_“Jesus kid.”, Gabriel says, taking a step away from Cas. It’s not an unusual reaction, Cas knows that whatever good looks he used to have were taken from him by Alistair and his toys. But unlike most of the men, Gabriel doesn’t get any closer again. Instead he says: “C’mon get to your feet – and you can put that back on.” He tosses Cas his shirt, and he pulls it back on, a paradoxical sort of shame flooding his body._

_Cas carefully sits back on the sofa and watches confused as Gabriel paces, occasionally muttering a long string of curse words. This goes on for about ten minutes, then he turns to look at Castiel. “I need to ask you a question, and I need you to be completely honest with me. I promise no matter what you say, no one will hurt you.”, Gabriel says uncharacteristically seriously and Cas almost laughs, because really it’s the other way around: no matter what he says, he’ll get hurt. Gabriel waits for him to nod, then asks: “If I gave you an out right now, no questions asked and told you, you never have to come back… would you leave this marriage and Lucifer?”_

_Cas feels like his heart might beat out of his chest, because Gabriel has just offered him what he’s dreamt of, but what if it’s a trick? What punishment will he have to endure, if he says yes? And even worse, what if it isn’t a trap and he says no and he’s stuck here forever. From somewhere he had forgotten existed, a tiny spark of bravery makes itself known. Before he can second-guess himself, or worry even more, Cas manages to choke out one word: “Yes.”_

* * *

 

 

The Roadhouse which is owned by Dean’s friend Ellen is overwhelming at first. It’s bright, loud, and smells like fried food. But the tough-looking, middle-aged woman who greets both Sam and Dean with a hug and gives Jess and Cas hearty handshakes, makes up for the sensory overload. She introduces herself as Ellen and smiles warmly in a way that reminds Cas of someone – although he can’t put his finger on whom.

“So Dean tells me you’re here for a job.”, she says as they all settle into a comfortable booth – Sam, Jess, and Ellen on one side, Dean and Cas on the other. Cas ducks his head, but nods. “Don’t look so shy, he’s spoken very highly of you – although I’m sure that has nothing to do with the rumours those papers are spouting, right Dean?” She asks sternly and Cas looks up to see Dean blushing and smiling. “Honestly young man, I thought I taught you better than to call people bitches.”

Sam and Jess laugh and even Cas lets out a shy giggle as Dean takes his hand under the table.

“Sorry, Ellen.”, Dean says, although he doesn’t sound all that sorry. “But yeah, Cas is looking for a job away from the influence of certain people… like I said on the phone, it’s a little complicated.”

Cas feels guilt twisting in his stomach, but then Ellen snorts and says: “I’d like to see them try and influence me, I’d finally get some use out of my new shotgun.” There’s another burst of laughter, although Cas is a little shocked. “Well in any case, it just so happens that I need a new server for the lunchtime rush during the week. Is that something you’d be interested in, Castiel?”

Cas nods. “Thank you, yes. I – um – I have a little experience waiting tables and um… I’ll do my best not to disappoint you.”

Ellen smiles. “I should hope so. Now, Dean told me you were a bit sick this week and frankly with all that’s going on, you look like you need another few days of rest. So what do we say, you start next week Monday?”

“That would be – I don’t know how to thank you.”, Cas says, his stomach rolling with excitement and nerves.

Ellen waves a hand. “Psh, anything for my boys. Now, I need to get back to work, but why don’t you stay for an early lunch? I’ll have something sent over.” And with that she’s gone, leaving Cas feeling elated, but guilty at how much Dean has done for him.

“Hey.”, Dean says quietly in his ear. “It’s fine. Whatever you’re thinking, it’ll all be fine. You deserve this.” Cas nods and offers Dean a small smile, which drops when Dean’s phone rings and he swears.

“Hello?”, Dean asks, sounding wary. “No Crowley, I hadn’t forgotten our meeting, Charlie told me it was at 12.” He listens for a moment, then frowns. “What? You know that’s breach of contract right? And what are you going to do? Reshoot all my scenes?” Cas looks over at Sam and Jess who look about as terrified as Cas feels. Dean growls and snaps into the phone. “Fine, you know what? Go right ahead, find someone else, because I quit. That film is a piece of shit and to be honest, I hated it. But you’re still paying me for the hours I’ve worked, otherwise I’m suing you.” He pauses for a moment and then laughs. “Yeah, actually firing someone for their sexual orientation is a hate-crime and I would sue you for that. Goodbye Crowley.”

He hangs up, slamming his phone so hard onto the table that Cas is worried he cracked the screen.

“What happened?”, Sam asks tentatively and Dean sighs, burying his face in his hands.

Cas gently strokes the back of his head until he looks up again. “Crowley wanted to fire me, but as I’m sure you heard – I quit. He said it was because Lisa was more important than I am, but we both knew that wasn’t the reason. I’ll just have to get Charlie to make sure they still pay me.”

Sam swears and Cas grips Dean’s knee tightly. He’s almost afraid that if he lets go Dean will run. “I’m sorry.”, he says quietly and Dean shakes his head.

“Don’t be, Cas. I meant what I said, I hated that film. Besides, it’s not like I really need that money and Charlie said just this morning that I have lots of offers for better roles anyway.”, he says reassuringly, but it does little to assuage Cas’ guilt. Dean must be able to tell because he scoots a little closer to Cas and presses a delicate kiss to his cheek. “It’s fine, I promise.”

They’re interrupted by a tired looking man with a mullet and a huge tray of burgers and fries.

“Hey Ash!”, Sam says excitedly and the server salutes him after putting down the food.

“Hey bro, fancy seeing you back here with this bigshot.”, he says, nodding at Dean.

Dean grins at him. “Sammy’s just here for a visit, but you’ll be seeing me a lot more. Ellen just hired Cas.”

Ash turns to Cas and gives him a slow smile. “Right on man, guess I’ll see you all soon then.” With that he disappears, leaving behind only their food and the distinct smell of weed.

Sam shakes his head as he hands everyone a plate of food. “Honestly don’t know how he’s basically a genius and yet he does this.”

Dean shrugs. “Higher education just isn’t his thing.”

Cas raises his eyebrows in confusion, and although neither Sam nor Dean elaborate, it soothes him a little that Jess looks equally confused.

They tuck into the burgers which are delicious and then Dean announces that he wants to head home so as to start preparing for his interview on Friday. Jess and Sam decide to go do some sightseeing as it’s Jess’ first time in Chicago so Dean books them another taxi before he and Cas are taken home by Benny.

 

When they arrive at Dean’s house, Cas insists on carrying his own bag, but then Dean in turn insists on holding his hand as they force their way through the crowd of reporters.

“Mr. Winchester over here.”

“Dean, give us a smile!”

“Mr. Novak, do you feel like a homewrecker?”

“Dean where’s your brother?”

“Mr. Winchester can you confirm the rumours that you were fired this morning?”

“Dean, how does it feel to be hated by half of the country for your orientation?”

 “Castiel do you take responsibility for breaking up Dean and Lisa?”

The noise is deafening and a couple of times Dean seems like he wants to argue with the reporters, but Cas just keeps a firm grip on his hand while mortification sweeps his body. He never thought that people would be so interested in his relationship with Dean.

When they finally get inside the house and close the door behind them, Dean breathes an audible sigh of relief and Cas makes his way to the living room on shaky legs, collapsing onto the sofa.

“That was intense, huh?”, Dean asks, plopping down beside him, his arm almost automatically reaching out to wrap around Cas’ shoulder.

Cas nods. “I’m sorry.”, he says reticently and Dean tightens his arm around him.

“It’s not your fault Cas. I promise, I wouldn’t lie to you about that. Not ever, okay?”, he says and Cas almost believes him.

 

Lying in bed that night, wrapped in Dean's arms after the other man insisted that he would be able to deal with any "freak outs" - as he put it - that Cas could have, Cas can't help but worry about Dean. He seems to so easily be giving things up for Cas, and he's worried that even though Dean doesn't regret it at the moment, he will soon. And what then? Cas already cares way too much about this fiercely kind man and he isn't sure he could survive not being near Dean - even after such a short amount of time.

"You're thinking too much.", Dean mumbles into his neck. "I can hear the little wheels turning in your head, Cas. It's all okay, you don't need to worry." Cas nods, wanting desperately to believe him, as Dean holds him a little tighter. "You're not going to stop are you?", Dean asks, sounding slightly more awake.

"Sorry.", Cas whispers and feels Dean press a kiss to the back of his neck.

"I told you s'okay Cas. How about I give you something else to concentrate on until you can fall asleep? I used to do this for Sammy all the time.", Dean says and Cas is confused until he hears him start to sing. It's soft, barely audible and Cas can feel the vibrations in Dean's chest more than he can hear the words, but he knows them nonetheless - almost instinctively.

He does as Dean said and concentrates on the words and the way it feels to have Dean surrounding him. He drifts off as Dean gets to the second chorus.

_Years gone by and still_   
_Words don't come easily_   
_Like I love you, I love you_   
  
_But you can say baby_   
_Baby can I hold you tonight?_   
_Maybe if I told you the right words_   
_Ooh, at the right time you'd be mine..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked this, it's a little bit longer (I think?) than the last one. I promised the next chapter will have actual plot in it and i hope to get it up this weekend. In case you were wondering the song is "Baby Can I Hold You" by Tracy Chapman and if you haven't listened to it before, I highly recommend that you do - it's beautiful. xx


	12. A tired search for peace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Dean's POV  
> TWs for panic attacks, swearing and some vague references to abuse, as well as sexual abuse  
> The chapter title is from the poem:   
> "my bones are screaming for release   
> they don’t know how to be strong,  
> how to hold up this body   
> that is crumbling   
> from a tired search for peace" by poetbitesback on tumblr

Dean really, really doesn’t like flying. Everyone knows that - but it’s the only way for him to get to LA and back in one day. He grips the armrests of his seat tightly as the plane begins its descent and thinks of the day he spent with Cas yesterday, just lounging about the house while Sam and Jess explored more of the city.

They hadn’t done anything, just sat together and cuddled, but Dean doesn’t think he’ll ever get rid of the glow in his chest whenever he thinks of the little smile on Cas’ face as he’d drifted off to sleep last night.

Saying goodbye this morning was hard, but it helped that Charlie had arranged a return flight for him this evening. The plane finally lands and Dean breathes a sigh of relief as he feels the wheels hit solid ground. As soon as the seatbelt sign turns off, Dean digs out his phone to text both Sam and Cas that he survived the journey.

Charlie is waiting for him at the arrivals gate and she hugs him tightly, before ushering him to their car. Unfortunately LAX is almost always swarming with paparazzi and they’re immediately swamped by people with cameras, all of whom are yelling questions at them. Charlie links her arm with Dean’s and firmly steers him towards the pick up zone.

“Sorry, no comment. Watch _The Late Late Show_ tonight!”, she tells the reporters with a wink, before bundling Dean into a waiting car.

When they’re finally in the safety of the SUV and driving away from the airport, Dean lets himself relax. Charlie gives him a look of concern, before a mischievous grin spreads across her face. “Soooooo, how’s Cas?”

Dean rolls his eyes. “He’s fine Charlie. How are you? How have negotiations with Crowley been going?”

“Pff that old pushover. If I didn’t know better I’d say he didn’t actually want to fire you. He agreed to make sure the studio pay you in full for the last months.”, she says and Dean snorts at the thought of Crowley having a soft spot for him, reaching out to give her arm a squeeze.

“Thanks Charles. So, what’s on the cards for today?”, he asks and she pulls her tablet from the seat pocket.

“Well,”, she says, tapping away at it. “There’ll be two other guests on, you’ll be the last to be announced. Since you were a last minute booking you’re not going onto the sofa for an interview, so all you’ll have to do is play ‘Spill Your Guts, Or Fill Your Guts’ with James .”

Dean groans. “Any idea what the questions for his game will be?”

“What do you think? It’ll probably have a lot to do with Cas, or Lisa.”, she says.

“Great.”, he grumbles as Charlie pats his hand sympathetically.

She laughs. “It could be worse, he could be asking you the size of little Dean like he did with Jon Hamm.”

 

Dean’s suit fits well, Charlie saw to that, although he isn’t entirely sure about houndstooth print.

“Dean Winchester, everybody!”, the host yells and there’s thunderous applause as Dean walks out onto the set and takes his seat at the round table with James Corden. “How are you feeling, are you ready for this?”, James asks, gesturing at the disgusting looking items on the table in front of them.

Dean grins, letting a little of the false bravado he puts on for moments such as this seep into his smile. “I was born ready.”

James laughs. “Well then, let’s put that to the test. The rules of the game are simple: We’ll take turns reading each other questions. We can either answer the questions truthfully, or eat one of these… delicious dishes.”

The audience groans sympathetically as James reads out the names of the foods they might have to eat, including cow’s tongue, bull testicles, bird saliva, and a salmon smoothie. James goes first, theatrically deliberating as to whether he can reveal who he thought didn’t deserve their Tony award when he hosted. Instead of spilling, James decides to drink the salmon smoothie Dean forced on him and Dean mimes gagging to the audience’s laughter.

James picks up the card with Dean’s question on it and raises his eyebrows, turning to the audience in shocked. “I’m not sure I should ask this.”, he says and the audience boos, while something unpleasant clenches in Dean’s gut.

He puts on a brave face and leans back nonchalantly in his chair. “C’mon man, just ask me.”

James laughs. “Okay then, but remember you can always have some of this delicious cow tongue, if you don’t want to answer.”

Dean wrinkles his nose at the offending item of food. “Sure, it looks delicious.”

“Dean.”, James says pausing dramatically, looking down at his card. “Have you ever cheated on someone?”, he asks and the audience hisses. Dean’s stomach unclenches at the question. This is a little easier than he thought.

He makes a grabbing motion for the cow tongue, making the audience scream, before pulling his hand back and grinning. “Nah, I don’t need to eat that.”

“No?”, James asks and Dean shakes his head.

“Nope. I’ve never cheated on anyone.”, he says and the audience applauds.

James raises his eyebrows. “Really? So all those rumours this week?”

Dean shrugs. “They’re rumours. You can’t cheat on someone, if you were never dating. Some people are just desperate.” He grins – probably looking a little too happy – but at least he isn’t perpetuating Lisa’s lies anymore.

James laughs. “Fair enough, why don’t you ask me the next question.”

“Sure.”, Dean says, picking up the card. “Name your least favourite cast member on _Gavin & Stacy_.” James groans and Dean grins devilishly. “For those of you who don’t know, _Gavin & Stacy_ is a show from the UK that James starred on and wrote.”

The audience groans sympathetically, but starts yelling at him to say it. James shakes his head. “I can’t. I couldn’t possibly – there’s no way I can say it.”, James says and Dean grins, nudging the glass of bird saliva towards him.

“Then drink up man!”, he says and James does as the audience cheers him on.

When James has finished rinsing his mouth out, Dean feels a little of the nervousness return as the host picks up the next card. “Dean. Just this week you came out as bisexual.”, he begins and Dean turns red as the crowd whoops and cheers. “You came out, so your question is: are you dating someone – and if so, who?”

Dean thinks of Cas sitting at home, who will probably be watching this in a couple of hours, when it airs. They haven’t discussed how public their relationship will be – if it even is a relationship – but the papers already know his name. The audience is cheering for him to answer, but James is giving him a sympathetic look.

“You can always eat the testicles.”, he says and the audience laughs, but Dean knows the host is trying to give him an out. But Dean doesn’t want to go into a relationship with Cas by denying him. It’s the whole reason he came out in the first place – maybe if his dad were alive – but not anymore, he won’t lie about Cas.

“Well James, for the sake of honesty – and because I really, really don’t want to have to eat that – I’ll answer your question.”, he begins and James claps his hands, gesturing for him to continue. “I am, in fact, seeing someone –“, he doesn’t get anymore out, because the noise from crowd is deafening. Eventually they calm down and he starts again. “I am seeing someone, as you might have guessed if you’ve seen the tabloids and social media lately. And _he_ is very important to me. His name is Cas and that’s all I’m giving you.”

Once again, the crowd cheers and James gets to his feet, gesturing for Dean to stand too. “Ladies and Gentlemen, he’s been an amazing sport – give it up for Dean Winchester! We’ll be right back after the break!”

The audience applauds as the cameras pull away and James shakes Dean’s hand as they walk backstage. “That was really good, sorry about the questions – Charlie said they’d be fine.”

Dean rolls his eyes. “Of course she did. But don’t worry, they were fine. They actually gave me the opportunity to set some things straight, so thanks for having me on.”

“Any time man, any time. Nice of you to come all the way out here for a ten minute game”, James says before rushing off to get ready for his next segment.

“That was great, Dean!”, Charlie says when he reaches where she’s standing with one of the producers. “The audience seemed to love you! And I’m sure Cas will be pleased that you got everything out in the open – you weren’t even as mean to Lisa as I would have been.”

“Yeah well, you did kick a girl in the crotch in a bar three years ago so…”, Dean says, nudging her in the ribs.

Charlie rolls her eyes. “What was I supposed to do? She called me a fag.”

Dean snorts. “Yeah, I didn’t disagree at the time and I’m not disagreeing now. That bitch deserved it.”

“That’s why I love you.”, she says. “Now, let’s get you back home to your man. We can probably even get you on an earlier flight than we had planned.”

 

Charlie drops Dean at the airport, giving him a rib-cracking hug and saying she’ll be back in Chicago on Monday. “I’ll be couriering scripts over tomorrow and you better look at them young man! Hollywood has not seen the last of Dean Winchester!”, she yells across departures and Dean blushes, trying to ignore the amount of phones that are pointed at him.

He makes his way into the departure lounge and orders himself a drink to steady his nerves, before pulling his phone out of his back pocket.

Before he knows it, he’s dialling Cas’ number. It rings a few times and his heart beats faster when he finally answers.

“Hello Dean.”, Cas says and Dean can’t help the stupid smile that spreads across his face.

“Hey Cas, how has your day been?”

Cas coughs, making Dean wince – although it sounds a lot better than it has the last few days – before answering. “It was fine – quiet without you. We went to the Roadhouse for lunch again – Ellen says ‘hi’ by the way – and then I took Sam and Jess to see the Bean.”

Dean beams even though Cas can’t see him. “Sounds like you had a great day.”

“It was nice. How was your interview?”, Cas asks and Dean sighs.

“It wasn’t really an interview so much as truth or dare. You know that segment ‘Spill Your Guts, Or Fill Your Guts’? I got asked two questions and I actually answered them.”

Cas laughs quietly. “The threat of eating penis was too much for you?”

Dean snorts. “Not the first time I’d’ve had a dick in my mouth, but no. I had enough of the lies with Lisa. He asked if I cheated on anyone ever – I said no, obviously.”

“Obviously.”, Cas echoes encouragingly. “So what was the other question?”

Dean hesitates. “He wanted to know if I was seeing anyone.”

Cas is quiet for a moment, before asking: “What did you say?” He sounds nervous, and suddenly Dean is too. What if he said the wrong thing? “Dean?”, Cas asks again and he sounds heartbreakingly anxious.

“I uh, I said that I was seeing someone. And that it was you.”, he blurts and there’s a long silence from Cas’ end. “Shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… I just – I didn’t want to lie anymore. Or eat testicles. But you’re not fine with it. Listen, I’ll go and call Charlie now. Maybe they can cut my segment from the show. I’ll call you back in –“

“Dean!”, Cas interrupts him.

Dean stops his rambling. “Yeah?”

“It’s okay.”, Cas says.

“It is?”, Dean asks, a little stunned.

Cas laughs quietly. “Yes. I um… I think it’s nice that you said that. I… Did you? Did you mean it?”

“Yeah Cas. ‘Course I meant it.”, Dean says, that ridiculously wide smile spreading across his face again.

“You did?”

“I did.” Dean says, then jumps when there’s a tap on his shoulder. “Uh hang on a minute.” He puts the phone down and turns to see a flight attendant standing beside him.

“Mr. Winchester we’re boarding now.”, the man says and Dean nods.

“Sure, I’ll go with you now.”, he says, getting to his feet. He puts his phone back to his ear as he follows the flight attendant. “Hey Cas, I’m getting on the plane now. But I’ll see you in a few hours, yeah?”

He thinks he can hear a smile in the other man’s voice. “Sure Dean, see you soon.”

“Bye Cas.”

“Goodbye Dean.”

 

There’s no one but Benny waiting for him at the airport in Chicago, when he lands just before 1am.

“How’d it go, Boss?”, Benny asks as they walk to the car. Thankfully there doesn’t seem to be any paparazzi waiting about the airport – not this late at night – and they’re unhindered by people trying to take pictures for once. Dean shrugs in answer. “Well, I saw the segment. You did good.”

“Thanks Benny.”, Dean says. “Can’t wait to be home though, honestly don’t know why I thought I could fly to LA and back in one day.”

“’Cause you hate it there and want to sleep in your own bed.”, Benny says and Dean laughs.

“You know me too well.”, Dean says, pulling the car door open.

Benny puts on Dean’s favourite radio station on the way home and when they finally pull up outside Dean’s house, they’re both glad to see the sidewalk free of photographers – apparently they do sleep after all.

“So what’s the plan for tomorrow?”, Benny asks.

Dean is already out of the car, but he sticks his head back in so the driver can hear him. “It’s the weekend, but I don’t think we’ll be going anywhere. If we are I’ll probably just get a taxi, so consider yourself on vacation.”

Benny grins and mock salutes him. “Thanks chief. See you on Monday.”

Dean waves at him, slamming the car door and heading to the house. He carefully and quietly unlocks the front door. The hallway is dark, but there’s a thin sliver of light emanating out from under the living room door. Dean slips out of his shoes and hangs up his jacket before tip-toeing over to the living room door and quietly opening it.

Cas is curled on the sofa, fast asleep, the TV showing the credits of some movie that had been on earlier. He’s lit by the light of a single, small lamp on one of the side-tables and the soft light coupled with his peaceful sleep makes him look so very young. Dean still doesn’t know how old he is, but it occurs to him now – from the few details Cas has let slip – that he can’t be much more than 23. He’s so very, very young and there’s an ache in Dean’s chest at the thought of how much he has suffered in his short life.

He kneels down beside the sofa, carefully running his hand through Cas’ soft hair. It’s a little damp and Cas is in fresh-looking pyjamas – he must have showered – and Dean can’t help but smile. “Hey Cas.”, he whispers, stroking the other man’s face.

Cas stirs, slowly blinking awake. “Dean?”, he asks, sounding adorably confused.

“Yeah it’s me. How come you’re sleeping down here?”, Dean asks, his hand migrating from Cas’ hair to his cheek.

Cas smiles sleepily at Dean, covering his hand with his own. “Was waiting for you, thought it would be nice for you to see someone when you come in.”

“It is. Thank you.”, Dean says. “Shall we go up to bed?”

Cas nods and takes Dean’s proffered hand, letting him pull him to his feet. Dean wraps an arm around his waist, careful not to put his hand anywhere… untoward. Cas leans against him, warm and solid, and together they make their way up the dark staircase.

Once in the bedroom, Cas heads straight for the bed while Dean gets changed and soon they’re under the warm covers, wrapped around each other like Dean has been longing for all day.

“I liked your suit.”, Cas mumbles against Dean’s collarbone.

Dean huffs a laugh, his breath ruffling Cas’ hair. “Yeah? I did too, Charlie has good taste. What do you want to do tomorrow? Sam and Jess aren’t leaving until tomorrow afternoon.”

Cas yawns. “I don’t mind. Why don’t we see what they want to do.” He burrows a little deeper into Dean’s chest.

Dean smiles like a dolt since he knows Cas can’t see him. “Alright, we can sort it out tomorrow then.”

“G’night Dean.”, Cas mumbles, already half asleep.

“Sleep well, Cas.”, Dean says softly, but he’s almost certain that the other man is already asleep.

 

 

Dean is woken the next morning by Cas trying to inch his way out of his embrace.

“Where’re you goin’?”, Dean grumbles and he hears Cas laugh quietly, letting himself be pulled back towards Dean.

“I was going to make us some coffee.”, Cas says and Dean shakes his head.

“Nooo.”, he whines. “Stay with me.”

Cas laughs and pokes Dean’s cheek with his finger. “Don’t pout, you can come and get breakfast with me. I think Sam and Jess are already up.”

Dean groans. “That’s because they hate themselves.”

“Don’t be mean.”, Cas laughs and pokes Dean’s cheek again until he rolls out of bed.

Dean pulls on a sweatshirt and frowns at Cas. “I’m not mean.”, he pouts and something in Cas’ expression softens.

“No.”, he says quietly. “No you aren’t.”

Dean offers him a smile, which Cas returns. “Breakfast?”, he asks and Cas nods.

They head downstairs to find that Sam and Jess are indeed up and both dressed in workout clothes. “Ugh, don’t tell me you’re going to go to the gym now.”, Dean asks and Sam grins impishly.

“Nope. We’re just back”, he says and Dean rolls his eyes.

“See Cas, I told you they hate themselves.”, he says and Cas pats his cheek fondly before heading to the coffee machine.

Sam snorts. “At least I didn’t nearly have to eat testicles on TV.”

“Oh hush you!”, Jess scolds her boyfriend. “Dean, your interview was great! I’ve only seen good things on twitter this morning.”

“Thank you Jess.”, Dean says grinning, then he turns to Cas who is quietly sipping coffee. “You. You haven’t had any breakfast yet, that’s not allowed.” Cas laughs – something that is happening more and more often lately – and watches as Dean sets about making them some food.

 

They do let Sam and Jess pick, and true to Sam’s weird nerdiness, they spend the rest of the morning and beginning of the afternoon taking a tour of Chicago’s mob and gangster history.

Sam enjoys himself immensely and surprisingly, so does Cas. Dean and Jess spend most of the time exchanging fond eyerolls.

When the time eventually comes for them to say goodbye to Sam and Jess at O’Hare airport, Dean finds himself getting a little emotional.

“Come back soon, okay bitch?”, he asks, as Sam drags him into a hug.

“Sure, jerk. Hit me up next time you’re in Cali.”, he responds and Dean laughs. Dean says goodbye to Jess, and notices happily that Sam insists on hugging Cas too.

“It was lovely to meet you Cas.”, Sam says, as Jess gives him a kiss on the cheek making Cas blush a little.

Dean waves at his big moose of a little brother as he and Jess disappear through security, smiling as Cas takes his hand.

 

They’re sitting in the living room after dinner, when there’s a knock on the door. When Dean opens it, a courier hands him a thick stack of papers packaged in brown paper. He carries them back to where Cas is curled up in a corner of the sofa.

“What’s that?”, he asks quietly, but there’s a note of curiosity in his voice.

Dean flops down next to him, throwing the package onto the coffee table. “They’re scripts. Charlie wants me to start looking for my next project.”

Cas smiles. “Aren’t you going to look at them?”

“Eh.”, Dean grumps. “They’re all going to be gay roles.”

Cas frowns. “What’s wrong with that?”

“Well for one thing, I’m not gay. For another, I don’t want to end up being typecast.”, he says.

“Are you saying you’d prefer a bisexual role?”

Dean frowns at him. “Well no… and also they don’t have many of those.”

Cas raises his eyebrows. “And if they did, would you take the role?”

“I don’t know.”

Cas carefully takes his hand. “Dean, you won’t be typecast because you play one role where you’re with a man. Is this… are you not comfortable being out? Because I’m sorry for the role I played in you having to come out.”

He said it in such a heartfelt way that Dean’s stomach roils with guilt. “No sweetheart, no. I just… I’ve never dated a man openly before. My dad he – well he didn’t exactly approve – to put it lightly and I don’t know if I can just do all that on screen with another man.”

Cas nods. “It’s okay Dean, I understand. Charlie will too. But you should still look at the scripts, Charlie knows you, right? So she won’t have sent you scripts you’re uncomfortable with.”

Dean sighs. “You’re right, she won’t have. And I know LGBT stories need to be told, I’m just not sure I need to be the one to tell them.”

Cas slides a little closer to him, nudging his knee against Dean’s. “I imagine a lot of actors feel that way. At least take a look at the scripts?”

Dean nods and Cas tentatively presses a kiss to his cheek. Dean smiles at him and pulls the stack of scripts towards him while Cas flicks on the television. There’s six in total, and it takes Dean about three minutes to determine that the first two are not for him. They’re both romcoms, one a gay love-story and the other one where he would play the “gay best friend”. He tosses them to the floor and picks up the next one. It’s an action movie similar to the one he was filming for Crowley and he wrinkles his nose at the contrived plot and cliché dialogue.

“Nope.”, he says, flinging that one away from himself too. Cas looks over at him and grins.

“Looks like it’s going well.”, he says and Dean winks, making him blush.

The fourth script is interesting enough, it’s a cop movie, where there’s a twist at the end where it’s revealed that the cop was married to a man the whole time. “Ugh, being gay is not a plot-twist.”, he mutters and Cas leans back, resting his head against Dean’s shoulder. Dean reaches a hand up to stroke Cas’ head while he reads the fifth script.

This one is actually good. Like, award-winning good. Before long he finds himself engrossed in the story. It’s about a football player who is kicked off his team and tries to rebuild his life and break through in the music business.

“Oh.”, Dean says out loud and Cas opens his eyes, having nearly dozed off against Dean’s shoulder.

“What’s wrong?”, he asks and Dean hesitates before telling him.

“There’s this script.”, he begins and Cas snorts.

“Yeah, I got that. Is it good?”, he asks.

Dean nods. “Yeah it’s really good, there’s a lot of depth to the character. I’d even get to do some singing.”

Cas smiles at him. “That’s great!” Dean nods grimly and Cas’ smile falters. “What’s wrong?”

Dean takes a breath before answering. “There’s um. There’s a scene where the character is sexually assaulted.”

Cas looks a little sick, he’s pale and tension has stiffened his whole body.

Dean takes his hand, doing his best to ground him. “That’s why I won’t take it. It’s not something I want you to have to be around.”, he says quietly.

Cas is silent for a moment. “How do they deal with it?”, he asks.

Dean looks down at the script. “He um, he struggles for a while. He’s assaulted by a former member of the football team he was on. But he eventually gets help and reports it to the police.”

There’s a slight hitch in Cas’ breath and he squeezes Dean’s hand, but finally he does speak. “I think you should take it.”

“Cas –“

“No Dean, I’m serious. I think you should take it. Male on male ra- s-sexual violence is often ignored. It- it shouldn’t be.”, Cas stammers, his face pale and his eyes serious. “As long as you feel okay with the filming of course.”

“Yeah, I think… I mean, it’s a female director who’s attached at the moment. I think they’d be respectful.”, Dean says, shocked at Cas’ reaction.

Cas gives him a shaky smile. “I really do think you should do it. Maybe this is the story you’re meant to tell.”

“You think so?”, Dean asks, overwhelmed by the trust Cas is placing in him.

Cas nods, the smile on his face seeming a bit more genuine this time. “Yes Dean, I do. You’re a fantastic actor, if anyone can do this justice, it’s you.”

He can’t help the smile that spreads across his face and he pulls Cas into a hug. “You’re the amazing one, you know that, right?”, he says into Cas’ ear.

Cas laughs a little and Dean, emboldened, plants a kiss on his temple.

 

Later, when they head up to bed, there’s a little bit of awkwardness.

“I um, I’ve put fresh sheets on the guest bed. So you can… have your own space.”, Dean says as they stand in the upstairs hallway.

Cas looks down at his feet and nods. “Yes. Yes, I did say that would be better, didn’t I?”

“Oh. Well.”, Dean says stupidly, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment. “Only if you want, that is. I just – you said you didn’t want things moving too fast.”

“Right.”, Cas says, nodding. “Well… good night, Dean.”

Dean smiles at him. “Sleep well, Cas.” He watches as Cas shuffles off into the guest bedroom, before sighing and heading for his own bed.

It doesn’t feel right somehow, lying in bed without Cas. The bed seems bigger and colder than it ever has, despite them only having shared for a few nights. He tosses and turns and eventually falls asleep on the wrong side of midnight.

 

He wakes a few hours later to a scream. He’s stumbling out of his bed and to the door before he’s even fully awake. He hears another terrified shout as he staggers down the hallway and he bursts into the spare bedroom, ready to fight whoever might be hurting Cas. There’s no one there though. It’s just Cas, lying in his bed, the sheets twisted up all around him, howling in terror.

“Cas!”, Dean says loudly, turning on the bedside lamp. He’s unsure whether to touch Cas or not, but when repeated yelling of Cas’ name does nothing, Dean crawls onto the bed and touches his shoulder. Cas stiffens at the touch and whimpers. “Shh Cas, it’s okay, I’m here.”, Dean tells him, stroking Cas’ face. Cas sobs, his eyes flying open and Dean immediately takes his hands off him, mindful of the last time Cas woke up terrified.

“Dean?”, Cas gasps, his face drawn and pale with panic.

Dean reaches out a hand and Cas clutches at it like a drowning man. “Cas it’s okay, you’re alright. I’m here.” Cas surprises him by turning and throwing himself into Dean’s arms – the first time he’s initiated contact during one of his panic attacks. Dean wraps himself around Cas, as the other man sobs into his chest. “You’re okay, sweetheart.”, he says, the pet name slipping out as easily as it had earlier. He rubs a soothing hand up and down Cas’ back as the other man continues to cry.

“I’m s-sorry.”, he hiccups and Dean just holds him tighter.

He plants a couple of kisses on the top of Cas’ head. “You have nothing to be sorry for. Never, ever. You’re perfect.” Cas shakes his head in disagreement, so Dean kisses the top of his head again. “Yes you are, you’re perfect and you could never do anything wrong in my eyes.”

Distressingly, Cas seems to sob harder at that, so Dean hushes him again and rocks him through it.

Cas finally calms himself enough to pull away a little, and Dean wipes his face for him with the hem of his own t-shirt.

“Don’t apologise.”, he says sternly as Cas opens his mouth to speak. Cas gives him a watery smile and Dean kisses the tip of his nose. “Feeling better?”

Cas nods. “Yes, thank you.”

“Nightmare?”, Dean asks.

“Yes.”, Cas answers, nodding soberly. Dean hugs him again and Cas seems so desperate to be near to him that he grabs fistfuls of the back of Dean’s shirt. Dean does his best to wrap himself around Cas and hold him tight.

“Dean?”, Cas asks quietly, his voice unsure, muffled by Dean’s shirt. Dean waits patiently for him to continue. “Can – could you stay with me tonight?” He sounds so worried – as if afraid Dean will reject him and it’s breaking Dean’s heart.

“Of course. I’m sorry you slept in here. I just thought it was what you wanted. Stay with me in my room from now on?”, Dean asks and Cas nods. “Do you want to go across to my room for the rest of the night?” Cas nods again, so Dean shuffles them both off the bed. “C’mon then.”

He keeps an arm around Cas as they cross the hallway to get to his bedroom and then helps them both under the covers. He lets Cas cling to him and grips the other man tightly in turn. Even after Cas’ upsetting nightmare, they both sleep better, because they're wrapped around each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading the 5K of shit that was this chapter, which like everything else I have written is disappointingly bad. Hope it didn't make you want to throw your phone/laptop out of a window.


	13. You know I've got to try

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Cas' POV  
> TWs for panic attacks, references to self harm, self-hatred or general self-esteem issues  
> The chapter title is from the Rick Astley song "Try" (Don't judge me, he has a new album out and it's pretty good)

The scary thing about the past weeks, Cas thinks, is just how quickly his life seems to have changed. He has someone who really, truly cares about him, he has a safe place to live, and even though he was fired he has a new – much better – job.

Ellen is kind. That’s what strikes Cas again and again as he slowly learns to navigate the restaurant. She comes across as stern, brash, and not a little frightening, but underneath that she has the same kindness as Dean. A kindness that is bone deep and would be impossible for either of them to ever completely shut out. She doesn’t mind that Cas is a little jumpy, or that when one of the waitresses - an overexcitable college student called Becky – shrieked at a text she received, he had to take his break early so he could try to get his hands from shaking.

At the end of every shift, Dean is waiting for him to kiss his cheek and tell Cas he’s proud of him. And Cas believes him, but at the same time… he doesn’t. He hasn’t done anything for Dean to be proud of – ever. Hasn’t really done anything to deserve this happiness and it scares him. It makes him feel hollow with guilt whenever Dean smiles at him over the script he’s studying; makes him want to peel off his skin, when he overhears Dean on the phone to Charlie having to decide on what to say to various magazines why he isn’t on Crowley’s movie anymore.

Dean deserves better than the wreck that Castiel knows he is – he just doesn’t know how Dean hasn’t realised that yet. If he’s honest, that’s why Cas is still paying rent on his shitty flat – because he’s so desperately worried that one morning Dean will wake up and realise what a colossal mistake this whole thing with Cas has been.

It’s been three weeks since Dean went on national television (international if you count the fact that his segment was one of the most watched on YouTube that month, but Cas is trying really hard not to think about that), three weeks since Cas started working at Ellen’s and Dean started prepping for the movie about the footballer turned musician. Cas hasn’t slept apart from Dean since the failed attempt the day of Sam and Jess’ departure and he should be happy, he really should and yet…

Even as he clings to Dean at night and lets the actor kiss his cheek after his shifts, and he knows this is everything he has ever wanted and more, he just can’t stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It’s his fourth Monday working at the Roadhouse and he feels numb, like the dead body he always irrationally feels he might be. He stammers with embarrassment when he has to ask the elderly couple he’s supposed to be serving to repeat their order because it didn’t register in the din crowding his brain. He walks up to the same group of college kids three times in the space of ten minutes, to ask them what they want to drink and never manages to get a word out, and to top it off he almost pours chilli in the lap of a grumpy looking workman because his hands are shaking so badly. It all culminates in him dropping the basin he was carrying the dirty plates in after clearing a table. Some of the guests clap as Ellen makes her way over to where Cas is kneeling in the shards of china. He can feel tears blurring his vision, but he continues to try and pick up all of the pieces of broken crockery, while simultaneously trying to explain to Ellen that he’ll pay for the damages and hand in his notice immediately. He is dimly aware of Ellen saying something, trying to speak to him, but it isn’t reaching him through the fog that seems to have surrounded his brain.

He feels someone guiding him away from the mess, shards of tableware still clutched in his hands, poking at his skin. He’s led out back, into the alleyway behind the restaurant that houses the dumpsters and that Cas knows Ash smokes weed in. The person – Ellen, he’s sure it’s her – tells him to stay there and he does. He doesn’t think he has the brainpower to make any decisions for himself right now. His skin is crawling with shame and his stomach roils with guilt. He slides down the rough brick wall, still clutching the sharp pieces of broken plates – he’s holding on hard enough to draw a thin trickle of blood and a part of him worries that he can see blood, but not feel any pain.

The frigid air cools his skin, numbs it even more and he hopes that this is what it is like to be dead. No sound, no feeling, just nothing.

Except there is sound, a sort of roaring – a car engine? And then footsteps, coming towards him at a fast pace. Cas cowers a little. Surely Ellen wouldn’t have called the police for something like this? He’d already promised to pay for replacements.

Suddenly there’s not just sound, but heat too. He’s enveloped in warmth that surrounds him from all sides. He’s being wrapped in a jacket that smells of worn leather, and motor oil and –

“Dean?”, he asks hoarsely, looking up at the person crouching in front of him.

Dean offers him a soft smile, tugging on the jacket to wrap it more securely around Cas. “Hey baby. Ellen called me, didn’t expect to pick you up so early today.”, he says casually.

Cas sniffs, feels the guilt rise up, threatening to drown him. “I’m sorry.”, he says quietly.

Dean shakes his head and reaches out a hand to wipe a stray tear from Cas’ cheek. “Don’t be sorry. Nothing to be sorry about.”

“I broke Ellen’s plates.”

Dean nods, grabbing Cas’ hands and prying them open until he drops the pieces of china he was still holding. “Yeah. She’s got loads. Don’t feel bad, all of the servers have broken plates at least once in their careers. Ash breaks them about once a month.”

Cas shakes his head. “It’s different.”, he tries to explain.

Dean sits down properly, so that he’s on the cold ground next to Cas, then reaches out and tugs until Cas is basically on his lap, head pressed against Dean’s collarbone. It’s something Cas can’t get enough of: this casual, intimate touching that isn’t at all sexual. It revives something in him he’d thought Lucifer had killed – and it feels a little stronger each time Dean reaches for him. “Why would it be different?”, Dean asks and Cas can feel Dean’s jaw moving against his hair.

“Because.”, he begins, unsure how to explain it. “I’m not as good as them. It’s worse when I make a mistake, because I’m worse. I’m already playing catch-up, this just puts me further beneath them.”, he eventually forces out.

Dean doesn’t say anything for a moment and the thought crosses Cas’ mind that this might be the moment Dean realises just how big a mistake he’s made by letting Cas into his life. But then Dean’s arms move from where they were loosely wrapped around Cas’ hips to engulf him in a tight hug. He presses Cas to his chest with a desperate kind of fervour, and even though Dean still hasn’t said anything, Cas feels a little overcome with emotion.

“You are not worse than them.”, Dean says, when he finally speaks. “You are perfect – no matter how much you might disagree with me. And you aren’t playing catch-up with anyone. You’re exactly where you need to be, unless this isn’t where you want to be – and if it isn’t, you tell me, okay?”

Cas nods dumbly against Dean’s chest. He had honestly expected a break up speech, or meaningless platitudes. Not this, and yet Dean seemed as supportive as ever. But… “But you’re going to get tired of me.”, he whispers and Dean tightens his arms almost reflexively, when Cas speaks.

“Nope. I don’t think that’ll happen.”, he says, his voice rumbling through his chest and against Cas’ skin.

“You will. You’ll get tired of having to do this, of having to constantly reassure me.”, Cas protests and Dean sighs.

“Babe, I braved a TV show where I nearly had to eat testicles, I came out, and I quit a movie for you. I’m not telling you so feel guilty, I’m telling you so you know how serious I am.”, he takes a moment to collect himself and Cas is stunned at how Dean managed to anticipate the guilt that had almost immediately beset him. Dean leans back, loosening his grip on Cas so they can look at each other. “I’m in this for the long haul Cas, none of this is going to scare me away. And if I have to tell you every day for the rest of my life that you’re beautiful, and perfect, and deserve everything good in this world then I will.”

Cas stares into Dean’s eyes that are so serious and passionate, that for a moment Cas can’t even hear the self-loathing voices in his head – the ones that are constantly clamouring for attention – all he hears, sees, feels all around him is Dean. He leans forward and ever so carefully presses his lips to Dean’s in a chaste kiss and Dean is grinning when he pulls away again.

“Better?”, the actor asks and Cas nods slowly. “Good. Now up you get, Ellen gave you the afternoon off and we still haven’t finished watching ‘The Nightmanager’. Personally, I can’t wait to see what happens next.”, Dean says cheerfully.

“You just like seeing Jonathan Pine in a suit.”, Cas mutters and Dean snorts.

“You’re damn right I do, sweetheart. Now come on, I’m freezing and you must be too.” Dean prods Cas until he climbs off Dean and they both get to their feet. The minute they start walking to the carpark, Dean takes Cas’ hand in his, making him smile. When they reach the end of the alleyway, Cas looks around in confusion.

“Where’s Benny?”, he asks and Dean gives him a wide grin.

“Well I was kind of in a rush to get here and Benny isn’t supposed to be needed until this evening, so I took my Baby.”, the actor says excitedly and Cas can’t help but smile fondly. He’s never met a man who loves his car as much as Dean loves the Impala.

They cross the lot to get into the monstrous black car, and Cas has to bite back a giggle at the blissful expression on Dean’s face as he guns the engine.

When they get home – and when did Cas start thinking of it as theirs? – Dean makes them tea and then ushers Cas up the stairs. “We can watch ‘The Nightmanager’ on the TV up there, and I think you need to be in pyjamas.”, he says when Cas looks confused at being redirected away from the living room. And they do. They both get changed into the warm, matching flannel pyjama bottoms and grey t-shirts Charlie had for some reason insisted on getting them and then slide into bed. Dean flicks on the TV and then almost automatically reaches for Cas, wrapping an arm around him so that he’s tucked up against Dean, their bodies pressed together shoulder to ankle.

Cas feels content and warm as he rests his head on Dean’s chest, listening to the other man’s heartbeat. He tries to put his nagging worries out of his mind, as Dean distractedly runs his fingers through Cas’ hair, utterly focussed on the TV show. Cas thinks rather optimistically that maybe – just maybe things will be alright.

 

And they are. Things are alright for five whole months. And then hell comes raining down on them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the very small, mini-update and also kind of sorry-not-sorry for the cliffhanger. I'm hoping to get the next part up at the weekend, I've just been very busy reading 16th century erotic poetry (it's for uni, I swear :D )  
> A quick note on this chapter: I want Cas to be happy more than anyone, but as I have recently learned, even when everything in your life is going to plan, you can still feel like shit and the smallest things can set you off. He will get better (therapy is upcoming), but it won't all just be miraculously fixed within a few weeks just because he and Dean are together. That being said, there will be improvement and the promised happy ending for Cas! xx


	14. Planets keep their distance too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs: Panic attacks, the usual swearing, some violence (non graphic), self-harm, domestic abuse, accidental injuries,   
> This chapter is from Cas' POV  
> The chapter title is from the John Mayer song "You're Gonna Live Forever In Me"

Cas is doing well. He’s still working at The Roadhouse, but he is getting more confident – Ellen lets him do a couple of bar shifts a week now – and he likes his co-workers. Ash is a bit spacey and he honestly doesn’t understand a lot of what Becky says, but they’re kind and don’t mind covering for Cas if he has what Ellen calls a “moment”.

Dean still manages to pick him up most evenings, although sometimes it’s just Benny waiting for him now that filming has started in earnest and Dean has to work late to finish scenes.

On Wednesdays, when he only works the breakfast shift, Cas goes to see his therapist. He’s a weird, skeletally skinny guy called Garth, but he’s unbelievably kind and seems to understand Cas better than even Dean does – especially now that Cas feels comfortable enough to tell him about Lucifer. Garth doesn’t look at him pityingly, doesn’t make the face that even Dean can’t seem to avoid making when Cas tells him about Lucifer – the one that’s a terrible mix of pity and anger – he just helps Cas understand how his experiences affected him. He even gives him a mantra to repeat: It’s not your fault and you deserve good things. Cas wasn’t at all sure how effective saying something like that over and over again would be, but sometimes he actually believes it when he attempts to combat his overwhelming self-loathing.

There’s been some tricky moments. When Cas finally moved out of his apartment and permanently into Dean’s house he had a panic attack that rivalled anything Dean had been there to witness before and resulted in Dean breaking down the door to his bathroom to stop Cas from adding any more scars to his legs. Cas insisted on using his own money to pay for the door repair, but the lock was never replaced – the only thing Dean has asked for since Cas moved in.

Even though they’re now officially living together, their physical relationship hasn’t progressed past kissing and Cas is endlessly grateful for Dean’s bottomless patience – it’s not that he never wants to have sex again, it’s just that he isn’t sure he can handle it yet. Garth agrees that it’s best to wait until he feels completely ready and whenever Cas apologises Dean just smiles and tells him not to worry so much.

So things are going great. Until they aren’t.

It starts with Cas standing in the balmy spring air, waiting for Dean to pick him up from The Roadhouse. Except he never does. Cas waits for an hour, obsessively checking his phone for texts from Dean, receiving nothing but a reminder from Garth that his session will be an hour later than usual tomorrow. Eventually, after calling Dean six times and getting voicemail each time, Cas calls Benny.

“Hey Cas, what can I do for you?”, the driver asks cheerfully, after picking up on the second ring.

“H-hi Benny.”, Cas starts nervously. He still feels a little uncomfortable calling Benny whenever he needs to go anywhere, but – as Dean had correctly pointed out to him many times – it was Benny’s job after all. “I um – is Dean still on set? I thought he was going to pick me up today and usually he texts if he’s running late.”

There’s silence on the other end of the line for a moment and Cas can feel the anxiety rolling in his stomach as he waits for Benny to answer. “Huh.”, is what the driver says and Cas’ heartrate picks up. “That’s weird, I dropped him home a couple of hours ago. He said he’d be picking you up today, otherwise I would’ve.”

“Oh. Well, s-something must have come up.”, Cas says quietly, and he can feel his hands start to shake. Is this it? Is this Dean’s way of telling him it’s over? Will Cas get back to the house to find his stuff on the curb? He realises Benny must be waiting for him to say something so he does. “I guess um. Sorry for bothering you then, I’ll um.. I’ll take a b-bus or something.”, he mumbles, surprised as Benny snorts into the phone.

“No deal, brother.”, the driver says. “I’m already on my way to get you, I’ll see you in five.”

“Oh.”, Cas says stupidly, a little shocked. “Th-thank you.”

“No worries, see you in a minute.”, Benny says before hanging up.

Cas stares numbly at his phone, debating whether or not to call Dean. In the end, he decides not to. Whatever Dean wants to say to him (goodbye?) can wait until they’re face to face.

He’s silent on the ride home and Benny seems to know not to ask any questions, just wishes Cas a good evening when they finally reach the house.

Cas’ stomach is tying itself in nots and the feeling intensifies when he steps into the house and finds it dark. He sticks his head into the living room in case Dean fell asleep in there – he’d left before Cas even woke up that morning, since he had to be on set for 5 am – but there’s no sign of him. Walking into the kitchen, Cas gasps as he flicks the lights on and takes in the scene in front of him. There are beer bottles scattered across the counter and there’s a puddle of what looks like whiskey on the floor, surrounded by shards of glass. Panic claws at Cas as he runs through the house, calling Dean’s name, but the actor is nowhere to be found.

Cas fumbles for his phone and tries calling Dean again, but there’s still no answer. He opens his contacts, trying a number he’s never dialled before.

It rings a couple of times and then Sam’s voice answers. “Hello Cas, what’s up?”, he asks.

Cas takes a couple of breaths, but he can’t quite seem to suck in enough air so his voice comes out shaky and panicked. “Sam, have you heard from Dean? He didn’t pick me up and he’s not home and there’s liquor everywhere and he won’t answer the phone!”

“Shit.”, Sam swears on the other end and Cas can hear him calling for Jess. “Okay Cas listen to me, I should’ve told you this, but I thought… Look, this is right around the time our dad died a few years ago. When that happened… Dean – well he kind of went off the rails. He drank a lot and.. well he did a lot of other things too. But he stopped, he got it under control and he’s been fine the last few years. I don’t know why this year would be any different, but your best bet will be to check the bars closest to you, okay? He’ll probably have headed out to get more booze. I’m going to get a flight out to you as soon as I can….but Cas?”

Cas can barely breathe as Sam dumps all that information on him, but he manages to choke out a “Yeah?”

Sam sighs. “Dean…. When he drinks he’s… He wouldn’t hurt you, but he’s different, okay? Picks fights, pushes people away. Basically his self-destructive streak comes out in full force. If he says anything to you, know that it’s the alcohol talking and that he loves you, alright?”

Cas nods, until he realises that Sam can’t seem him and forces out an affirmative noise.

“Okay buddy, I’ll text you to let you know what flights I can get. I’ll see you soon. Let me know when you find him.”, Sam says, before hanging up, leaving Cas alone, clutching his phone in his shaking hands. It wasn’t that chilly earlier but he suddenly feels like the temperature has dropped in the house. He stumbles into the corridor and pulls on Dean’s favourite coat – a green canvas jacket – before fumbling with the front door until he can get outside. The cool evening air is bracing and he tries desperately to hold himself together; Dean needs him. There’s really only two places Dean could be so Cas rushes down the street to the bar he’s been to a couple of times with Dean and Benny. He never particularly enjoyed it – it’s very fancy – and the bartender glares at him, when he asks about Dean. Eventually she tells Cas that Dean hasn’t been in in weeks and could he please leave because he’s making a scene. Cas slips out of the bar, his whole body shaking with anxiety.

He and Dean don’t go to bars that often, but the only other one he knows is one that’s far enough from their neighbourhood to be considered skeezy and even though Cas really, really doesn’t want to go there, it’s the only other place he can think to go. Dean rarely gets asked for pictures there and he always grins when they go in, telling Cas that it reminds him of his childhood. Cas jumps in the nearest cab, for once not caring about the money he’s spending and the fact that the driver gives him a funny look when Cas tells him where he wants to go.

When they get to the bar, it has started raining and the infamous Chicago wind goes through Cas like a knife as he steps out of the cab.

He can hear loud music and voices coming from the bar, and a cloud of cigarette smoke wafts out as he wrenches the door open. His heart feels like it might beat out of his chest as he looks about the dimly lit room, trying to spot Dean. Eventually he does.

The actor is slumped at the bar, cradling a glass of whiskey in his hand, and he’s scowling at the big, burly guy behind the bar. “Just one more.”, Cas hears him slur as the bartender shakes his head.

“Dean!”, Cas calls, and the actors head whips round to stare at him.

A lazy grin breaks out across Dean’s face and he raises his glass as if toasting Cas. “Look everyone, my boyfriend’s here!”, he yells and Cas’ anxiety ratchets up another notch as the entire bar turns to stare at him. “Hey Cas, say hi to everyone. Everyone say hi to Cas, look how pretty he is!”, he shouts and Cas swallows uneasily as a few of the biker-looking guys who were playing pool in the corner give them distinctly displeased looks.

Cas strides over to Dean and tries to tug him off the bar stool. “Dean please, we should go home. I’ve been worried sick.”

Dean raises an eyebrow. “Oh you have, have you? What a good little wife you are.” He laughs at his own joke and Cas feels as if someone had upended a bucket of ice on his head. Dean had never spoken to him like this before. Never sounded so… mean.

“Come on.”, Cas says again. “It’s time to go.”

“No, I think I’ll stay.”, Dean says obstinately. Cas wraps a hand around his arm and tries to pull him away from the bar, but he’s so afraid of hurting him – of turning into Lucifer – that Dean easily slips out of his grasp.

“I think you should listen to your girlfriend.”, one of the pool players says, stepping towards them with a menacing look on his face that makes Cas whole body stiffen with fear.

Dean finally gets off the bar stool, but it’s just to square up to the man, swaying slightly but with his fists raised. “Hey don’t talk about him like that!”, Dean growls, shrugging off Cas’ fumbling attempts to pull him away from the other man.

The guy looks unimpressed and a couple of his buddies step away from the pool table to join him. “Dean let’s just go!”, Cas begs but Dean ignores him.

“Dean?”, one of the thugs asks, frowning. “I thought you looked familiar, but you’re Dean Winchester aren’t you? Wouldn’t have taken you for a faggot.”

Dean gives him a manic grin that scares Cas in a way he hasn’t been scared in a while. “Well then you clearly can’t read buddy because it’s been in all the papers for a while now. So what do you say we settle this the old fashioned way?”

The men laugh. “The old fashioned way?”, one of them asks.

Dean nods. “Yeah, you insulted my man so now I’m going to punch your teeth in.”

The first one laughs again. “I’d like to see you try, pretty b-“, he starts to say before Dean reels back and punches him square in the face. The man’s head snaps back and when it comes forward again Cas can see its covered in blood. The actor gets about 30 seconds to revel in his victory before the man’s friends have grabbed him and begin beating on him.

Cas feels helpless, but he knows he has to do something. He puts himself in between Dean and the guys and gets an elbow to the face for his efforts. His nose breaks with a sickening crunch and tears spring to his eyes. Some of the bar’s other patrons have decided to get involved and when a heavy set woman with tattoos up and down both arms smashes a table into Dean’s assailants, Cas makes use of the ensuing confusion to grab Dean by the back of his shirt and drag him away from the scuffle and out of the bar.

“Get off me man!”, Dean yells when they’re outside and Cas pulls his hands back like they’ve been burned. He lurches away from Dean and collapses on the pavement, twisting his hands together, trying to get them to stop shaking as he texts Benny, then Sam. He flinches when Dean falls on his ass in front of him, but he manages to summon enough  courage to look up into Dean’s dull eyes.

“Shit Cas, your face!”, Dean exclaims, finally noticing the blood that is still steadily dripping from Cas’ nose. “Fuck, I’m sorry. Was it – was it me?”, he asks and Cas shakes his head. Dean reaches out to touch Cas’ face, maybe wipe the blood but Cas shuffles away from him.

“No. I um. I need you to not touch me right now, okay?”, Cas asks and Dean looks like he’s been stabbed in the gut, but he nods. Cas wants to put his head between his knees and retreat, pretend tonight never happened, but he can’t. He needs to ground himself so he digs his nails into the palm of his hands as hard as he can, knowing Dean is watching him, but at least the actor is respecting his wishes.

Benny finally pulls up and helps Dean into the car as Cas gets to his feet.

“You okay, brother?”, he asks once he’s deposited Dean in the back seat and Cas doesn’t know what to say so he just shrugs and thanks Benny for the wad of tissues he hands him. Cas slides into the backseat and curls into a ball in the far corner, aware that Dean still hasn’t taken his eyes off him.

Cas thanks Benny quietly – as does Dean, who tells Benny that he doesn’t need help getting into the house even though Cas isn’t entirely sure that’s true. He lets himself into the house, hearing Dean staggering along behind him. His heart is racing, his hands still haven’t stopped shaking, but the rest of Cas is numb. He knows Garth would want him to stay calm to try and repeat his mantra but right now all his agitated, frozen brain can think about is what he could have done to make Dean do this. While Dean attempts to kick his boots off, Cas makes his way through the downstairs, turning on all the lights and finally heading into the shower room with its newly repaired door. His nose has stopped bleeding, but his face is soaked with the tears he’s been unable to hold in. He needs something, anything to help drown out the voices screaming in his head, something to kill the numbness, and the panic that Dean’s behaviour is causing and he only knows one way at the moment. He strips and half jumps into the shower, turning the water as hot as it goes – hotter than it ever got in his apartment. It scares him a little, how he doesn’t really feel the heat or the pain that should come with it. It’s just a dull sensation and as he slides down the wall and settles on the floor of the shower his hands start to shake even harder because he’s so desperately afraid that maybe something is wrong with him if he can’t feel this. Maybe Garth is wrong, maybe Lucifer did kill a part of him when he stripped Cas back to nothing and took and took and took – maybe this is all that’s left: a broken, empty husk of a person.

Dean’s usually good about keeping the shower empty of anything that could be sharp enough to hurt Cas, but he’s had to keep his chest hairless for the movie and he hates waxing so there’s a razor lying just above Cas’ head on the little in-shower shelf. He reaches up and grabs it. Part of him knows he shouldn’t, but a bigger part is telling him that this is the only way. He needs it all to stop – just for a little while – and this always works.

It’s awkward without a loose blade, but if he presses hard enough he can get a cut along the inside of his thigh – right where the skin is sensitive and slices open easily. He gasps as the first sharp, stabbing pulse of pain cuts through the numbness, but it’s just for a moment. And he needs it for a longer. So he makes another, and another and the bottom of the shower is tinged pink, and he’s running out of space on his skin, but he needs this. It cuts through his numbness and he deserves the pain it brings – he has driven Dean to self-destruction so this is the least he can do.

He moves his hand to make another cut and finds that he can’t. Someone has a hold of his wrist, not enough to hurt but firm enough to stop him from doing anymore damage. He looks up from his mangled thighs to see Dean, fully dressed, crouching in the shower with him, his clothes and hair sticking to skin.

Cas tries to pull out of his grasp – he deserves this pain – but Dean won’t let him. “Nuh-uh baby, not happening.”, the actor says and the water seems to have sobered him up because he’s not slurring and his eyes don’t look that clouded anymore. He reaches up to turn off the water and Cas tries to speak, but all that comes out is a desperate sob and then he’s being gathered into Dean’s arms, and pressed against him.

His legs hurt and he’s sure Dean can’t be comfortable on the bottom of the shower, but they don’t move for a long time. Eventually Dean gets to his feet, pulling Cas up with him, and bundles them both out of the shower and into towels. Cas still hasn’t dropped the razor, so Dean tugs it out of his hand and when they’re both dry – Dean strips out of his soaked clothes and leaves them on the bathroom floor – he leads Cas up the stairs and into their bedroom.

Cas sinks onto the bed as Dean fetches them both pyjamas and wraps a soft bandage around Cas’ shredded legs. Once they’re dressed Dean comes to kneel in front of him on the floor, one hand tentatively resting on Cas’ knee.

“Do you want me to sleep in the guest room?”, he asks and Cas silently shakes his head. “Do you want any painkillers? Or to call Garth?” Cas shakes his head again at both questions and Dean casts his eyes down.

“Sam’s on his way here.”, is what Cas eventually says and Dean’s head jerks up in surprise.

“Really? Fuck.”, he swears and Cas’ stomach twists guiltily.

“I’m sorry, I just… I didn’t know where you were, or what was going on and I didn’t know who else to call. I’m s-sorry. ”, Cas says, afraid of how Dean will react.

Dean looks like he wants to hug him, but instead he just strokes a thumb across Cas’ knee. “Baby I’m not mad. You had every right to call Sam, I’m glad you felt like you could.”, he says and while Cas doesn’t believe him, he doesn’t want to tell Dean to stop. As much as he doesn’t deserve the comfort Dean is offering, he craves it too. “But tonight? That had nothing to do with you and everything to do with how fucked up I am. I just… he died six years ago today and I got into this thought spiral and kept wondering whether he’d be proud of me – of who I am now?”

Cas sees the honesty in his eyes and he can’t help but ask: “Is it because we’re dating? I know he wasn’t exactly… accepting.”

Dean shrugs. “Yes and no. he wouldn’t have liked it, I can say that for certain, but I don’t think anything I did would ever have been enough for him, you know? I’m just sorry it took too much whiskey and a bar fight for me to figure it out. And I’m sorry it affected you the way it did.”

“You couldn’t have known.”, Cas says quietly.

Dean nods. “No, but I should have. And I’m sorry Cas. I really am.” Cas blinks, not sure how to tell Dean that he isn’t the one who should be apologising – Cas is the one with major issues, not him – but Dean just barrels on. “I didn’t mean to go so far off the rails. I guess thinking about the stuff I used to think about brought out a side of me I didn’t think existed anymore. But it hurt you and I can’t imagine anything worse and I promise it will never, ever happen again.”

Cas nods, a little overwhelmed and Dean’s hands hover as if itching to reach out for Cas. And he can’t stand the guilty look on Dean’s face so he reaches out and yanks at Dean’s shirt collar until he’s off his knees and sitting beside him on the bed. Cas doesn’t speak, just wraps his arms around Dean’s waist, not oblivious to the little sigh the actor lets out as he presses Cas tighter against him.

“Can we sleep? I’m really tired.”, Cas says quietly and Dean nods.

“Sure baby, whatever you want.”

 

Cas wakes the next morning with Dean’s arms wrapped around him and for a moment it’s like none of it ever happened; Dean never got drunk and fought strangers and scared the hell out of Cas. But then Cas feels the throbbing pain in his nose and it all comes rushing back. He can feel the urge to flee rising in his chest so he extricates himself from Dean’s grip as carefully as he can so as not to wake the actor and makes his way downstairs.

He’s hungry but he doesn’t feel like making anything so he shrugs a coat on over his pyjamas with every intention of going on a donut run to the coffee-shop around the corner. He just never gets that far.

For a moment he thinks he’s experiencing an extreme form of déjà-vu because it feels like the beginning of his relationship with Dean. A horde of reporters is waiting on the street and when they see Cas they go wild, flashing their cameras and yelling questions in a deafening cacophony that makes Cas want to curl up into a ball.

“Castiel what happened to your face?”

“Is it true Dean went on a bender and attacked strangers in a bar?”

“Care to comment on the allegations that Dean is being investigated for GBH?”

“Would you describe Dean Winchester as a ‘violent alcoholic’, Castiel?”

“Cas, over here! Are you a victim of domestic abuse?”

“Mr. Novak, do you feel safe living with Dean?”

The questions are hurled at him, fast, dirty, and panic inducing because Cas knows how his injury might look to the outside world – especially if this is how the media are going to spin things – but he can’t find it in himself to explain. He physically can’t open his mouth to tell them that they’ve got it all wrong, that Dean is the kindest man he’s ever met, that he’d never intentionally hurt him – especially not physically! So instead of explaining it to them, Cas just stumbles back into the house.

When he enters the kitchen, Dean is standing there, phone pressed to one ear and a grim expression on his face. He gives Cas a little wave, trying to concentrate on what the person on the phone. He makes a couple of affirmative noises and then says: “Okay, see you in a bit.”, before hanging up. “Charlie.”, he says to Cas by way of explanation and Cas nods silently.

“There are reporters outside.”, he says and Dean sighs.

“I know baby, I’m sorry.”

Cas fixes his eyes on Dean’s socks. “They think you hurt me. That you… that you’re a-abusive.” Dean groans and when Cas finally looks up again, he sees that the actor is holding his head in his hands. “I’m sorry.”, Cas says and Dean shakes his head.

“My fault, not yours. Charlie will be here soon so why don’t you let me take a look at your legs, huh? Just to make sure they heal alright.”, Dean says, gesturing for Cas to follow him into the bathroom. Cas flushes with shame at this so very obvious example of his weakness, but follows Dean nonetheless. He sits on the tiled bench and lets Dean shimmy him out of his pyjama bottoms. The actor’s hands are agonisingly gentle as he peels off the bandages and applies a fresh layer of antiseptic cream to Cas’ thighs and then rebandages them. Cas sniffs and Dean places a feather light kiss on the edge of one of the bandages.

“Still beautiful.”, he reminds Cas, making tears spring to his eyes, although he manages to keep himself under control. “And I think we should go and see Garth later today. He said if we were having issues together he’d do his best to help – and I think last night counts as an issue, don’t you?”

Cas nods and opens his mouth to speak, but he’s interrupted by the front door slamming. He pulls up his trousers and he and Dean go to the kitchen, where they find Charlie sipping from a gigantic takeaway cup of coffee and tapping wildly on her tablet.

“You idiot!”, she hisses at Dean, her head snapping up to glare at him when she hears them enter. “The whole world thinks you’re an alcoholic asshole who beats his adorable boyfriend when he isn’t busy causing grievous bodily harm to strangers in bars!”

“At least they think you’re adorable.”, Dean murmurs to Cas and Charlie goes beet red.

“No! This is not the time for jokes, Dean, this is fucking serious!”, she yells and Cas flinches, moving back a little as Dean automatically steps in front of him.

Dean glares right back at her. “Calm down, Charlie. We can fix this, right? Since it isn’t true.”

Charlie throws Cas a glance and then sighs, seeming to deflate. “Yeah, I’ll do my best. Put out a statement saying it’s all slanderous lies – maybe get you booked on a show. But I can only do so much. I hate to say this, but Cas is the only one they’ll really believe.”

Dean makes a low noise in the back of his throat. “No. I’m not making him do that.”, he says and relief floods Cas, replacing the fear that swamped him when he understood what Charlie was hinting at. Charlie nods, then jumps when her tablet and phone chime simultaneously.

“Fuck.”, she says at whatever she sees on her screen, then half runs into the living room, closely followed by Dean and Cas.

She flicks the TV on, flipping through the channels until she gets to a news show. Cas heart plummets as he sees the person on-screen. Lucifer smiles at whatever the host says, reaching out a hand to smooth back his blond hair.

“Now, Mr. DeVille, I know you’re here to talk about the movie your studio is producing, but we thought you might have a moment to discuss some of last night’s events.”, the host says and Cas’ whole body is rigid with fear. He’s dimly aware of Dean taking his hand and dragging him to sit on the sofa with him, but he can’t tear his eyes away from the screen as Lucifer nods thoughtfully. “A few months ago Dean Winchester came out and started dating a man – that much most of our viewers will know – however what many people don’t know is that the man, Castiel Novak, is your ex-husband. You told us backstage that your marriage ended amicably, so I wonder how it must feel for you to see things like this happen to someone who means a lot to you.”, the host says and pictures appear on screen. They’re blurry but Cas can still make out himself and Dean outside the bar. His nose is bleeding and he is curled in on himself, as if trying to get away from Dean, whose face isn’t visible – unlike the bloodied knuckles on his right hand. That image is quickly followed by one from less than an hour ago. It's a close up of Cas in the doorway of the house, his face coloured in black and deep purple from the bruising, and looking singularly afraid.

The pictures fade away and the screen just shows Lucifer looking regretful. “It’s a terrible thing to happen. There’s never an excuse for hurting your partner, especially someone as wonderful as Castiel – at least the world now knows Dean Winchester’s true colours. He looks to be taking after his father – who was also a violent alcoholic – and Castiel deserves a lot better.”, he says and then looks right down the camera lens. “I just want him to know that should he ever need somewhere to go, I’ll be waiting for him. I’m always there for him. Always.”

The host gives Lucifer a nod of approval. “That was very kind, and I know that we here at Frux News wish Castiel all the best and the strength to leave, should his relationship with Dean be as terrible as it seems to be.”

The show cuts to commercial and Charlie turns off the TV. “Fuck.”, she says again and immediately starts typing on her tablet.

Cas can’t quite remember how to breathe, but he knows that when Dean wraps his arms around him, he could never push him away. He curls into Dean’s chest, pulling himself fully into the other man’s lap and buries his face into the fabric of his shirt.

“You’re okay, baby.”, he hears Dean whisper. “I won’t let him get you. He won’t hurt you ever again, no matter how much bullshit he spouts on TV.”

“I hate to say it again Cas, but I think you’re going to have to be the one to get out there and contradict these rumours. I don’t know who started them, but they’re sticking. You’re both trending on Twitter – and not in a good way. I just think that if you do one show and tell people what really happened, things will be cleared up in no time.”, Charlie interjects.

“No!”, Dean growls. “Cas is not going on TV. It’s not going to happen.” He tightens his grip on Cas and Charlie sighs.

“Fine, whatever. But I’m telling you this is a shitstorm waiting to come raining down on all of us.”, she says.

Cas focusses on the fact that he can hear Dean’s strong, steady heartbeat through the fabric of his shirt and Dean makes a noise of disagreement. “Whatever comes, we can handle it.”, he says confidently. Cas isn’t so sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that you've had to wait so long for this. I've once again been insanely busy with uni work. Thankfully my last deadline is on Monday so after that I'll be able to update regularly!  
> Thank you so much to all of you who have stuck around to read this! xx


	15. Before they dragged you to hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Dean's POV  
> TWs for panic attacks, swearing and some references to abuse and self-harm  
> The chapter title is from this quote by @widowbitesandhearingaids on tumblr:  
> "they say that the loveliest angels make the cruelest demons  
> and my darling,  
> you were so kind and beautiful  
> before they dragged you to hell"

Dean’s head hurts. He’s on his way home after three days of non-stop interviews and press conferences all in between shooting scenes for his film – and yet most of America still seems to believe that he’s a violent drunk who beat Castiel. Charlie did her best, but this is his fault: he shouldn’t have gotten drunk, should never have let his dad fuck with his head from beyond the goddamn grave. He feels himself relax as Benny pulls up to the house and thanks anything remotely godlike that might be listening that there aren’t any reporters outside the house.

He wishes Benny a good night and heads into the house, smiling when he hears Sam and Cas’ voices in the kitchen. He hangs up his jacket and kicks off his boots, before going to join them. Sam is tossing salad in an absurdly large wooden bowl that Dean is 90% sure he didn’t buy, and Cas is hunched over a cup of tea at the breakfast bar. When Dean walks into the kitchen though, he straightens up and offers a him an unsure smile. “Hello Dean.”, he says quietly.

“Hey Cas, how was your day?”, Dean asks, sitting next to him at the bar.

Cas shrugs. “Quiet, Ellen sent me home early. Said I was… spacey.”

Dean sighs and presses a kiss to Cas’ temple. “I’m sorry darlin’. Do you want to set up another appointment with Garth?”, he mumbles into his hair and Cas shakes his head while Sam fake gags into the salad at their PDA. Dean flips him off, it’s his damn kitchen.

Cas buries his face in the space between Dean’s neck and shoulder. “No, I’m seeing him the day after tomorrow anyway. I’ll be fine. I’m just… so tired of all this.”

Dean’s stomach twists guiltily. He still can’t believe he’s put Cas through all of this – and he can’t believe Cas has stuck with him. If he were Cas he would have left already, would never have got involved with Dean. He should give Cas up, he would if he weren’t so selfish, but he can’t. He loves Cas too much to let him go, if he were a better man maybe he could – then again, if he were a better man he’d never have gotten drunk and let Cas get hurt in the first place. If he were a better man, he wouldn’t slowly be turning into his father.

“Hey Dean, you need to snap out of it and pay attention.” Sam’s voice jerks Dean from his thoughts. He looks up to see Sam frowning at him in concern.

“Huh?”, he asks and Sam rolls his eyes at him. Cas just curls a hand around the back of his neck, one thumb rubbing a soothing pattern across the knobs of his spine.

“Sam was asking when you wanted to have dinner.”, Cas says quietly.

Dean offers him a small smile and shrugs at Sam. “Whenever you guys are ready. But I have to be up early for work tomorrow so I’d prefer sooner rather than later, if that’s okay?”

Sam nods. “Sure, let me just drain the pasta and we can eat.” Dean watches as his brother bustles about the kitchen. He leans into Cas’ grounding touch.

“What time is Benny picking you up?”, Cas asks.

Dean groans at the thought. “Ugh at 5 am. We’re filming scenes from after the attack so they need to do heavy injury make-up.” Cas makes a sympathetic noise. “You don’t have to get up though, you should rest. I know all of this is hard for you.”, Dean tells him.

Cas huffs a tiny laugh. “Understatement. But I’ll get up to see you off at least. I won’t get to see you at all until the evening, otherwise.”

Dean leans in to kiss him, Cas taking advantage of the hand already on the back of Dean’s neck and using it to pull him close. “I appreciate it.”, Dean whispers, smiling against Cas’ mouth. He pulls away when Sam loudly bangs a pot of pasta and creamy sauce in front of them. “Hey, watch it bitch.”, Dean complains. “That pot was expensive.”

Sam rolls his eyes and pulls a face, although he smiles at Cas who has left Dean’s side to get them all bowls. “Shut up jerk, just eat your food. And don’t forget to take salad.”

Dean scowls as Sam loads up their bowls with delicious pasta and Cas hands out enormous portions of salad.

They eat at the breakfast bar in companionable silence, and when they’ve finished Sam excuses himself to go and call Jess.

“I’ll be hitting the hay soon, so I’ll see you tomorrow evening okay?”, Dean tells him before he leaves and Sam smiles.

“Sure Dean, sleep well. You too Cas.”

“Say hi to Jess from us.”, Cas says quietly.

Dean watches his moose of a brother disappear into the living room, already animatedly talking to Jess and smiles. It’s nice to see Sammy, even under these circumstances.

Cas slides off his seat to clear the dishes away and Dean helps him even though he can barely keep his eyes open. When the kitchen’s finally clean, Dean lets Cas tug him up the stairs and into their bedroom. Dean decides to just sleep in his boxers and crawls into bed as soon as he’s stripped out of his clothes. Cas does the same although a little more gingerly. His face is still discoloured and Dean knows it must be tender and sore, which is why Cas pulls the collar of his shirt as far away from his face as possible. He performs a similar manoeuvre with his jeans, doing his best to wiggle out of them without aggravating the fresh scabs that have formed on his thighs.

“Hey, leave those off for a minute and come here.”, Dean says as Cas picks up his pyjama bottoms. Cas raises his eyebrows, but drops the item of clothing before sitting on the edge of the bed next to Dean. “How’re your legs?”, he asks, looking at the mass of cuts marring Cas’ skin. The ones he might as well have put there himself.

Cas sighs. “I’m fine Dean.” Dean nods, still looking at the cuts and gently traces the edge of one of them with his thumb. Cas takes his hand, squeezing it gently. “Hey, these weren’t your fault. Neither is the rest of this. Should you have got involved in a bar fight? No. But you didn’t hurt me, no matter what those idiots at FRUX news say.” Cas’ blue eyes are earnest and he’s still clutching Dean’s hand and the worst part about what he’s saying is that Dean knows he means it. Cas honestly doesn’t blame him.

“I love you.”, he breathes and Cas blinks, a little startled. They’ve both known it for a while now, but neither of them have said it before and honestly, Dean never thought he’d be the one to say it first.

But then Cas smiles. It’s shy, but full of joy. “I love you too.”, he says quietly and Dean thinks his heart might shatter from how startled Cas looks by the realisation – that he loves someone and is loved in return.

“Come to bed, sweetheart.”, Dean says and Cas smiles, forgoing his pyjama bottoms and crawling up the bed to slide under the covers next to him. Dean drapes an arm over Cas as the other man cuddles up to him and presses his nose against Dean’s neck, smiling contentedly.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean wakes up to Cas gently running his fingers through his hair. “Mmph.”, he mumbles and he hears Cas chuckle.

“Wake up baby.”, he rumbles and Dean lets out a groan which turns into a yawn. He noses at Cas’ thigh which is next to his face – Cas must be sitting on the edge of the bed – and Cas rubs the back of Dean’s neck. “C’mon Dean, I got you bacon. And coffee.”

Dean opens his eyes and looks up at Cas. “Bacon?”

Cas grins. “Yeah.”

“And coffee?”, he asks and Cas nods. “Jesus, you’re perfect. What did I do to deserve you?”

Cas shrugs. “Nothing. I’m the lucky one. Now sit up, your bacon’s getting cold.”

Dean shuffles up the bed and Cas places a tray with a plate of bacon and eggs, and two mugs of coffee on his lap. “Seriously, I love you.”, Dean says, pulling Cas in for a kiss.

Cas smiles into it and then steals a piece of bacon of Dean’s plate. “I love you too. Now eat up, Benny’ll be here in half an hour.”

Dean eats his breakfast, with Cas curled up in bed beside him and then slides out of bed to shower and get dressed.

He makes Benny wait an extra five minutes, because he’s too busy saying goodbye to Cas, but eventually he kisses him goodbye a final time in the doorway. Cas is wrapped in a plaid dressing gown and his hair is tousled and Dean thinks his heart hurts with how much he loves him as they drive away.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean sighs when Benny drives up to the studio gates and unlocks the car doors. Dean’s new bodyguard – that the studio insisted on due to the public’s reaction to the persistent rumour that he’s an abusive alcoholic – slides into the car.

“Hello Mr. Winchester.”, the man – Al, Dean thinks his name is – says in that irritating voice of his. It’s high and strangely nasal and grates on Dean’s every nerve, especially this early in the morning.

“Good morning.”, he says for manners sake. They drive onto the studio lot and Dean arranges for Benny to pick him before they collect Cas from his shift at the Roadhouse. Then Dean – trailed by Al – makes his way to the make-up trailer.

It takes two-and-a-half hours for the various cuts and bruises to be painted on his face and torso and Al hovers unpleasantly in the background the whole time. Dean is desperate to just go and start recording his scene, but the studio has sent a photographer onto set to take behind the scenes pictures to help promote the film. So Dean has to pose, shirtless, in the make-up trailer and pretend that he isn’t incredibly uncomfortable. Then there’s a reporter who is there to do a mini-interview for the magazine’s Instagram story. Dean smiles as he answers questions about the film and pointedly avoids the one asking about his relationship with Cas, except to say that they’re very happy together.

Eventually though, he’s called onto set and he’s allowed to do his job. The scene is difficult: his character is dealing with the aftermath of the sexual assault he experienced and he has to act out a scene where he’s examined in a doctor’s office several times. It’s uncomfortable, but he knows that it was important to the screenwriter to include it, since it is something that often frightens victims of rape, and Dean wants to do it justice.

When the director finally calls for a lunch break, Dean settles into his trailer with a sandwich and decides to pass the time by checking his phone. He has a bunch of Instagram and Twitter notifications reacting to the Instagram-interview he did earlier and oddly enough, twelve missed calls from Sam.

He dials his brother. “Sammy if we’ve run out of salad, that’s not a good enough reason to call me that many times.”

“Dean shut up!”, his brother yells at him, his voice that odd pitch it only goes when he’s scared.

Dean’s stomach clenches with fear and he can feel his hands shaking. “Sam? What’s going on?”

“Cas is gone, Dean.”, Sam says and Dean feels like his heart has stopped beating. His mouth is dry and he can’t quite draw a full breath.

He clutches the phone tighter. “What do you mean, gone?”, he breathes.

Sam gives a half-crazed laugh. “Exactly what it sounds like. He was at work, and I went for my daily gym session and when I got back there was a note from him on the kitchen counter and his clothes are gone from your bedroom – I checked.”

Dean gets to his feet and grabs his coat. He bursts out of his trailer, startling a passing PA half to death. “You.”, Dean snaps at the girl. “Get me a car now. And tell the director that I have to leave and won’t be back on set today. Tell her it’s an emergency.”

The PA blinks. “But, Mr. Winchester…”

“Now!”, Dean roars and the girl squeaks and runs off. He raises the phone back to his ear. “I’m on my way back now Sammy. Don’t touch anything else, we might need to call the police.”

“Police? Dean are you sure?”, Sam asks.

“Yes!”, Dean growls. “I’ll be home as soon as I can.” He hangs up, stuffing his phone in his pocket, just as the PA comes scurrying back over to him.

“There’s a car waiting for you at the gates Mr. Winchester.”, she says.

He nods at her in thanks and starts running towards the gates, ignoring Al calling after him. True to the PA’s word, there’s a town car waiting for him. Dean jumps in and gives the driver his address. “I’ll give you two hundred bucks if you can get me there in 20 minutes.”, he says and the driver just nods and steps on the gas.

The man gets Dean home in seventeen minutes so he gets his promised money. Dean just about throws it at him and jumps out of the car. Sam must have been waiting by the window because he opens the door when Dean is halfway up the garden path, which is probably a good thing since his hands are shaking so hard he can’t hold his keys properly.

“The note’s in the kitchen.”, Sam says the minute Dean sets foot in the house. Dean sprints into the kitchen and sees a single sheet of yellow legal paper lying next to the tray from their breakfast.

He picks it up but his hands are still shaking so hard that he can’t read it. He holds it out to Sam, who takes it with a sad look on his face. “Can you? Please… I just… I can’t.”, he asks and Sam nods.

“Sure Dean. Um. Here goes:

Dear Dean,  
First off I need you to know how much I love you, and how much our time together means to me. You have saved me hundreds of times over and I have fallen for you in every way imaginable – in ways I didn’t think possible or that I would get to have. This is what I need you to know above all: that I love you. I love you and I’m sorry I have to do this.  
But I can no longer be with you. The altercation a few days ago proved that. You were violent in a way you promised never to be. I can’t deal with what you’ve done, or with all the media attention that has come with it. You scared me and I don’t feel safe staying with you anymore, so I have to leave you to be with someone who can look after me.

I’m sorry.

Castiel.”

Dean isn’t quite sure what’s going on, but he knows that his legs aren’t keeping him upright anymore. He sinks onto the kitchen floor, ignoring the way Sam calls his name worriedly. “He left me.”, Dean breathes as Sam crouches down in front of him.

“Dean, you know this isn’t right. The last half of that letter sounds nothing like Cas.”, Sam says and Dean shrugs.

“Maybe, but I can’t disagree with it. I was violent. I did scare him. How can I blame him for leaving?”, he asks, tears coming to his eyes and he clenches his fist to keep them at bay.

Sam grips his shoulder. “Dean? Look at me. This was not Cas. Something else is going on here, you said so yourself that you might want to call the police. Think about this morning, you saw Cas right? How was he acting?”

Dean looks at his little brother. He wants to believe Sam so badly, but there’s a part of him – a guilty, scared part – that wonders whether Cas did leave because of him. Sam raises his eyebrows and Dean sighs. “He was… He was fine, normal I guess. He got up even earlier than me to make sure I had breakfast… and then we had bacon and eggs in bed.” His voice cracks as he speaks and Sam tightens his grip on his shoulder.

“See, Cas was normal. He loves you, and he did not leave you. I don’t know what’s going on, but we are going to find out and we are going to find Cas and get him back. I’m going to make some calls.” Dean stares at how confident his brother sounds and just nods silently.

He picks up the letter and stares at Cas’ elegant handwriting. The page is crumpled and there are spots on the paper where tears have clearly fallen. Dean lets his own fall and tries to ignore Sam throwing him sympathetic looks. He wipes his face, Sam is right. Something is off about this whole thing, and they need to help Cas.

“So get this.”, Sam says to him, putting down his phone. “Ellen says that Cas clocked off early because he had a migraine, but he got into a limousine she hadn’t seen before. She said she assumed you sent a car for him. I spoke to Meg too, and she says she hasn’t heard from him, but that if we need any help we’re to call her. She also said she thinks Lucifer is behind this.”

Dean’s stomach turns to ice, because Sam – or rather Meg – have finally said what he’s been worried about since Sam called him on set. That Lucifer is behind this, that he has Cas and is doing God knows what to him. And Dean had promised he'd never let that happen to Cas again. “What do you think we should do? Call the police?”, Sam asks and Dean shakes his head.

“No. They wouldn’t do anything since we don’t have any proof.”, he says and Sam sighs.

“So what do we do?”, Sam asks.

Dean looks grim and pulls out his phone. “This.”, he says and dials a number, praying that its owner will pick up. The phone rings and rings, but finally someone answers. Dean takes a steadying breath. “Hi, Gabriel? This is Dean Winchester. I need your help.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys liked this and sorry for leaving it on a bit of a cliffhanger. The next chapter will be up soon, hopefully this weekend!  
> As always, thank you for reading xx


	16. You told me you were gonna get me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Cas' POV  
> TWs for swearing, depictions of abuse, depictions of violence, references to rape (no actual rape in chapter), threats, references to self-harm, non-consensual kissing, suicidal thoughts  
> Chapter title from the Halsey song "Trouble"

Cas yawns as he hands Ash the order ticket and the other man grins. “Dean keep you up all night?”

Cas shakes his head, blushing a little. No matter how many times he tells Ash that it isn’t like _that_ with Dean and him, the recently promoted cook still insists on teasing him. “No, Dean had to be in work early so I got up early with him to make sure he had breakfast.”

Ash grins as he flips a burger. “Aren’t you a good little husband. So I take it Dean’s still treating you right?”

Cas sighs. “He is, although you and Ellen might be the only people who believe it.”

Ash plates up Cas’ order with a frown. “Yeah man, the whole situation is whack. Anyone who had actually seen you and Dean together would know how in love with you he is.” Cas goes red again and Ash laughs. “Go on, go bring your table their food before they complain and Ellen skins you alive.”

Cas loads the plates Ash has handed him onto his tray and heads out onto the main floor. He serves the group of hungover-looking college students their food, then brings them another round of coffee. The students all look ridiculously grateful and Cas smothers a grin. He turns back to the counter and puts away the coffee pot. Ellen is behind the bar and gives him a motherly look.

“You look tired Cas. Those students look like they’re taken care of, so you go ahead take your break, okay hun?”, she offers and Cas smiles.

“Thanks Ellen, some fresh air might do me some good.”, he says. Ellen gives him a warm look and he goes to collect his coat from the hallway outside her office.

The air is cool when he steps out of the Roadhouse and Cas smiles, finding it actually does alleviate his tiredness a little to be outside. He leans against the wall and closes his eyes with a smile. Things with Dean still feel a little… off, but why should Cas care about what the rest of the world thinks of them. Dean loves him – he told him so only last night – and Cas loves Dean. Cas has never had that before, he knows that his family never loved him, perhaps no one ever had. No one except Dean.

He sighs and slowly blinks his eyes open again to see a sight that makes his blood run cold.

“Penny for your thoughts?”, Lucifer asks and Cas feels as if all the air has been knocked out of his lungs. “Aw, surprised to see me, Cassie? I don’t know why. Granted, I’ve left you alone a lot longer than I wanted, but I told you didn’t I? I told you I would come for you. That idiot Winchester has made it all too easy for me, the whole world thinks you’re just a poor battered spouse.”

“Dean would never hurt me.”, Cas grits out, finding his voice again.

Lucifer laughs and the sound of it hurts Cas somewhere he’d almost managed to forget about. “Oh I’m sure he wouldn’t, but right now I think you’re the only one who believes that. And everyone else would be all too happy for the rich, kind producer to save his ex-husband, whom he still cares for, from a doomed relationship with a violent alcoholic.”

“You say that as if I’ll be going somewhere with you.”, Cas says and Lucifer smiles and reaches out to caress his face. Cas recoils in disgust and something twists inside of him as Lucifer runs disturbingly gentle fingers across his skin.

“You will. You are my property and you never had my permission to leave in the first place. The only reason you could was because of my meddlesome brother, but he’s not here now. So you will be coming with me and go back to being the husband you swore to be when you married me.”, Lucifer hisses.

Cas hasn’t been so scared in years and he finds himself fervently wishing Dean were here. But he isn’t, so Cas will have to help himself. “I won’t. You can threaten to do whatever you want to me, but I will never be your husband again. I will never let you use me and hurt me again. I’d rather die.”

“That.”, Lucifer says menacingly, a manic glint in his eye. “Can easily be arranged. But I don’t need to threaten you. You know you’re worthless, so I can’t threaten you. Dean on the other hand…” He trails off with a grin and Cas would take a step back, if he weren’t pressed against the wall. Lucifer snaps his fingers and a henchman that Cas doesn’t recognise steps forward with an iPad. Lucifer takes it shows it to Cas, pressing play on a video.

It was posted on some magazine’s Instagram and shows Dean on set, answering some inane questions. Cas looks at Lucifer in confusion. “So you know where Dean is, the film he’s working on isn’t exactly a secret.”

Lucifer sighs. “You always were dim. Look behind him, see anyone you recognise?”

Cas stares at the screen again and he knows Lucifer can tell the moment he recognises the person hovering behind Dean, dressed like a bodyguard. “Alistair.”, he breathes and Lucifer laughs.

“Yes, rather clever wasn’t it? It was so easy to get him assigned to Dean, laughable really. Now all I need to do is call Alistair and your little boyfriend is mine. You think I hurt you in the past, that is _nothing_   compared to what I’ll do to Dean. Hell on earth, I think, is the phrase that will describe it best.” Lucifer’s face is inches from Castiel’s and Cas can barely see straight, barely think. All he knows is that he will _never_   let him touch Dean, never. “So what do you say Castiel, will you come with me, or should I give Alistair a call?”

Cas shakes his head and Lucifer sighs. “Cassie you know the rules: Speak.”

“No.”, Cas rasps. “You can’t have him. I’ll… I’ll go with you.”

Lucifer smiles like a snake that’s finally caught the mouse it’s been stalking. “Good, now run in there and tell your boss you’re sick and we can be on our way.”

He steps away from Cas, who walks back into the Roadhouse on shaky legs. Ellen looks up at him and her face creases in concern. “Castiel, are you okay? You look a little pale.”

Cas nods. His throat seems very dry, but he can’t get the image of Alistair standing next to Dean out of his mind. This isn’t about him. It’s to help Dean. “Um yes. I’ve got an… I have a migraine. Would it… I’m sorry, but could I go home?”

Ellen nods. “Of course. Do you need me to call Dean?”

“No!”, Cas says sharply. “Sorry, I just. I have a ride.”

“Okay, well… feel better.”, Ellen says, although she looks a little apprehensive.

Cas gives her the barest approximation of a smile before turning and walking towards the door. It feels like the longest journey of his life. On the other side of that door is Lucifer, who is waiting to do who knows what to him. But this isn’t about him anymore – it’s not even about Lucifer and his sick games – it’s about Dean and keeping him safe, even if that means going back to Lucifer and the person he forced Cas to become all those years ago.

Opening the door is the hardest thing he’s ever done and he finds himself praying for Dean to have quit work early and show up to take him away. But Dean is with Alistair and no one is coming to help him. Lucifer gives him that cold, cold smile as he steps outside and then inclines his head towards the black towncar that is idling in the parking lot. The huge man who had held the iPad steps behind them, blocking Cas’ escape and guides them towards the car.

Cas slides inside and forces himself not to flinch as Lucifer grips the back of his neck painfully and drags him towards him for a kiss. When he finally releases Cas, he smiles. “There now. Isn’t this better? You’re back in your rightful place and Dean can go on being a mediocre actor.”

“I… I need to tell him. A note or something. I c-can’t just leave. He – Dean – he’ll come l-looking otherwise. Please.”, Cas asks, and he hates how he’s already falling back into old habits, begging Lucifer for things that should be given freely.

Lucifer rolls his eyes. “Fine. I suppose we need to make it convincing.” He pulls a notepad and pen out from the door pocket. “Here. Write what you have to, but don’t tell him where you’ve gone. Just tell him what he needs to hear. That always was one of your specialities… once you were broken in that is.”

Cas takes the writing materials and starts to write. His hands shake and he can’t help the tears that fall from his eyes and onto the paper. He’s halfway down the page, and he still hasn’t been able to say goodbye. Beside him, Lucifer sighs impatiently and pinches him painfully in the thigh, right where his self-inflicted wounds were just beginning to heal – the ones Dean had so gently cleaned and dressed. “This isn’t a love letter Castiel, write what I tell you to write: I can no longer be with you. The altercation a few days ago proved that. You were violent in a way you promised never to be. I can’t deal with what you’ve done, or with all the media attention that has come with it. You scared me and I don’t feel safe staying with you anymore, so I have to leave you to be with someone who can look after me.”

Cas does as he’s told and writes down every word exactly as Lucifer dictates it to him and signs his name. Just before he folds up the note however, he can’t help himself and adds an “I’m sorry.”, just above his signature.

“Good.”, Lucifer says. “Now you can go into the house with Bart here and leave that note. He can clear out your stuff. We don’t want to leave anything behind. A clean break, that’s what Dean needs to get a little whore like you out of his life.”

The car door opens and Lucifer’s henchman is dragging Cas out and up the path to Dean’s house. They must have timed it well – or been watching the house – because Dean isn’t back yet and Sam is out at the daily gym session he’s insisted on going to while staying with them. Bart pokes Cas sharply in the ribs and he walks into the kitchen where he puts the note for Dean on the counter. Then the man drags him up the stairs where he watches as Cas puts all the clothes and the meagre possessions he owns into a dufflebag. He has thirty seconds to look around the bedroom he had been so happy in, before he’s being forced down the stairs, out of the house and back into Lucifer’s car.

“Is it done?”, Lucifer asks and Cas nods. This results in a sharp slap across his face. “Speak when you’re spoken to Cassie.”, he says angrily.

“Yes.”, Cas says and Lucifer frowns.

“Yes, what?”

Cas swallows, the whole thing so achingly, excruciatingly familiar. “Yes, sir.”

Lucifer nods his approval. “Very good. Although I can tell we have our work cut out for us. You need to be taught to behave again. Not to worry, I have just the man for the job. He won’t need to watch Dean anymore after all.”

 

* * *

 

 

Cas has never been to Lucifer’s new house, but it doesn’t matter much. Just being there in the same house as Lucifer – locked alone in an empty bedroom –  brings back the memories of the abuse, the beatings, the rape. He’s not sure that he’ll make it through it all again. At least Dean will be safe though. That’s all that matters.

Dean wouldn’t agree with that, a part of him – the recently healed part – whispers: He’d want you to be strong, to get away. Would he though? Was Castiel really worth the constant threat created by Lucifer? He had so much power, it wouldn’t just be physical abuse – he could see to it that Dean never worked again. So Cas can’t escape, but he doesn’t have to stay with Lucifer – he can’t, not again. He doesn’t have to make it through, at least not alive. It’s not like he’ll ever see Dean again away, or get out of here unscathed. Lucifer would never let him go. But maybe there was a way to ensure that he never touched Cas again. He could do it, he could do it and save himself forever.

Before he can continue any further down that train of thought, however, someone unlocks the door and steps in. Cas is afraid to look up, but he’s even more afraid not to.

“Hello Castiel.”, that oily, hair-raising voice says and Cas looks up to see Alistair stepping into the room, his favourite whip in hand. Cas knew this was coming, Lucifer had as good as told him, but he somehow still wasn’t prepared for it. Cas feels his bladder empty itself and Alistair smiles like he knows exactly what just happened. Cas can’t find it in himself to resist as Alistair strips him of his clothes and ties his hands to the bedframe.

“Well then, let’s get started, shall we?”, he asks and Cas thinks that if it’s possible, he might pass out from fear. He doesn’t feel the lash of the whip at first, for a moment it’s just a noise. But then there’s heat and then pain, unbearable pain and if he didn’t know that he’d survived it before he’d be sure he was about to die. But there’s another lash, and another, and another, and it just keeps going until he eventually passes out.

When he wakes up, everything from his shoulders all the way down to the backs of his thighs feels like it’s on fire. The bedroom is dark and he knows that it must be night, however Lucifer mercifully seems to have decided to leave him be for the minute. The relief is so strong that he goes right back to sleep.

He’s woken by a bucket of water being thrown across him. He gasps awake, trying to sit up to get away from the soaked pillows that he’s drowning in, but his ties only allow him to move so far.

He hears someone tutting and then Alistair is kneeling down beside him. “Look at you. You’re in no state for even a dog to want you. Luckily for you, the boss wants you to learn to behave a little better before he sees you again. So it’s just you and me for the next few days, Castiel. How do you feel about that?”

Something in Cas stirs, something that feels a little like Dean. “Fuck you.”, he snarls. Alistair’s face twists into an ugly sneer.

“Careful what you wish for Castiel. Now, where did we leave off yesterday?”, he asks, before rearing back and punching Cas straight in the face. Cas feels his only recently settled nose break again with a crunch and he can’t help but cry out. Alistair looks pleased. “That’s it Castiel, scream all you want. No one’s coming to help you.”

He slides on a set of knuckle dusters, then aims another punch, this time at Cas’ ribs and he lets out a stomach-turning little giggle at the sound they make as they crack. Cas screams and he hopes against hope that what Alistair said wasn’t true – that maybe someone is coming for him.

 

No one does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.... how much do you guys hate me for that?  
> As I promised at the very beginning, this will have a happy ending. This isn't real life so the bad guys don't get to win: Cas will be saved and he and Dean will have their fairytale ending... You just need to hang on a little bit longer.  
> Kudos and Comments (both good and bad) always appreciated  
> And I know I always say this, but I promise this time I will update soon(ish)


	17. Praying that my feet don’t fail me now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter starts from Dean's POV then continues from Cas'  
> TWs for panic swearing, thoughts of suicide/self harm, offensive language (one racial slur (not the N word)), violence,  
> The chapter title is from the Don Broco song "Come Out To LA"

Dean’s whole face hurts. He knows it’s his own fault but honestly, who would have thought Gabriel could pack such a punch?

He’d got on a plane from Japan the minute Dean told him that Cas was gone and when Dean opened the door twenty-two hours later to let him in, Gabriel had promptly punched Dean on the jaw. Sam was worried, but Dean just waved him off.

“It’s fine, he’s right.”, he’d said and Gabriel had scowled at him.

“I know I’m right, you let him take Cas again! Not only that, but because you’re a fucking idiot no one in the whole country will help you get him back, because they all think you’ve been beating on him and he’s been saved by his ex!”, Gabriel had hissed and Sam had to take a cautionary step forward to put himself in front of Dean since it didn’t seem entirely unlikely that Gabriel would take another swing at Dean.

“Gabriel, I get that you’re pissed, but beating Dean up isn’t going to help Cas.”, Sam says reasonably.

Gabe throws him a dirty look, but leaves Dean alone. “Fine. Show me the note.”, he demands and Dean pulls it from where he’s been keeping it in the pocket of his jeans to hand to him. Gabe scans it quickly then sighs. “Yeah this note has my brother written all over it.”

“So what do we do?”, Sam asks, because Dean can’t – too afraid of the answer.

Gabriel sighs. “I don’t know, we can’t get the police involved yet, we don’t have enough evidence. If we want Lucifer we’re going to need a mountain of proof to bury him under. Let me make some calls and I’ll see if I can find out if they’re still in Chicago.”

He leaves the room, phone in hand and Dean turns to Sam, a desperate expression on his face. Sam gives him a sympathetic look. “You did the right thing calling Gabe Dean, he’ll be able to help.”

Dean sighs. “Will he though? What if he can’t? I can’t lose him, Sam. I promised Cas he’d never have to go back to Lucifer, I’ve failed him already, but I won’t let him die there.”

“I know Dean and we’ll get him back, I promise. We’ll figure it out together.”

“That we will. Get your shit together and call that southern driver of yours. We’re going out.”, Gabriel barks, storming back into the room.

Dean gapes. “Where? Have you found him?”

“No, but I know someone, who might know something.”

 

* * *

 

 

“A real estate office?”, Dean asks, when Benny stops in the Loop, Chicago’s financial district.

Gabriel nods. “Yeah, now move. She doesn’t like to be kept waiting.”

The three of them tumble out and Benny drives off, promising to circle the block until they’re back out.

They step through glass doors and Gabriel swaggers up to a pretty, dark-haired receptionist. He grins at her and she scowls. “You again.”

He offers her a charming smile. “Now, now. Be nice, Pri. Is Kali in?”

“Why? Want do you want?”, Pri asks, suspiciously.

Gabriel’s smile drops. “Look, I don’t have time for this. Just tell her I’m here.”

Pri still looks like she doesn’t trust him, but she picks up her phone and a couple of moments later, they’re being shown into Kali’s office.

Kali turns out to be a gorgeous, impeccably dressed Indian woman who seems to share the same sentiments towards Gabriel as Pri. The minute they step into the office, she slaps Gabriel across the face.

“Jesus.”, Sam mutters and Dean can’t help but feel a little surge of vindictive pleasure at the red mark that blooms on Gabriel’s cheek.

“Now that that’s out of the way, what do you want from me?”, Kali asks.

Gabe rubs his face and sighs. “It’s about my brother.”

Kali visibly flinches. “Why would I want anything to do with that scumbag. In case you’ve forgotten, he called me a curry-scented pagan whore.”

“I remember.”, Gabriel says quietly. “He’s… Do you remember the boy I told you about? The one he married, and I helped?”

She nods slowly. “Of course. I helped you look for him.” She looks over at Dean and Sam. “Is one of them…”

“No.”, Gabe interrupts her. “No. Dean is Cas’ boyfriend and Sam, the tall one, is Dean’s brother. Cas is… Lucifer took him again.”

Kali steps closer to him and takes one of his hands in both of hers. “I’m sorry. What can I do to help?”

“I phoned around and I don’t think Lucifer left Chicago, but I need to know where he is.”

She frowns. “You think he’s bought a place?”

Gabriel nods. “Last time… let’s just say he made certain modifications. Soundproofing, that sort of thing. He couldn’t do that in a hotel, or a rented place.”

Dean’s stomach drops out at the thought of what Lucifer could be doing to Cas. He feels Sam squeeze his shoulder and he throws him a grateful look, but he can’t get the image of the first time he saw the scars on Cas’ back out of his head.

Kali walks around her desk and starts typing on her laptop. “Since it’s your brother and he doesn’t do anything small we don’t need to look at anything that was sold for under a couple of million. And even Lucifer wouldn’t have been able to make modifications without a permit.”

It takes a long time. Kali has Pri bring them all some coffee and cancel all her appointments, while she sifts through recently bought properties and building permit applications. Dean is fidgety and on edge. The whole time they’re waiting, he can’t help but picture the assortment of atrocities Lucifer could be inflicting on Cas.

After three hours of Kali tapping away at her computer, the printer in the corner of her office starts spitting out sheets of paper.

“I’ve narrowed it down as much as I can. There’s four possibilities, two downtown, two in the suburbs. I’m sorry I couldn’t do more.”, she says, handing the papers to Gabe.

He gives her a grateful look of relief. “Thank you, Kali. Really. I don’t know how to repay you!”

She flashes him a small smile. “Call me when this is all over. We’ll get a drink sometime.”

Whatever Gabe wants to say, Dean’s had enough. He rips the papers out of Gabriel’s hands. “Sorry. Just. Can we go? Cas could be at one of these places.”, he says, when they all stare at him.

Gabriel shakes his head. “Dean we can’t just go storming off. We need a plan, we need to figure out the right time to involve the police and-“

“No!”, Dean yells. “What we need is to find Cas! So we’re going to go back to my house, you’re going to get in your car and drive to the first house, Sam is going to go with Benny and go to the second house, I’m going to take my car and go to the third and who ever finishes first goes to the last one. And the minute I figure out where my- where Cas is, I’m going in there and I’m getting him back!”

He digs his phone out, sends Benny a text and gestures for Sam and Gabe to follow him out of the office. He hears them thanking Kali, and by the time they’re all outside, Benny has pulled up to the curb again.

“Home please Benny, and then I’ll need you to drive Sam, okay?”, he asks. He sees Benny nod from the front seat.

“Sure thing boss.”

 

When they get to the house, Dean only stops long enough to grab the keys to the Impala and hand Gabe and Sam one of the addresses, before he jumps into his Baby. He’s about to pull out of the driveway, when he sees Sam rapping on his window. He sighs, rolling the window down.

“What Sam?”

His brother has that concerned look on his face again, the one that makes Dean’s stomach turned guiltily. “Just… I know how much Cas means to you, and I know how scared you are. But please. Be careful. If Cas is at your house, then please wait for us to get there. Don’t go storming in. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Dean sighs. “Thanks Sam, and I promise I’ll do my best to not do anything stupid. But… if it comes to doing something stupid or Cas getting seriously hurt…”

Sam offers him a weak smile. “I know Dean… I’d do the same for Jess.”

Dean gives his brother a nod, then guns the engine.

 

It takes him longer than he’d like to get to the address in the suburbs. He breaks all the speed-limits he can, stopping short of running red lights and finally gets there just as it’s getting dark. He parks at the bottom of the driveway and climbs out of the car to do some recon. Before he goes though, he reaches into his glovebox and pulls out the one thing his father ever gave him that he kept – apart from Baby of course. His colt.

He hasn’t told the other two that he has it, but he knows that if he sees Lucifer, there’s no way the man is getting away alive.

He climbs the fence surrounding the property and sneaks up the massive, red-brick house. It looks like a nice place, he hopes it doesn’t have all the barbarities he fears hidden within it.

He’s just approaching the back door, when he hears a car driving up the gravel drive. He creeps around the side of the house, gun in hand, and stops dead when he sees two little boys running towards the front door. Their mom follows, grocery bags in each hand.

Something cracks in his chest. He’s at the wrong house, he’s no closer to getting Cas back. He puts the gun back in the waistband of his jeans and goes back to the Impala as quickly as he can without being seen.

Once sitting back inside Baby, he pulls out his phone and calls Sam.

“Hey Dean.”, Sam says immediately. “I finished at my address and then drove to the fourth one. There was no sign at either of them. Gabe just called and said there was nothing at his. Are you at your house yet?”

Dean can’t speak. He feels like something inside him has been crushed. Because if Cas wasn’t at any of the addresses Kali found, then where could he be?

Sam is saying his name again, but his throat is choked up with tears. “He’s not here Sam. It’s… it’s some family with little kids. Where is he?”

“I’m sorry Dean. Can you just come home? We’ll figure out what to do.” He knows his brother is right, but for a moment he just has to sit there in his despair. “Dean please. Come home.”

He nods. “Yeah. Okay. I’ll… hang on I’m getting another call.” He presses a button on his phone’s screen.

“Hello?”, he asks as he answers the call.

“Dean?”, a woman asks. “It’s Kali. Gabriel gave me your number.”

“Yeah. Uh… what’s up?” He doesn’t want to be angry at Kali, it isn’t her fault that they couldn’t find Cas, but the disappointment is too fresh.

She sounds nervous as she continues to speak. “I um. I made a mistake with one of the addresses. I called Gabriel and he said you were the one who went. It wasn’t the number 137 on Willow Street that I should have flagged, but 137 Elm Street. It’s only three streets over.”

Dean drops the phone. There’s still a chance. He can still get Cas back. He scrambles for the phone, holding it up to his ear again.

“Dean? Are you still there?”, Kali asks.

“Yeah.”, he breathes. “Yeah I’m still here. Thank you Kali, thank you so much.”

He’s sure she wanted to say more, but he’s already hung up. He presses redial and calls Sam back.

“Dean? Who called you?”, he asks, immediately.

Dean’s heart is racing as he speaks. “It was Kali. She got the address wrong. The real one is just a few streets over. I’m going there now.”

Sam’s silent in shock for a moment, but seems to recover when he hears Dean starting Baby. “Dean you need to wait. Gabe and I will head over now.”

Dean shakes his head, steering Baby back out into the slow flowing traffic. “Sam I told you, I can’t wait. I’ve already let him down too much. I can’t let him get hurt anymore. I’ll see you when this is all over.”

“Dean no –“ he hears Sam say before he hangs up on him, lobbing his phone onto the backseat.

He roars down Willow Street and then across three junctions before screeching around a corner onto Elm. The house is at the very end of the street and set a fair way back since the driveway is almost twice as long as the last one. The gates of this one are locked and there’s security cameras on each side of them. Dean manages to stop before he drives past one, and he backs up until he’s four houses away. Then he grabs his gun and phone and heads out to find an inconspicuous way onto the property.

The house next to it seems to be empty so Dean just goes into its back garden and crawls through a gap in the bottom of the fence bordering the property he knows Cas is on. It’s a tight squeeze and he has to leave his flannel shirt behind when it gets caught on one of the loose wires.

He runs in a half crouch as fast as he can to the house, flattening himself on the ground behind a badly sculpted hedge when he hears the front door open and the voices of the people leaving the house.

He recognises Lucifer’s voice instantly, he’s not exactly being quiet.

“I don’t care what you think Alistair, you will stay here with my toy and I will go and take care of this mess. Some ex-whore of my brother’s has been sniffing around in my affairs and I bet that means he’s causing more trouble. So I’m going to find him and make him wish he’d never betrayed me in the first place.”

Dean feels a flash of concern for Gabe, but it’s overshadowed by the spine-tingling fear he feels when he hears a familiar nasal voice answer Lucifer. “Yes boss, what do you want me to do with Castiel while you’re gone?”

“As I recall, being with that actor gave him a very false sense of self-worth. Break him in, so he’s ready for me when I’m back.” Dean’s body feels like it’s been flooded with ice, as he hears the callous way they’re talking about Cas – his beautiful, sensitive, kind Cas. “I’m taking Abaddon and Azazel with me, just in case. I trust you’ll be alright on your own.”, Lucifer asks and Alistair laughs.

“No worries boss, me and your toy will be fine, I’ll have him ready for when you get back.”

Dean stays on the ground until he hears the gates open and close again. Then he sprints towards the house and starts looking for a way in. Unsurprisingly the doors are all locked, as are most of the windows. Finally he finds one that’s open a couple of inches, just enough to get his hand in so he can force it open. It’s relatively small and at shoulder-height so he has to jump up and then haul himself in. He seems to have ended up in a bathroom at the far end of the house. He cautiously opens the door and steps out into a bright hallway with white, marble floor. He makes his way down it as quietly as he can, checking all the rooms he passes for any sign of Cas. He doesn’t see him, but he doesn’t see anyone else either so Lucifer really must have left Alistair alone in the house. Once he’s certain the downstairs is clear, he moves towards the stone staircase. He’s halfway up it, when he hears a scream. He knows it’s Cas and he stops caring about making noise, instead storming towards where he can hear his boyfriend’s pain-filled cries.

They seem to be coming from a door to the left of the stairs, which is open just a crack.

“Now now, Cassie. No one wants to hear you whining like a little bitch. You should be glad the boss isn’t here, he wouldn’t want to hear this.”, Alistair is saying and Dean’s hands curl around his gun as he edges towards the door. Cas screams again and Alistair laughs. “Oh Cassie, no one is coming to help you.”

“Think again, bitch.”, Dean says, as he enters the room, gun aimed squarely at Alistair.

 

* * *

 

It’s happening again, Alistair is back. He’s not given Cas more than twenty minutes at a time to recuperate and Cas is starting to think that even if he doesn’t succeed in killing himself, Alistair might accidentally do it before Lucifer ever gets to him.

He’s finished with the whip for the moment, but he’s using his favourite knife. It’s jagged on one side and wickedly sharp on the other. Alistair is currently trying to carve out the individual tattooed feathers on the back of Cas’ legs.

No matter how much Cas tries not to, he can’t help but scream. Alistair stops carving him up long enough to reprimand him.

“Now now, Cassie. No one wants to hear you whining like a little bitch. You should be glad the boss isn’t here, he wouldn’t want to hear this.”, he says and then goes right back to slicing up the delicate ink. Cas screams so hard the world descends into a haze of red. He hears Alistair laughing. “Oh Cassie, no one is coming to help you.”, he says, but then there’s someone else in the room with them. Someone who sounds a lot like… Dean.

“Think again, bitch.”, Dean says and Cas gasps in pain, twisting desperately to look around at him.

“Dean.”, he breathes, and Dean’s green eyes soften just a little as he looks over at him.

There’s blood rushing in his ears, but he’s fairly certain Dean – if he’s not a hallucination – says “Hey baby.”

“How cute. The actor is here.”, Alistair sneers.

Dean scowls. “I’d say it’s nice to see you, but that would be a lie.”

“Where’d you get the gun Winchester, from props?”

Dean laughs and Cas must be hallucinating because why would Dean be laughing, if he were here. “Oh Alistair, your boss must not have done his research. I may have been raised by a delusional alcoholic like he said on TV, but I was also raised with a shotgun in my hands. So why don’t you put down that knife and step away from my boyfriend, before I shoot you in the face.”

Alistair does bend over and drop the knife, but when he resurfaces he’s holding a gun of his own. Cas feels his stomach turn. There’s no way Dean – hallucination or not – will make it out of this alive. And if he doesn’t, neither will Cas.

“So Dean-o, what do you want to do? You can still leave, you don’t want this pathetic piece of crap.”, Alistair says and a part of Cas is waiting for Dean to agree and leave. But of course, he would never do that.

Dean cocks his gun and grins dangerously. “Okay, now I’m going to shoot you.” He goes to fire, but so does Alistair. The shots go off almost simultaneously and Cas screams as he watches Dean look down at his chest, where a dark patch of blood is blooming on his shirt.

“Cas.”, he gasps as he sinks to his knees. Alistair has collapsed on the floor beside the bed, but Cas doesn’t have eyes for anything, but Dean. Dean who is dragging himself across the floor to get to him. Cas fights against his restraints, desperate to get to Dean.

Dean has reached the head of the bed and is pushing himself up on shaking arms to reach Cas’ restraints. His hands are slick with blood and the minute he gets the first one off, Cas pushes his hands aside and undoes the other one himself.

Then he flings himself off the bed, his shredded legs not supporting his weight and causing him to land on the ground next to Dean, who is slumped against the bed, his chest rising and falling far too slowly for Cas’ liking.

“Dean.”, he cries, desperately trying to staunch the bullet hole in Dean’s chest. “Dean stay with me, you’ll be okay.”

Dean gives him a delirious smile. “Shh baby, I’m here now. Promised I’d come get you. I got you Cas.”

Cas nods, tears stinging his eyes. “Yeah babe, you did. And now you’re here you need to stay with me, cause I don’t think I can get us out of here. So you need to stay awake until we can get some help okay?”

“Yeah.”, Dean nods. “Yeah, just… just let me rest a minute…”, he trails off, his eyes fluttering shut.

Panic grips Castiel as he shakes Dean. “No, no, love come on. You need to stay with me. C’mon Dean please! Stay with me!”

Dean’s eyes stay closed, so Cas is the only one who sees Lucifer step into the room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh I'm so so sorry this took me so long to finish and upload, but here it is, I hope you like it!  
> As always, I'm hoping to get the next one up soonish (fingers crossed that actually happens this time)  
> Thank you all for reading xxx


	18. That's the last thing I remember

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter starts from Cas' POV then continues from Dean's, then goes back to Cas (let me know if the switch isn't clear)  
> TWs for violence, injuries, hospitals (i guess?) and... threats?  
> The chapter title is from the Neck Deep song "December"

The blood in Cas’ veins turns to ice as Lucifer smiles at him, his eyes cold and cruel, a gun loosely dangling between his fingers. Beneath his hands, Cas can feel Dean’s chest just barely rising and falling – proof that he’s still alive for now, but he’s lost consciousness. Cas’ fingers tighten in Dean’s shirt, clutching him closer to him as if that will save either of them from whatever Lucifer decides to do to them.

“Well, well Cassie. It’s so nice of your toyboy to decide to join us. I think he’d enjoy some of our little games, don’t you?”, Lucifer asks, his voice sickly sweet. Cas shakes his head and Lucifer’s smile turns predatory. “No? But you so enjoyed spreading your legs for him, don’t you think he’d like to watch you do the same for me? He seems like the type to be into that kind of thing don’t you. He’s a little headstrong, but we can fix that can’t we?”

Cas finds his voice. “No. You can’t have him.”

Lucifer laughs without humour. “Really? Because it seems like I already do, and I can’t exactly let him go. Don’t worry, he wouldn’t be hard to dispose of. We force enough alcohol down his throat and push him and that car of his off a bridge – it would be tragic of course, but no one would be surprised, alcoholic scum that he is.”

“Y-you can’t.”

“Oh no? And why is that? Are you going to stop me? Dean certainly can’t anymore. Neither can his brother, nor mine.” Lucifer looks cocky, his arms folded over his pristine white shirt as he surveys Cas, arms still wrapped tightly around Dean’s prone body. Cas is so afraid that he can’t unclench his jaw enough to say anything. Lucifer sighs. “That’s what I thought. Really Cassie, you disappoint me. All this talk about how you’d never go back to me and yet here you are.” He takes a step forward, foot accidentally kicking Alistair’s gun and sending it skittering across the floor towards Cas. Cas reaches for it, managing to grab it just as Lucifer raises his own gun. He points it at Lucifer with one hand, keeping the other on Dean’s chest in an attempt to keep pressure on his wound.

“Now Cassie, don’t do anything rash.”, Lucifer says and Cas can see a flicker of unease in his eyes. “You know you can’t do this. You’re too weak, pathetic. You don’t have the guts to hurt anybody.” Cas’ hands shake and Lucifer laughs. “That’s what I thought. Now put the gun down.”

Cas can no longer feel Dean breathing. He flicks off the safety. Lucifer scowls at him. “If you even think of firing that gun, you’ll be dead before you even get a finger on the trigger. And if you’re dead, who’s going to help your boy?”

Cas slowly moves his finger towards the trigger and Lucifer raises his gun a little higher.

“Don’t you dare –“, Lucifer warns, just as the door opens and a baseball bat slams into his head. He drops to the floor just as Sam steps in, closely followed by Gabriel and Benny. Except when he fell, so did his gun. It goes off and everybody flinches, but Cas can tell the other men don’t know where the bullet went, don’t know that Cas felt it go right into his side. It doesn’t matter, all that matters is Dean.

Sam scans the room, his eyes immediately fixing on his brother who’s still being held by Cas.

“Cas? What the hell happened to him?”, Sam asks, rushing over and dropping to his knees beside them. Cas tries to speak, but he can’t. All he can see is Dean’s blood covering his hands and his clothes and all he can focus on is how there’s blood sluggishly leaking out of the wound in his own side and how Dean’s not breathing. He’s not breathing – which means – “Cas! Talk to me man!”

Sam is yelling and Cas wants to talk to him, wants to tell him that Dean was shot – that he was too – and that they need to call 911, but it’s like he’s trapped in his own body and he can’t get the words out.

Sam yells at him again and something in Cas’ brain seems to be switched on enough to register that shouting is bad, so he flinches away from him. Then Gabe is there, kneeling beside them and saying something in a soothing voice. Cas only gets part of it.

“- stop yelling. I want to help – just stop. He’s in shock.”

Gabe keeps talking, but Cas’ whole world has narrowed down to the man in his arms. His Dean, who’d got hurt because of him. Who is dead because of him. Sam keeps trying to pull his hands off Dean, but Cas won’t let him, just clutching tighter. He still has a hand over the bullet hole, as if his fingers could somehow knit Dean’s flesh back together.

He doesn’t know how long they sit there, but before long there are hands with rubber gloves replacing his and Gabriel is pulling him away from Dean. He screams as he watches them load Dean onto a stretcher and tries to go after them, but his longs won’t hold his weight – he’d almost forgotten about what Alistair did to him. He collapses and Gabriel tries to help him, but he’s so focussed on Dean that he almost doesn’t notice. He crawls towards the stretcher, even as one of the paramedics tries to get him to stop moving. They’re all talking over each other and the cacophony of voices is hurting his head.

“Jesus, has he –“

“- definitely a bullet hole”

Cas redoubles his efforts to get to Dean and doesn’t even connect the tiny prick in his arm to the needle in the EMT’s hand until the world starts swimming in front of him, before eventually fading to black.

 

* * *

 

Dean groans as he comes to. It’s the fourth time he’s woken in as many hours and he still hasn’t seen anyone beside nurses and doctors. This time though, Sam is sitting in a chair next to him, hunched over his phone – probably texting Jess.

“S’mmy?”, Dean slurs and Sam’s head jerks up.

“Dean! How are you feeling? The doctor said you’re on super strong meds, so you may be feeling a little out of it.” Everything Sam says seems incredibly fast and takes a moment to sink through the fog of painkillers clouding his brain.

He stares at Sam, trying to work out just what is missing from the picture. Someone else should be here, but who is –

“Cas!” He gasps, struggling to sit up. His panic has cleared some of the drug-induced haze and he remembers why he’s here. “Sammy where’s Cas?”

Sam puts a hand on his shoulder, forcing him to lie back down. “Dean, you’ve just had surgery, you need to make sure you don’t tear your stitches.”

“Sam! Where is Cas?” Dean cries, his chest aching with the effort.

Sam has a sombre expression on his face and Dean almost doesn’t want to hear what he has to say – almost. “He… look we didn’t realise it at the time but he was shot too, we were all so focussed on getting to you. And with all his other injuries… he suffered massive trauma and a lot of blood loss. He’s…”

“Oh god. Is he? Is he dead Sammy?” Dean interrupts and Sam’s mouth drops open in shock.

He shakes his head. “No Dean, God. No, they put him in a medically induced coma to help him recover. They’re waiting for him to wait up now, but they don’t know how all the stuff that Lucifer did to him will affect him. There was apparently some pretty extensive nerve damage in his legs and they had to remove his spleen because it ruptured.”

“But he’s alive?” Dean asks, desperately.

Sam nods. “Yeah, he’s alive. He’s alive because of you. Because you found him.”

“No, this is all my fault. If it hadn’t been for me Lucifer would never have taken him in the first place. And I promised – I promised him it would never happen again Sam. But here we are and he’s worse off than before we first met.” Tears are sliding down his cheeks and he does his best to wipe them away with the over-starched hospital sheets.

Sam reaches out and wraps a comforting hand around his wrist. “No stop that right now. None of this is your fault, nor is it Cas’. It’s Lucifer’s. He’s a cruel, twisted, evil son of a bitch and he alone is responsible for all of this. And you’re wrong, there’s no way Cas could be worse off now than if you’d never met. Lucifer would have found a way to get to him even faster and he’d never have started to heal. You gave him that. You let him heal and that is worth so much Dean.”

Even though Sam’s words relieve him, they also make Dean cry so hard that he manages to set off one of the many monitors attached to him and when a nurse comes rushing in, she promptly tells him that he’s tired and needs to rest. He does rest eventually, but only because the nurse has a doctor come in to increase his pain medication.

 

* * *

 

 

When Cas wakes up the first thing he does is panic. He’s restrained and he can’t really feel his legs and he knows Lucifer must somehow have captured him again. He starts to struggle and manages to rip an IV out of his hand, which detaches with a spurt of blood. Something starts beeping and a woman in scrubs rushes in. This isn’t unusual, Lucifer had had him hospitalised before when Alistair went too far and he was worried about Castiel actually dying. It was always a private hospital with bribed nurses and doctors though, meaning no one here was going to help him. He screams anyway – maybe someone will take pity on him this time.

His shouts send more people in scrubs running in, but there’s someone else with them, someone dressed in flannel.

“Cas!” Sam says, as he rushes towards the bed. If Sam is here, then maybe Lucifer hasn’t got him? “Are you okay?” He rounds on the medical staff. “What are you doing to him? Why is he tied down?”

“We’re sorry sir, but he woke up earlier and was trying to hurt himself. We thought it best to restrain him so he doesn’t injure himself any further.” One of the doctors says, but Sam glares her down.

“My friend has been through extremely traumatising events and this is causing him distress. Get rid of the restraints. Now.”

The doctor sighs, but goes to take of Cas’ wrist cuffs. Cas shrinks away from her as best he can, not breathing properly until she moves away from him again. “We need to put his IV back in and then I can let you two talk for a moment.”, she says and Cas doesn’t want her to touch him but he knows these things go faster when he doesn’t put up a fight.

He doesn’t want to look at Sam, not after what Cas has done to him and his family. So he stares up at the ceiling while the doctor reinserts the needle. When she’s done, she gives him a weird sort of pat on the arm which makes his whole body tense up until he can hear her footsteps moving out into the hallway.

He can hear Sam shifting in the chair next to his bed and he doesn’t want to turn his head to look at him, doesn’t want to see the accusation and grief in his eyes. It’s his fault that Dean – Sam’s _brother_ – is dead and he knows it, Sam knows it. He doesn’t want to hear the insults that will surely be flung, doesn’t want to hear about the pain he’s inflicted. But he doesn’t deserve to avoid it. So he steels himself and turns to look at Sam.

Sam offers him a weak smile and Cas wants to throw up at the kindness he sees in the man’s eyes. Sam is a better person than he could ever hope to be, but right now Cas doesn’t deserve that goodness. Sam opens his mouth and Cas braces himself.

“Are you okay?” Sam asks.

Cas’ heart skips a beat. “What?”

Sam gives a half laugh. “Sorry, I know it’s probably a stupid question after everything that happened. We’ve been so worried.”

We? Cas questions. Of course Sam would have told Jess, but why on earth would either of them be worried about _him_.

“Why?” He breathes.

Sam looks confused, a deep frown on his face. “What do you mean why? Of course, we’re worried. You’ve been out for over a week. After all you went through, I was so worried that maybe you wouldn’t make it – we didn’t realise you’d been shot too until the paramedics noticed – and…. Well to be honest I wasn’t sure you’d want to make it. Dean was half out of his mind with worry, especially since they wouldn’t let him out of bed to see you.”

Cas’ mind is racing. “Wait – Dean? But Dean… He died Sam. He wasn’t breathing, I couldn’t feel it. I – It was my fault! I killed him Sam!” He’s yelling and he’s half worried the doctors will come back and tie him down again, but he just doesn’t understand why Sam would lie about something like this.

Sam swears, muttering something that sounds like “both of them” and places a soothing hand on his arm. “No Cas, I swear, Dean is alive. He wasn’t breathing but the EMTs resuscitated him. They said if you hadn’t kept pressure on the wound the whole time, he wouldn’t have survived. You saved him, Cas!”

Cas shakes his head. “No. No, you’re lying to me. This isn’t real. I felt it! He wasn’t breathing!”

Sam’s eyes have widened in panic and some part of Cas feels bad for inflicting even more pain on the younger Winchester. “No Cas, please listen to me. Dean is fine. I’ll prove it to you! Promise me, you’ll wait here?”

Cas just stares at him, which Sam must take as a good enough answer because he’s suddenly sprinting from the room. Cas feels so very tired. He’s finally driven Sam away, which is probably better for the other man – he shouldn’t have to try and forgive Cas. He stares up at the ceiling, slowly beginning to feel a throbbing in his left leg where Alistair had tried to carve out his tattoo. He doesn’t know how long he lies there, staring at the ceiling tiles, but he’s jerked from the non-thinking space he was in by raised voices.

He thinks one of them is Sam, but he can’t be sure. He doesn’t know why he’d come back. Then his door is banging open and he knows Sam must be angry because of how forceful it was, but when he looks over Sam is pushing a wheelchair and in the wheelchair is –

“Dean.” He whispers and the other man looks like he’d jump right out of the chair if he could.

Dean’s green eyes are a little wet with tears and the minute Sam has pushed him to the edge of Cas’ bed, he’s reaching out and his warm fingers are enveloping Cas’ frozen ones. “Hey baby.” Dean says, his voice so gentle Cas can hardly stand it.

Cas chokes back a sob. “How? You were dead! I thought he’d killed you.”

Dean shakes his head, dipping his head to press a kiss to Cas’ hand. “From what I hear, I’m here because of you. Cause you saved me. And as I recall, I promised you I wasn’t going to leave you. Can’t go back on that promise now, can I?”

Cas is having trouble believing it, but Dean is right there in front of him, his solid hand holding his. “You – you’re okay?”

“Yeah sweetheart, I’m okay – bullets can’t keep a Winchester down. I was going to come running over here the minute I heard you were waking up, but those dicks in lab coats wouldn’t let me. Sam had to fight them to even let me come in this stupid chair.”, Dean says and Cas sniffles a little. Dean grins at him and when Cas looks over at him, he sees Sam has tears in his eyes too. “Enough about me, how are you feeling? You gave me a hell of a scare. Wasn’t sure you’d pull through, should’ve know better than to doubt you, huh?”

Cas nods, but bursts into tears at the same time. He’d thought he’d lost Dean and the relief at seeing him alive and almost well is just too much and he can't seem to stop crying. He starts when he hears the bed groan and Sam swear, looking up to see Dean heaving himself from his wheelchair into the bed next to Cas. Cas does his best to shuffle over, every part of his body screaming in protest. Dean just rolls onto his side with a muffled groan of pain, and presses his face into Cas’ neck, carefully draping an arm across his chest. “Shhh baby, you’re okay. It’s all okay. You’re safe now.” Dean murmurs against his skin.

Cas can’t roll over to hold Dean, no matter how much he wants to, so he just lets himself be held. His tears roll down his face and Dean gently wipes them away, until he’s cried out. Sam mutters an excuse about calling Jess and leaves and it’s only when he’s gone that Cas feels brave enough to ask Dean the question that’s been weighing on his mind.

“What happened to Lucifer? Is he going to come for me again?” He whispers and he feels Dean tense beside him.

Dean strokes along his cheekbone. “No, he’s not going to come for you. Sam knocked him out when he came to find us and the 911 operator dispatched police when they sent the ambulances. The cops, they found more than enough evidence to arrest him. He’s being held without bail at the moment because Gabe testified that Lucifer had the assets to and would run if he were given the chance. There’ll be a trial and… well, you might have to testify, but he’ll be locked up for a long time when they find him guilty.”

Cas’ breath catches because Lucifer being locked away where he can’t hurt anyone is all he wants, but the thought of having to face him in a courtroom scares him. Dean seems to sense this, because he stretches to press a kiss to Cas’ cheek and rubs soothing circles into Cas’ hand with his thumb. “You don’t have to worry about it now. Just know that you’re safe and try and focus on getting better. Okay?”

Cas nods and Dean kisses his cheek again. “Good.” He looks like he wants to say more, but he’s interrupted by a grizzled looking male doctor walking in.

“Mr. Winchester, I may have only been a doctor for thirty years, but I’m fairly sure you’re supposed to be in your own bed or wheelchair, not on top of one of my other patients.”, he says sarcastically and Cas can feel Dean shaking against him with suppressed laughter.

“Sorry Doc, had to come see my boyfriend.”, he says and Cas can’t help the small smile that he knows is on his own face.

The doctor sighs. “Be honest, what are the chances of you going back to your own room?”

Dean shrugs noncommittally. “Slim to none.”

“Great. Well, I’ll have one of the orderly’s move your bed in here and then you will get back in it, do you understand me?” The doctor’s face is stern, but there’s a twinkle of humour in his eyes.

Dean grins. “Sir, yes sir.” He says, before burying his face in Cas’ shoulder.

 

The doctor does in fact have an orderly wheel another bed into the room and then personally oversees Dean getting into it – although Dean needs two nurses and Sam to help him, in order to stop him from tearing stitches. When they’ve hooked both Dean and Cas up to all the machines and drips possible and finally left, Dean has Sam take the brakes off his bed so as to wheel him close enough to Cas that they can hold hands over the gap between their beds.

“You two are gross, you know that?” Sam says jokingly and Dean flips him off.

The renewed pain meds the doctor gave Cas are making him sleepy, but he doesn’t close his eyes until Dean tells him to.

“C’mon sweetheart, you need your rest. Go to sleep, I’ll be here when you wake up. I promise.”

Cas nods, squeezing Dean’s fingers. “Okay.”

Dean squeezes back. “Good. I love you.”

“Love you too.” Cas slurs, before sleep finally takes him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this is not well written, and I kind of hate it just a little bit, but I hope you guys liked it at least a little bit anyway. I've been meaning to update for the longest time, but I've just had so much stuff on. Thank you all for your kind comments, and I promise I'll try not to go so long without updating again! xxxx


	19. Won't set my sights on other seas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Castiel's POV  
> TWs for references to past abuse and some self-hatred (the usual for this fic)  
> The chapter title is from the Alvvays song "Archie, Marry Me"

Cas is shaking in his extremely uncomfortable brogues as he steps towards the courthouse doors. On his left is Dean, impeccably dressed in a charcoal grey suit, his fingers wrapped around Cas’. On Castiel’s other side is Sam, looking every inch the professional lawyer despite not having finished law school yet.

“Remember, you don’t have to answer any questions you don’t want to. You did great in there and you did the right thing by telling the truth.” Sam tells him and Castiel nods, tightening his grip on Dean’s hand.

Dean presses a kiss to Cas’ cheek. “You can do this, Cas. You got through today, now you can make it through a crowd of reporters.”

Cas nods, swallowing nervously and following Sam out onto the steps. He is almost blinded by the flashes of the cameras and he is grateful for Dean’s hand still clasped in his as well as the arm that Sam has flung around his shoulder and is using to guide him through the crowd.

“Castiel how did it feel to face off to Lucifer?”

“Dean, do you think Lucifer will be found guilty?”

“Castiel, over here! Will you be returning tomorrow to watch the rest of the trial?”

“Mr Novak, what do you say to the people who suggest that your allegations are false and are simply an attempt to detract attention from Mr Winchester’s abuse scandal?”

Sam turns to face the reporter who shouted the last question, his face a mask of pure anger. The reporter pales a little and Cas can see her hands shake as she holds out her microphone. “Castiel and my brother have been through hell at the hands of Mr De Ville. If I hear one more insinuation that Dean is the one to blame for Castiel’s injuries, you will find yourself slapped with a libel lawsuit so fast, you won’t even have time for the ink to dry on your resignation. Have I made myself clear?”

The reporter nods, stumbling back from Sam’s wrath and Cas throws him a grateful smile. “My clients will no longer be answering questions, you can thank your colleague for that.” Sam announces and there’s disgruntled muttering before the cacophony of questions starts up again, regardless of Sam’s last statement. They push their way through the crowd and to the car where Benny is waiting for them.

Cas hears Dean heave a sigh of relief as Benny pulls away from the curb and Sam asks him to take the scenic route so they lose anyone who might be tailing them.

Dean lets go of Cas’ hand but only so that he can wrap both arms around him and pull him back against his chest. “How are you feeling, sweetheart?” Dean murmurs into his hair.

Cas relaxes into the touch. “I don’t know. Relieved? Drained? Tired? All of the above. I just can’t believe it’s over. I never have to see him again.”

Having to sit in court and answer every question both the prosecution and Lucifer’s slimy defence lawyer Dick Roman had thrown at him had been hard. He had spent the last five months since being released from hospital trying so hard not to think about everything Lucifer had done to him, yet there he was detailing every wound, every degrading act for a packed courtroom. Not only that, but he had to speak about it all while Lucifer was sat only a few metres away, staring at him with barely concealed hatred.

Just the thought of it made him shiver even now and Dean presses a couple of kisses to the back of his neck.

“You were so brave, Cas. I know how hard this was, but I couldn’t be prouder.” Dean tells him and Cas turns enough in his seat to be able to bury his face in Dean’s neck. He just wants to go home and forget any of this happened, but there are reporters outside their front door who will once again hound him for answers to their seemingly unending questions and still a few more weeks of the trial left until the verdict is expected.

“It all went so well. I’m only sorry the prosecution didn’t reign in that prick of a defence lawyer in more.” Sam says and Cas’ stomach twists as he thinks of how Roman had insinuated that perhaps Castiel liked the way Lucifer had treated him since he wasn’t much better than a common whore.

“I thought you were going to punch him.” Cas says against Dean’s collar, remembering how he had been able to see Dean’s face go bright red with anger.

Sam snorts. “I thought so too. Why do you think I had a hand on his shoulder the entire time?”

“Yeah well, that ass would have deserved it.” Dean growls, tightening his grip on Cas.

Sam sighs and Cas knows him well enough now to know that he’s probably rolling his eyes.

“I hate to say it, but it probably helped us. There’s no way in hell the jury liked him attacking Cas. Not when he looked like a kicked puppy up on that stand.”

Dean makes a noise signalling his disapproval of Sam’s lawyer-opinion as he’s taken to calling it. “Well hopefully Lucifer will get what he deserves.”

“He will.” Sam says it with such conviction that Castiel almost believes him. Despite everyone, including the prosecution and most of the media saying that Lucifer doesn’t have a chance of getting off, there’s still a small part of Castiel that is afraid that maybe he will. That he’ll get out and come back for Castiel and everyone he loves.

Dean starts gently running his fingers through Cas’ hair as if he can tell what he’s thinking – and maybe he can, they’ve barely been apart since Castiel was cleared to come home from the hospital. The only time they’ve been separated is when Dean has to go to work and even then, Castiel usually spends the day in Dean’s trailer with either Benny or Sam.

Benny pulls around the back and while there’s a couple of bored look reporters – who perk right up when they see the car – they manage to get into the house without too much hassle. Sam leaves again almost as soon as they’re through the door to go and meet Jess at the airport, leaving Dean to reheat some lasagne for himself and Cas.

Castiel can’t bring himself to say much while they eat, still trying to process all that had happened. Garth had spent the last months trying to “retrain his brain” as he called it, helping Cas to look at things without the guilt and shame that had accompanied his every action since the first time he left Lucifer and Castiel knew he would have a lot to talk to him about when he saw him in the morning. This whole trial was his fault, he could have petitioned to have the charges dropped. Or at the very least he could have refused to testify. Then Dean wouldn’t have been dragged back into the spotlight again, wouldn’t have had to sit in a room with the man who had shot him and done so much damage to their lives.

“What are you thinking about, baby?” Dean asks from across the kitchen where he's putting their plates in the dishwasher.

Castiel hunches in on himself, knowing that he has spiralled into thoughts that would make both Dean and Garth unhappy.

“Hey, no. Remember what Garth said: There are no wrong or bad thoughts, just ones that are unhelpful.” Dean says, coming sit beside him. “Why don’t you head upstairs? I’ll just finish up here and then we can watch something in bed? See if we can’t distract you a bit, okay?”

Cas smiles, pressing a grateful kiss to the corner of Dean’s mouth, before doing exactly as he suggested and making his way upstairs.

He changes into his pyjamas, trying not to let his eyes linger on the scars that litter his body. Dean has told him that he’s beautiful so many times now that Cas is almost starting to believe it, but a part of him wonders just what he can see in such a disfigured body. He twists to look at the back of his leg, where fresh ink has covered the mangled knot of scar tissue Alistair’s knife left behind. He sometimes wishes he could cover his whole body in paint and start fresh – he’s now got an entire field of wildflowers inked over the self-inflicted scars on his thighs – but Dean insists that Castiel is the most stunning thing he’s ever seen. When he kisses along the thin white lines all over Cas’ body until he’s a squirming, panting mess he looks so full of adoration that Cas can’t bring himself to cover any more.

He finishes changing just as Dean comes into the room. Dean doesn’t hide the look of desire in his eyes as Castiel pulls his pyjama shirt on, but it no longer makes Castiel want to run and hide. Their new-found intimacy is recent and hasn’t progressed any further than Cas letting Dean take them both in hand until they’re sticky and panting, but it’s more than he’d ever hoped to be able to do with Dean. Garth tells him to take things at his own pace and not to ever be afraid to say no – something Dean had constantly reiterated until Cas told him it was kind of ruining the mood. But Cas is constantly grateful for Dean’s kindness and patience.

Cas settles into the bed, pulling the covers up to his chin, only to be joined seconds later by a rather disgruntled looking tabby cat.

“Hello Zera.” Cas says quietly as the cat begins kneading the blanket over his legs. He hears Dean sigh and he grins. Dean is still adjusting to their newest family member, but when Garth had Castiel had found Zera under a dumpster outside the Roadhouse the day after Garth suggested he get a pet there was no way Dean had been able to say no. Cas thought that Dean liked Zera a lot more than he let on - especially since Cas kept catching him scratching her chin or feeding her offcuts from whatever meat he had been using to make their dinner.

Zera glares at Cas when he shifts a bit to make room for Dean, so he pets her head consolingly. Dean mutters something about emotional manipulation, but he still lets her move from Cas’ lap so that she’s lying between them with her head parked on Dean’s thigh.

Cas slumps to the side, resting his head on Dean’s chest as he flicks through their viewing options.

“Merlin?” he asks and Cas nods.

“Yeah, looking at Prince Arthur makes me happy.”

Dean huffs a faux-offended breath. “You know the actor who plays him is a total tool?”

Cas rolls his eyes at Dean’s standard response to his admiration of anyone they see on TV. “No he’s not.”

“No.” Dean says apologetically. “He really isn’t.”

Cas settles back against him as Dean presses play. Zera starts purring and Cas feels a contented warmth spread through him.

 

* * *

 

 

Castiel is working a bar shift at the Roadhouse three weeks after his day in court when it happens. One minute he’s serving beer to two of their regulars – two old men called Bobby and Rufus who had seemed extremely intimidating at first, but revealed themselves to secretly be as kind as Ellen when Cas spaced out while serving some college kids by coming to his rescue and getting the frat boys to leave faster than Cas thought humanly possible – the next, Dean is sprinting through the doors yelling his name. Cas goes white as a sheet and Ellen comes out of her office to see what all the commotion is about.

“Dean Winchester there better be a very good reason that you’re in here disrupting my dinner shift.” She says with a stern look. Dean seems to realise that everyone is staring at him and that Cas is shaking because he looks suitably chastised – but only for a moment. Because then he’s vaulting across the bar and hauling Cas into his arms.

“Dean – what? What’s going on?” Cas asks breathlessly, his heart hammering in his chest.

“It’s the verdict Cas, it’s in. Lucifer was found guilty and the judge sentenced him to Life without Parole. He’s gone, Cas. It’s over, it’s finally over!”

Cas stares at him with badly concealed shock and then he’s launching himself at Dean, pressing a desperate kiss to his lips. Dean kisses back with just as much vigour, ignoring the catcalls from Rufus and Bobby.

When they finally break apart, it’s to find a supremely unimpressed looking Ellen scowling at them. “If you’re quite done?” She asks and Dean grins at her.

“Sorry Ellen, had to be done.”

She sighs, her expression already softening. “Not behind my bar it didn’t. But I suppose since this is the best possible news, why don’t you take the rest of the evening off Cas?”

Cas is elated, but he doesn’t want Ellen to feel like he’s bailing on her. “Are you sure? I can stay and finish up?”

Ellen shakes her head. “Nah it’s okay. I’ll get Jo to come in and take over.”

Dean laughs. “Ellen you do realise that your daughter is a world-famous actress?”

“I know exactly who Joanna Beth is Dean Winchester, and currently she is between jobs so she might as well earn her keep. Now get out of here and take your boyfriend with you before I change my mind about giving him the evening off.”

Dean laughs and Cas just manages to thank her before he’s being pulled out of the Roadhouse and out into the parking lot.

“I can’t believe it.” Cas says as Dean pulls out onto the road. “It’s finally over. We’re safe.”

Dean turns to look at him, a blinding smile on his face. “You better believe it. This is it, Cas. What we’ve been waiting for. Now you can finally move on with your life without that… monster looming over you.”

He reaches across the seat and Cas meets his hand halfway, interlocking their fingers.

“Thank you, Dean. For everything this past year. You’ve saved my life in more ways than I can count and I love you more than I can possibly say.” Cas tells him as Dean’s thumb rubs circles across the back of his hand.

“I love you too, Cas. More than anything.”

They keep driving in a comfortable silence, but Cas frowns when Dean misses the turning to their house.

“Aren’t we going home?” He asks and Dean pulls a face.

“Ah, no. There’s a mob of reporters outside again – I know we just got rid of the last one but the verdict sent them all running back. I thought it would be better if we spent the night in a hotel, I packed some things for you.” He says and Cas smiles.

“That sounds nice, Dean. But… what about Zera?”

Dean squeezes his hand. “Don’t worry, Benny said he’ll stay over tonight so she isn’t alone. I knew you would worry otherwise.”

Cas thinks he might love Dean more in that moment than he ever has before.

Dean pulls up at a hotel that is fancy enough to have someone immediately rush over to open their doors and take their bags out of the boot for them. Dean hands over the key to the Impala only after threatening the valet with bodily harm if anything should happen to his Baby and then they’re being escorted to their room by the hotel manager himself who promises them the utmost discretion and privacy during their stay.

When they’re finally alone, Dean sits down on the edge of the oversized bed, fidgeting.

“Is this okay?” He asks suddenly. “I mean. Maybe I should have asked first?”

Cas smiles and sits down beside him. “It’s perfect Dean. You are the most thoughtful person I’ve ever met.”

Dean nods, still looking a little nervous. “Okay, well could you at least do me a favour and see if the stuff I packed for you is okay? If not, I’ll get Benny to come by tomorrow morning.”

“I’m sure it’s fine Dean.” But he looks just worried enough that Cas feels the need to reassure him. He goes over to the weekend bag Dean had brought and unzips it to find… a ring box sitting right on top of his favourite shirt. He picks it up with shaking hands and turns back to Dean, who looks a little like he might throw up.

“Is this?” He asks Dean who just nods. Cas reverently opens the box, gasping when he sees the ornately wrought silver ring.

“Cas…” He hears Dean say and he looks back up at him.

“Yes.” He says firmly as the actor comes towards him.

Dean laughs, suddenly looking a lot more like himself. “I haven’t asked you yet.”

Cas grins. “Yes.”

“Will you?”

“Yes.”

Dean scowls, but there’s no heat behind it. “Cas.” He says warningly.

“Sorry.” Cas says, but he doesn’t remotely feel it.

“Castiel, will you marry me?” Dean finally forces out and Cas manages to squeak out another “Yes” before Dean is launching himself at him, bowling him over backwards.

Cas wheezes as he ends up on his back on the carpet, Dean’s entire body covering his.

“I love you.” Dean tells him in between kisses as he slides the ring onto Cas’ finger.

Cas kisses him soundly. “I love you too. I can’t believe how nervous you looked, you didn’t actually think you I’d say no, did you?”

Dean has the decency to look embarrassed. “I didn’t know if you would think it was too soon or – you know? But I couldn’t wait any longer.”

“Any longer? How long have you been wanting to do this?”

Dean shrugs. “I bought the ring the day they let me out of the hospital.”

Cas gasps. “That was months ago.”

Dean presses another gentle kiss to his mouth. “I know. But when you’re certain you’ve met the one – and I am – you don’t need to wait any longer.”

“You’re incredible, you know that?” Cas asks and Dean grins. His expression falters when he sees something else in Cas’ eyes.

“Cas?” He asks, frowning. “What’s wrong?”

Cas feels his stomach twist, tears prickling at the corners of his eyes. “It’s just… You know this might be it for me, right? I’m trying but I might not get any better. I might stay this way, this… broken forever. Are you sure this is enough for you?”

Dean props himself up enough that he can cradle Cas’ face with his hands and his green eyes are earnest as he speaks. “Cas, I’ve told you before, and I’ll tell you every goddamn day until I die. You are perfect the way you are and you are everything to me. You are more than enough, alright?”

Cas nods as Dean wipes away a single traitorous tear. “Alright. I just… I needed to know that you’re sure.”

“I am.” Dean says, dropping a kiss to his forehead. “Are you?”

“Yes. I’m sure.” Cas says and it almost sounds like a vow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so somehow, every time I say i won't leave updating so long it takes even longer so this time I won't promise anything lol.  
> I hope you enjoyed this utter cheese-fest and that it brings some closure to this fic. I am open to writing more chapters if people are interested but this chapter does wrap things up in a way. I have started another canon-au WIP here on AO3 that I'll be working on (feel free to check out ["Constant Cravings"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18831082) ) plus a Highschool AU that will be going up soon. Thank you all for your support on this fic, I would never have gotten this far without you. Feel free to drop me a comment if there's any timestamps you'd like to see for these guys - as always I'm not quite willing to let them go. xxx

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading and I hope that you enjoyed this.  
> I really appreciate any Kudos/Comments that you'd like to leave or come and say hello on [tumblr](https://hefellfordean.tumblr.com/ask) if this didn't make you want to use brain bleach (or even if it did) xxx


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